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Part 4

Miss Civilization: a Comedy in One Act · Richard Harding Davis — chapter 4 of 10 · ~699 words · public domain

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HATCH: No, you don't. You can wait till later for something to eat.

REDDY: Yes, I can wait till later for something to eat, but I can wait better if I eat now. (Exit into pantry.)

HATCH: Confound him. If I knew the roads around here as well as he does, I'd drive off and leave him. That appetite of his will send us to jail some day.

HARRY: Well, to tell the truth, governor, a little supper wouldn't hurt my feelings. (Goes to buffet.) I wonder where old man Gardner keeps his Havanas? I'd like a Christmas present of a box of cigars. Are there any over here?

HATCH: I didn't look. I gave up robbing tills when I was quite a boy. (Carries bag toward window and looks out.)

HARRY: (Takes box of cigars from buffet) Ah, here they are. (With disgust.) Domestics! What do you think of that? Made in Vermont. The "Admiral Dewey" cigar. Gee! What was the use of Dewey's taking Manila, if I've got to smoke Vermont cigars?

(REDDY enters, carrying tray with food and a bottle.)

REDDY: Say, fellers, look at this layout. These is real people in this house. I found cold birds, and ham, and all kinds of pie, and real wine. (Places tray on right end of table.) Sit down, and make yourselves perfectly at home.

HARRY: Well, well, that does look good. (Places box of cigars at upper end of table, and seats himself.) Better have a bite, governor.

HATCH: No, I tell you. (He sits angrily in chair at left end of table, with his face turned toward the curtains.)

REDDY: Oh, come on. It don't cost you nothing. (The light from the candle is seen approaching the curtains.)

HATCH: Hush! Look there!

(He rises, lifting his chair above his head, and advances on tiptoe to right of curtains, where he stands with the chair raised as though to strike.

HARRY points revolver at curtains.

REDDY shifts the lantern to his left hand and, standing close to HARRY, also points a revolver.

ALICE appears between curtains. She is dressed as before, and in her left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her right hand is held warningly to her lips. For an instant she pauses, in the ring of light from the lantern.)

ALICE: (Whispering) Hush! Don't make a noise. Don't make a noise, please.

(There is a long pause.)

REDDY: Well, I'll be hung!

ALICE: (To REDDY) Please don't make a noise.

HATCH: (in a threatening whisper) Don't YOU make a noise.

ALICE: I don't mean to. My mother is asleep upstairs and she is very ill. And I don't want to wake her--and I don't want you to wake her, either.

REDDY: Well, I'll be hung!

HATCH: (Angrily) Who else is in this house?

ALICE: No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep. You woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother. But when you started in making a night of it, I decided I'd better come down and ask you to be as quiet as possible. My mother is not at all well. (Takes cigar box off table.) Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars. Those are the cigars father keeps for his friends. Those he smokes he hides over here. (Places box on buffet and takes out a larger box, with partitions for cigars, matches, and cigarettes. As she moves about, REDDY keeps her well in the light of the lantern.) Try those. I'm afraid you've a very poor supper. When father is away, we have such a small family. I can't see what you've--would you mind taking that light out of my eyes, and pointing it at that tray?

HATCH: (sharply) Don't you do it. Keep the gun on her.

ALICE: Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me, so long as he does not point that light at me. It's most--embarrassing. (Sternly.) Turn it down there, please. (REDDY lets light fall on tray.) Why, that's cooking sherry you've got. You can't drink THAT! Let me get you some whiskey.

REDDY: (covering her with lantern) No, you don't. That's not whiskey. It's benzine.

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