"swat the Fly!": a One-Act Fantasy

Part 1

“SWAT THE FLY!”

A ONE-ACT FANTASY

ELEANOR GATES

AUTHOR OF “THE POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL,” “WE ARE SEVEN,” “THE BIOGRAPHY OF A PRAIRIE GIRL,” “THE PLOW-WOMAN,” ETC.

COLORED JACKET BY EVERETT SHINN

THE ARROW PUBLISHING COMPANY 116 WEST FIFTY-NINTH STREET NEW YORK

Copyrighted April 17, 1914, as a dramatic composition by ELEANOR GATES.

Copyrighted April, 1915, by THE ARROW PUBLISHING COMPANY.

All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian.

This play may be publicly read without further permission, but the acting rights are reserved by the author.

TO THE TROOPER

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

THE DOCTOR THE WOMAN INSPECTOR THE BOY THE DOG THE CAT THE HORSE THE MONKEY THE RABBIT THE FLY

“SWAT THE FLY!”

A garden in the rear of a laboratory for animal experimentation. A high red-brick wall encloses the garden, into which, at the upper right-hand corner, juts the granite laboratory building. The interior of the laboratory is brilliantly white. From it a door opens upon the garden. Beside the door, hanging from a wrought-iron bracket, is a globe in which are electric bulbs. The lights are turned on by pressing a button in the framework of the door.

In the garden wall, at left, is a wide door leading to a city street. In the rear wall is a square, window-like opening through which can be seen the Horse’s standing-stall. The Monkey’s house is in the lower right-hand corner of the garden. Directly across from it is the kennel of the Dog. The Rabbit’s hutch is placed against the rear wall, close to the square opening. The front of the hutch is screened with wire netting.

The garden is covered by a lawn. Flowers grow against its walls, as well as in the corners made by the meeting of wall and building. Vines climb the bricks on either side of the street door. Above the walls, on every side, bend the branches of trees. At the center of the garden is a low stone bench.

It is late evening. The garden is only star-lit. Out of the gloom come the sleepy bark of the Dog, the crunching and stamping of the Horse, as he feeds, and the cross chatter of the Monkey. The tiny bell, which the Cat wears on her collar, tinkles faintly.

Suddenly the street door opens, and the flash of a pocket search-light is turned upon the garden. The Woman Inspector appears in the doorway. She wears a coat-suit, a neckpiece formed of the skin of a fox, and a hat trimmed with pheasant feathers. She throws her light upon the Monkey’s house: upon the door of the laboratory: upon the opening in the rear wall. The back of the Horse appears above the sill of the opening. The light travels to the Rabbit’s hutch, disclosing a mound of snow-white fur.

The Inspector enters quickly and goes to the Dog, who is lying down, his back curved against the entrance to the kennel. The Inspector turns her light upon him. He moves.

INSPECTOR

(Leans to peer into the kennel.)

Here! Let me look at you. A bandage! Oh, poor fellow! That Doctor’s been torturing you! (The Dog growls.) There! There! (Pats the Dog, and goes to the hutch.) A rabbit! (Makes a brief examination; goes to the opening in the wall and looks through at the Horse, flashing her light over him. Comes down quickly to the Monkey. He is lying just within the door of his house. She drops on one knee.) Well, monkey! What’s that Doctor been doing to YOU? (Reaches in.) Been putting a steel gag on you? Oh, the poor foot! (Soothingly, as the Monkey moves and chatters.) There, now! Lie still!

DOCTOR

(Calls from the laboratory.)

Here, Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!

(The Inspector puts out her pocket-flash, springs up, and hides behind the Monkey’s house. The Doctor enters, and presses the electric button beside the laboratory door. The globe floods the garden with light. The Doctor wears a sack suit, but no hat.)

DOCTOR

Part 2

Here, Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! (Looks about the garden.) Well, how’s everybody? (Goes to the opening in the wall, and reaches to pat the Horse.) Hello! How’s the nice old boy? (Turns toward the hutch.) And how’s little Bunny! Eh?

(The Boy enters from the street. He is wearing pajamas. In his right hand, wrapped in paper, he carries a bone. In the circle of his left arm he has a banana, which he holds against him; in his left hand are an apple and a carrot. He sees the Doctor and halts timidly. The Doctor turns from the hutch and sees the boy.)

DOCTOR

Good evening, young man! Where did YOU come from?

BOY

I came from my bed. (Backs a step and puts the bone behind him.)

DOCTOR

And what are you doing out of your bed?

BOY

I’m feeding your animals. (Holds out his right hand to show the bone.)

DOCTOR

Feeding my animals! Why-- --!

