More Goops and How Not to Be Them: a Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants

Part 1

MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM

By Gelett Burgess

Books by Gelett Burgess

VIVETTE; or the Memoirs of the Romance Association. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. 152 pp. 8vo. $1.25

A GAGE OF YOUTH; Poems, chiefly from the "Lark." 58 pp. Small 8vo. Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. $1.00

THE ROMANCE OF THE COMMONPLACE; A Collection of Essays upon the Romantic View of Life. 152 pp. Small 4to. Elder & Shepard, San Francisco. $1.50

THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Modern Fairy Tales for City Children. With 53 illustrations (8 in color) by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 210 pp. Small 4to. $1.50. Boards, $1.00

THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK; Being a complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of Gelett Burgess, Esq. With 196 illustrations by the Author. 239 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. Cloth, $2.00 net. Boards, $1.25

GOOPS, and How to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 88 pp. 5th edition. Small 4to. $1.50

MORE GOOPS, and How Not to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. 88 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. $1.50

MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM

A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations

By GELETT BURGESS

NEW YORK

Frederick A. Stokes Company

Publishers

COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY GELETT BURGESS

Published September, 1903

* * * * *

CONTENTS

Introduction Goop! Goop! Goop! Window-Smoochers Visiting A Low Trick Picking and Stealing When to Go Loyalty "Ain't" Indolence Nell the Nibbler The Law of Hospitality Justice The Flower Hospital A Puzzle Puppy Goops Frankness Exaggeration The Duty of the Strong Noise! Noise! Noise! Walking with Papa Stealing Rides Piano Torture Untidy Goops At Table A Goop Party How to Eat Soup Inquisitiveness Baby's Apology Don't Be Good In the Street Write Right! Sick Furniture Wet Feet Borrowed Plumes Dress Quickly! The Goop Picnic Danger! Book-Manners The Reason Why Poor Mother! In Goop Attire Cheating Impossible

INTRODUCTION

Children, although you might expect My manners to be quite correct (For since I fancy I can teach, I ought to practice what I preach), 'Tis true that I have often braved My mother's wrath, and misbehaved! And almost every single rule I broke, before I went to school! For that is how I learned the way To teach you etiquette to-day. So when you chance to take a look At all the maxims in the book, You'll see that most of them are true, I found them out, and so will you, For if you are as GOOP derided, You may perhaps reform, as I did!

WINDOW-SMOOCHERS

Little Goops are marking On the window pane; I forbid, in vain! Noses, when they're greasy, Leave a smooch so easy! Rub it out again! I shall have to scold them, For I've often told them, Kindly, to refrain!

A LOW TRICK

The meanest trick I ever knew Was one I know you never do. I saw a Goop once try to do it, And there was nothing funny to it. He pulled a chair from under me As I was sitting down; but he Was sent to bed, and rightly, too. It was a horrid thing to do!

WHEN TO GO

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When you go a-calling, Never stay too late; You will wear your welcome out If you hesitate! Just before they're tired of you, Just before they yawn, Before they think you are a Goop, And wish that you were gone, While they're laughing with you, While they like you so, While they want to keep you,-- That's the time to go!

"AIN'T"

Now "ain't" is a word That is very absurd To use for an "isn't" or "aren't." Ask Teacher about it: She'll say, "Do without it!" I wish you would see if you can't!

NELL THE NIBBLER

She ate some chocolate drops at 1, At 2, she thought she'd take A little jelly and a bun; At 3, some frosted cake.

At 4, she nibbled at a roll; At 5, a doughnut spied, And ate it (all except the hole), And then some cookies tried.

At 6, she didn't feel quite right, And didn't care for dinner. She said she had no appetite, With so much Goop-food in her!

JUSTICE

Whenever brother's sent to bed, Or punished, do not go And peer at him and jeer at him, And say, "I told you so!"

Nor should you try to make him laugh When he has been so bad; Let him confess his naughtiness Before you both are glad!

A PUZZLE

There are about a thousand things I'm not allowed to do; Most everything I'm fondest of I'm told is wrong--are you?

They say, "Please don't do that, my child!" They say, "You mustn't, dear!" I hope sometime I'll learn what's right, For now it seems so queer!

FRANKNESS

When you are talking, I expect You'd better hold your head erect! Please look me squarely in the eye Unless you're telling me a lie. For if you crouch and look askance, Regarding me with sidelong glance, I'll think it is a Goop I see Who is afraid to look at me!

THE DUTY OF THE STRONG

You who are the oldest, You who are the tallest, Don't you think you ought to help The youngest and the smallest?

You who are the strongest, You who are the quickest, Don't you think you ought to help The weakest and the sickest?

Never mind the trouble, Help them all you can; Be a little woman! Be a little man!

WALKING WITH PAPA

"Won't you walk a little farther?" Said a Goop to his Papa; "It is really quite delightful, And we haven't travelled far; Wont you walk a little farther, There's a house I'd like to see! Won't you walk a little farther, Till we reach that cherry-tree?"

"Won't you carry me? I'm tired!" Whined a Goop to his Papa; "And my feet are sore and weary, And we've gone so very far! Won't you carry me? I'm tired! And I can't walk back alone! Won't you carry me? I'm tired!" And the Goop began to groan.

PIANO TORTURE

Pianos are considered toys By Goops, and naughty girls and boys; They pound upon the keys, They lift the cover up, on top, To see the little jiggers hop, And both the pedals squeeze!

But instruments so rich and fine (Especially if they're not mine) I ought to treat with care; So when my elder sister plays She'll find it is in tune always, Nor injured anywhere!

AT TABLE

Why is it Goops must always wish To touch each apple on the dish? Why do they never neatly fold Their napkins until they are told? Why do they play with food, and bite Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right? Why do they tilt back in their chairs? Because they're Goops! So no one cares!

HOW TO EAT SOUP

Part 3

Whenever you are eating soup Remember not to be a Goop! And if you think to say this rhyme, Perhaps 'twill help you every time:

Like little boats that put to sea, I push my spoon AWAY from me; I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape The last few drops, like hungry ape!

Like little boats, that, almost filled, Come back without their cargoes spilled, My spoon sails gently to my lips, Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.

BABY'S APOLOGY

Dear little seed, queer little seed, Tucked into bed in the garden, Why don't you grow? Why, don't you know Baby is asking your pardon?

Out, little seed! Sprout, little seed! Baby did wrong without knowing! Hoping for you, groping for you, To see if you really were growing.

Break, little seed! Wake, little seed! Baby will watch and not harm you. Everything's bright, everything's right, Nothing is here to alarm you.

Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed, Fold your green leaflets around you; There, little seed! Fair little seed, Baby's so glad he has found you!

IN THE STREET

Peelings on the sidewalk, Apple-cores and all, Kick them in the gutter; Save some one a fall! Barrel hoops, glass, and cans, And wires in the street, Kick them in the gutter; You'll save some horse's feet!

SICK FURNITURE

Sitting on the table, Standing on the chairs, That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears! How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?

BORROWED PLUMES

Don't try on the wraps, The bonnets and caps Of company coming to call! Admire, if you please, But garments like these Should always feel safe in the hall!

THE GOOP PICNIC

They came to the best sort of place for a rest, On the grass, with the trees overhead, They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch, And they had a be-autiful spread!

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