Miss Civilization: a Comedy in One Act

Part 1

Produced by Theresa Aramao

MISS CIVILIZATION

A Comedy In One Act

By Richard Harding Davis

"Miss Civilization" is founded on a story by the late James Harvey Smith. All professional rights in this play belong to Richard Harding Davis. Amateurs who desire to produce "Miss Civilization" may do so, providing they apply for permission to the editor of Collier's Weekly, in which publication this play was first printed.

PEOPLE IN THE PLAY

ALICE GARDNER: Daughter of James K. Gardner, President of the L.I. & W. Railroad

"UNCLE" JOSEPH HATCH: Alias "Gentleman Joe"

"BRICK" MEAKIN: Alias "Reddy, the Kid"

HARRY HAYES: Alias "Grand Stand" Harry

CAPTAIN LUCAS: Chief of Police

Policemen, Brakemen, Engineers

Scene--The dining room in the country house of James K. Gardner on Long Island. In the back wall is a double doorway opening into a hall. A curtain divided in the middle hangs across the entrance. On the wall on either side of the doorway are two electric lights, and to the left is a telephone. Further to the left is a sideboard. On it are set silver salvers, candlesticks, and Christmas presents of silver. They still are in the red flannel bags in which they arrived. In the left wall is a recessed window hung with curtains. Against the right wall is a buffet on which is set a tea-caddy, toast-rack, and tea kettle. Below the buffet a door opens into the butler's pantry. A dinner table stands well down the stage with a chair at each end and on either side. Two chairs are set against the back wall to the right of the door. The walls and windows are decorated with holly and mistletoe and Christmas wreaths tied with bows of scarlet ribbon. When the window is opened there is a view of falling snow. At first the room is in complete darkness.

The time is the day after Christmas, near midnight.

After the curtain rises, one hears the noise of a file scraping on iron. It comes apparently from outside the house at a point distant from the dining room. The filing is repeated cautiously, with a wait between each stroke, as though the person using the file had paused to listen.

Alice Gardner enters at centre, carrying a lighted candle in a silver candlestick. She wears a dressing gown, with swan's down around her throat and at the edges of her sleeves. Her feet are in bedroom slippers topped with fur. Her hair hangs down in a braid. After listening intently to the sound of the file, she places candle on sideboard and goes to telephone. She speaks in a whisper.

ALICE: Hello, Central. Hello, Central. (Impatiently) Wake up! Wake up! Is that you, Central? Give me the station agent at Bedford Junction--quick. What? I CAN'T speak louder. Well, you MUST hear me. Give me the station agent at Bedford Junction. No, there's always a man there all night. Hurry, please, hurry. (There is a pause, during which the sound of the file grows louder. Alice listens apprehensively.) Hello, are you the station agent? Good! Listen! I am Miss Gardner, James K. Gardner's daughter. Yes, James K. Gardner, the president of the road. This is his house. My mother and I are here alone. There are three men trying to break in. Yes, burglars, of course. My mother is very ill. If they frighten her the shock might--might be very serious. Wake up the crew, and send the wrecking train here--at once. Send--the--crew--of--the-- wrecking train here--quick. What? Then fire up an engine and get it here as fast as you can.

VOICE: (calling from second story) Alice!

ALICE: (at telephone) Yes, you have. The up-track's clear until "52" comes along. That's not until--

VOICE: (Louder) Alice!

ALICE: (with dismay) Mother! (At telephone) Hello, hold the wire. Don't go away! (Runs to curtains, parts them, and looks up as though speaking to some one at top of stairs) Mother, why AREN'T you in bed?

VOICE: Is anything wrong, Alice?

ALICE: No, dear, no. I just came down to--get a book I forgot. Please go back, dearest.

VOICE: I heard you moving about. I thought you might be ill.

ALICE: No, dearest, but YOU'LL be very ill if you don't keep in bed. Please, mother--at once. It's all right, it's all right.

VOICE: Yes, dear. Good night.