BOY

My mother says you starve ’em. So,--here’s a bone for the dog, an’ a carrot for the rabbit, an’ a’ apple for the horse, an’ a banana for the monkey.

DOCTOR

(Laughs and accepts the bone.)

All right. (Goes to the kennel, the Boy following, and looks in.) Hey, dog! Just gnaw on this fine big bone. (To the boy.) And how did you find your way here, at this time of night?

BOY

I followed my mother.

DOCTOR

Why, your mother isn’t here!

BOY

Oh, yes, she is. Somewhere. (Looks behind the kennel.) I saw her come in. Oh, Mother! (Looks behind the Monkey’s house.) Hello, mother! (To the Doctor.) Here she is!

(The Inspector stands up.)

DOCTOR

Madam, what are you doing in this garden?

INSPECTOR

Examining these animals.

Part 3

DOCTOR

Why should you sneak and hide?

(The Boy goes to his mother.)

INSPECTOR

Let me introduce myself. (Opens her coat, displaying a metal badge pinned on her breast.)

DOCTOR

So you’re a spy!

INSPECTOR

I’m an inspector!

DOCTOR

I’ve seen you before.

INSPECTOR

I’ve been keeping an eye on you.

DOCTOR

Well, go ahead! What is it you want to know?

INSPECTOR

I want to know what you do to these poor, dumb creatures.

DOCTOR

I use them to fight the diseases carried by flies.

INSPECTOR

(Sneeringly.)

Oh, you vivisectionists have a FINE excuse for your cruelty! Flies!

DOCTOR

Yes, flies! When all the flies are dead, we doctors will be out of a job. For now we know that--

INSPECTOR

Please come back to the animals.

DOCTOR

(Shrugs, crosses to the Monkey.)

Part 4

Well, this monkey here is--(The Monkey chatters angrily. The Doctor falls back, motioning the Inspector and the Boy to retreat.) Look out! He’s bad-tempered!

INSPECTOR

Ah! You needn’t tell me how you treat HIM! (The Doctor turns away.) And what about that helpless rabbit?

DOCTOR

(Goes to the hutch.)

The rabbit furnishes me with typhoid serum. And the neck of my horse is full of the serum that cures diphtheria. See! (Takes a small case from a pocket.) I’ll take some serum--just to show you. (Leans through the opening.) Here, back! Back up! Whoa, now!

INSPECTOR

Oh, don’t! I can’t bear it! Don’t! (The Horse stamps. She covers her eyes.) Don’t, I say! Oh, I’ll have you arrested for this!

DOCTOR

There! (Turns.) You see what THAT amounts to.

INSPECTOR

(Faces him.)

Oh, don’t try to fool me! You hurt him!

DOCTOR

Not more than the flick of a whip. (Puts the case away.)

INSPECTOR

(Triumphantly.)

There you are! The flick of a whip! What do you doctors care about the agony of your poor victims!

DOCTOR

I don’t cause pain unless it’s necessary.

INSPECTOR

Necessary! You shouldn’t be allowed to cause an animal ANY pain!

DOCTOR

Oh! Then, of course, you’re a vegetarian.

INSPECTOR

I am not!

DOCTOR

Well, I AM! You talk about pain! Do you know how lambs are killed? And cattle? Do you know anything about slaughtering hogs? THERE’S pain for you!

Part 5

INSPECTOR

We must have meat!

BOY

(Proudly.)

And my father’s going to bring us some venison.

DOCTOR

Your father?

BOY

He’s gone to the mountains--to hunt and fish. (Leans against his mother.)

INSPECTOR

(To the Boy.)

Hush!

DOCTOR

(Triumphantly.)

Ha! Hunt and fish!

INSPECTOR

Yes, hunt and fish. Why not?

DOCTOR

(Sarcastically.)

My dear lady, I see that you really ARE interested in animals.

INSPECTOR

(Angrily.)

Oh, I know what you mean! But let me tell you something: When my husband hunts, he gives an animal a chance for its life. And if he kills, he kills quick. But you--you mutilate in the name of science. You tie down your victims--and torture!

DOCTOR

I use ether and chloroform. But your husband--when he pulls a trout from the stream, it dies of suffocation.

INSPECTOR

(To the Boy, irritably.)

Don’t lean against me like that!

Part 6

DOCTOR

And when your husband goes shooting, he doesn’t find every bird that he wounds.

INSPECTOR

He finds as many as he can.

DOCTOR

Ha! As many as he can! But the ones he DOESN’T find! Are they chloroformed? And what about the animals that die in traps? And the birds that are snared? (He points at the Inspector.) How about that fox? That pheasant?

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