True Politeness: a Hand-Book of Etiquette for Ladies

Part 1

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Transcriber’s Note

Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. A list of corrections is found at the end of the text.

TRUE POLITENESS.

A HAND-BOOK OF ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES.

BY AN AMERICAN LADY.

New York: LEAVITT AND ALLEN.

Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1847, by

GEORGE S. APPLETON.

In the Office of the Clerk of the District Court of the United States in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.

CONTENTS.

Introductions 5 Recognitions and Salutations 11 Dress and Fashion 14 Conversation--Tattling 19 Visits and Visiting 26 Receiving Visits 32 Ball-Room--Parties--Dancing 36 Music 43 The Dinner Table 45 Courtship and Marriage 53 Servants 55 Letters and Notes 57 Funerals 59 Cards 60 Presents 61 General Observations 63

TRUE POLITENESS FOR LADIES.

INTRODUCTIONS.

Never introduce persons to each other without a knowledge that it will be agreeable to both parties; this may sometimes be ascertained without a formal question: very great intimacy with and knowledge of each party may be a sufficient assurance that the introduction will be agreeable.

II.

The inferior should always be introduced to the superior--ladies take precedence of gentlemen; you will present the gentleman to the lady, not the lady to the gentleman.

III.

An introduction at a ball for the purpose of dancing does not compel you to recognise the person in the street or in any public place; and except under very peculiar circumstances such intimacies had better cease with the ball.

IV.

When introducing one to another, mention the name of each distinctly. A failure to do this is often the cause of much embarrassment. If you have been introduced, and have not caught the name, it is better to say at once, “I beg pardon; I did not hear the name;” it will save much unpleasant feeling.

As a general rule, avoid all proffers of introduction, unless from those in whom, from relationship or other causes, you can place implicit confidence. A lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman can do, and her character is more easily affected by contact with the worthless and dissipated.

VI.

Upon a first introduction to a lady or gentleman, make a slight but gracious inclination of the head and body. The old style of curtsying has given place to the more easy and graceful custom of bowing. It is ill-bred to shake hands.

VII.

If you meet a lady for the second or subsequent times, the hand may be extended in addition to the inclination of the head; but never extend the hand to a gentleman, unless you are very intimate.

VIII.

Bow with slow and measured dignity; never hastily.

Part 2

IX.

If you wish to avoid the company of a gentleman who has been properly introduced, treat him with respect, at the same time shunning his company. But few will mistake you.

If, in travelling, any one introduces himself to you in a proper and respectful manner, conduct yourself toward him with reserve and dignity, yet with ease and politeness; and thank him for any attentions he may render you. If he is a gentleman he will appreciate your behavior; if he is not, he will be deterred from annoying you. All such acquaintances cease with the occasion. Converse only upon topics of general interest; it is necessary only to be civil. If he should betray the least want of respect, turn from him in dignified silence; a lady by her behavior always has it in her power to silence the boldest.

XI.

If on paying a morning visit you meet strangers at the house of your friend and are introduced, it is a mere matter of form, and does not entitle you to future recognition by such persons.

XII.

Be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter of introduction to a lady,--it may be the means of settling the weal or woe of the persons for life.

XIII.

If you have an introductory letter, do not deliver it yourself, unless upon cases of urgent business, but send it with your card and the number of your lodging, enclosed in an envelope, as soon as you have made yourself comfortable after arriving at your destination.

XIV.

On receiving a letter introducing any person, so soon as convenient wait upon her, and show such attention as the nature of the introduction may require: upon meeting the party introduced, you will easily perceive whether any further INTIMACY will be desirable.

XV.

A lady, who receives a letter introducing a gentleman, may answer it by a note to the bearer, inviting him to pay a morning or evening visit.

XVI.

When introduced to another lady, you may say, “I am very happy to make your acquaintance;” but there are few cases where this remark can be addressed with propriety to a gentleman. It is a favor for him to be presented to her, therefore the pleasure is on his side.

RECOGNITIONS AND SALUTATIONS.

XVII.

The superior in rank and station should first salute the inferior. Therefore, if you meet a gentleman in the street with whom you are acquainted, recollect that it is your province to recognise him before he presumes to salute you. Another reason is, he may bow to you, when you do not recognise him, and there is no remedy; but if you recognise him first, no gentleman would fail to return the salute. Though etiquette is quite definite on the subject, it is often waived with advantage when intimacy, equality of station and circumstances, and a known appreciation of each other, warrant the liberty.

XVIII.

If a person whom you have met as specified in Nos. IV. and XI., should presume to salute you, do not recognise the salute, but pass on, and leave him to suppose that you imagined it was intended for another.

XIX.

On meeting a friend in any public place, do not boisterously salute, or proclaim her name aloud.

XX.

It is, in general, bad taste for ladies to kiss each other in the presence of gentlemen, with whom they are but slightly acquainted.

XXI.

It is proper to vary the phraseology of questions concerning another’s health as much as possible, and to abstain from them entirely toward a superior or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, as such inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he is very ill or aged.

XXII.

After we are informed of the health of the persons we are visiting, it is proper to inquire of them in relation to that of their families; and in case of absence of near relations, if they have heard from them lately, and if the news is favorable. They on their part usually ask the same of us.

Part 3

XXIII.

If in a public promenade you repeatedly pass persons of your acquaintance, salute them only on the first occasion.

XXIV.

It is unladylike to cut a person; if you wish to rid yourself of any one’s society, a cold bow in the street, and particular ceremony in the circles of your mutual acquaintance, is the best mode to adopt.

XXV.

Always bow when meeting acquaintances in the street. To curtsy is not gracefully consistent with locomotion.

DRESS AND FASHION.

XXVI.

The plainest dress is always the most genteel, and a lady that dresses plainly will never be dressed unfashionably. Next to plainness, in every well-dressed lady, is neatness of dress and taste in the selection of colors.

XXVII.

Let your dress harmonize with your complexion, your size, and the circumstances in which you may be placed: for instance, the dress for walking, for a dinner or an evening party, each requires a different style of both material and ornament.

XXVIII.

Avoid the extreme mode; and, in adopting the style of your friend, be careful that it will suit your figure, your complexion, and stature: the dress which may be adapted to her may be absurd in you.

XXIX.

If your stature be short, you should not allow a superfluity of flounces upon the skirt of your dress: if you are tall, they may be advantageously adopted when fashion does not forbid them.

XXX.

A very high head-dress would not be suitable for a very tall or short person; the latter may venture upon a higher dress than the former. A person with a short neck should be careful as to the sort of frill she wears, if she considers one necessary; while a person with a very long one may relieve the awkwardness of the appearance by judiciously adopting this article of dress.

XXXI.

A hostess should not dress so richly as when she is a guest: it is good taste in a lady not to appear to vie with her guests in the richness of her attire.

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