ALICE: Good night, mother. (Returns quickly to telephone) Hello! Hello! Stop the engine at the foot of our lawn. Yes, yes, at the foot of our lawn. And when you have the house surrounded, when the men are all around the house, blow three whistles so I'll know you're here. What? Oh, that's all right. The burglars will be here. I'LL see to that. All YOU have to do is to GET here. If you don't you, you'll lose your job! I say, if you don't, you'll lose your job, or I'm not the daughter of the president of this road. NOW, YOU JUMP! And--wait--hello (turns from telephone) He's jumped.

(The file is now drawn harshly across the bolt of the window of the dining room, and a piece of wood snaps. With an exclamation, Alice blows out the candle and exits. The shutters of the windows are opened, admitting the faint glow of moonlight. The window is raised and the ray of a dark lantern is swept about the room. HATCH appears at window and puts one leg inside. He is an elderly man wearing a mask which hides the upper half of his face, a heavy overcoat, and a derby hat. But for the mask he might be mistaken for a respectable man of business. A pane of glass falls from the window and breaks on the sill.)

Part 2

HATCH: (Speaking over his shoulder) Hush! Be careful, can't you? (He enters. He is followed by "GRAND STAND" HARRY, a younger man of sporting appearance. He also wears a mask, and the brim of his gray alpine hat is pulled over his eyes. Around his throat he wears a heavy silk muffler). It's all right. Come on. Hurry up, and close those shutters.

HARRY: (to REDDY outside) Give me the bag, Reddy.

(REDDY appears at window. He is dressed like a Bowery tough. His face is blackened with burnt cork. His hair is of a brilliant red. He wears an engineer's silk cap with visor. To HARRY he passes a half-filled canvas bag. On his shoulder he carries another. On entering he slips and falls forward on the floor).

HATCH: Confound you!

HARRY: Hush, you fool.

HATCH: Has he broken anything?

REDDY: (on floor, rubbing his head) I've broke my head.

HATCH: That's no loss. Has he smashed that silver?

HARRY: (feeling in bag) It feels all right.

(HATCH cautiously parts curtains at centre and exits into hall.)

REDDY: (lifts bag) We got enough stuff in this bag already without wasting time on ANOTHER house.

HARRY: Wasting time! Time's money in THIS house. Look at this silver. That's the beauty of working the night AFTER Christmas; everybodys' presents is lying about loose, and everybody's too tired celebrating to keep awake. (Lifts silver loving cup) Look at that cup!

REDDY: I'd rather look at a cup of coffee.

HARRY: (Contemptuously) Ah, you!

REDDY: Well, I can't make a meal out of silver ice pitchers, can I? I've been through three refrigerators tonight, and nothing in any of em but bottles of MILK! MILK!

HARRY: Get up, get up, get to work.

REDDY: The folks in this town are the stingiest I ever see. I won't visit em again, no matter how often they ask me. (Rising and crossing to buffet) I wonder if these folks is vegetarians, too.

(HATCH enters)

HATCH: It seems all right. There's no light, and everybody's quiet. (To HARRY) You work the bedrooms. I'll clear away those things. Don't be rough, now.

HARRY: I know my business. Give me the light. (Takes lantern and exits centre)

HATCH: Hist, Reddy. Reddy, leave that alone. That's not safe. (Removes silver from sideboard to bag).

REDDY: I know it ain't, governor. I'm lookin' for somethin' to eat. (He kneels in front of buffet, and opens door.)

HATCH: No, you're not! You're not here to eat. Come and give me a hand with this stuff.

REDDY: Gee! I've found a bottle of whiskey. (Takes bottle from buffet and begins to pull at the cork.)

HATCH: Well, you put it right back where you found it.

REDDY: I know a better place than that to put it.

HATCH: How many times have I told you I'll not let you drink in business hours?

REDDY: Oh, just once, governor; it's a cruel, cold night. (Coughs.) I need it for medicine.

Part 3

HATCH: No, I tell you!

REDDY: Just ONE dose. Here's to you. (Drinks.) Oh, Lord! (He sputters and coughs violently.)

HATCH: (starts toward him) Hush! Stop that, you fool.

REDDY: Oh, Im poisoned! That's benzine, governor. What do you think of that? Benzine! It's burned me throat out.

HATCH: I wish it had burned your tongue out! CAN'T you keep still?

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