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Part 4

The Seaside Sibyl · Anonymous — chapter 4 of 15 · ~666 words · public domain

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Send 10 Cents to E. S. WELLS, Jersey City, N. J., and receive by return mail a beautiful “ROUGH ON RATS” IRON HOLDER. It’s splendid.

Also, 15 Cents for a New Chromo, in seven colors, 13 × 21 inches, elegant for any room or office, entitled “HOUSEHOLD TROUBLES.” Best thing out.

And 10 Cents for a set of large size SCRAP BOOK CARDS in colors; amusing, instructive, beautiful.

And 35 Cents for Song and Chorus of “ROUGH ON RATS.” This is immense. Just out. Everybody crazy for it.

And 5 Cents for “THE SEASIDE SIBYL; OR LEAVES OF DESTINY.” A fortune teller in verse. Filled with comic illustrations.

All together, 50 Cents.

* * * * *

13. At Ocean Grove you’ll forsake worldly notions, Drink nothing but tea and attend your devotions.

14. A heart and fortune you will gain, In this summer’s grand campaign.

15. Before you go too far, Be sure there’s not another side, The brighter side to mar.

16. A life both long and wisely spent, With children to your heart’s content.

17. Happy when single, but not content, You’ll marry in haste and soon repent.

18. Lovers and books romantic-- Music of the grand Atlantic-- This year will make you nearly frantic.

* * * * *

“THE ASCENT.”--CATSKILLS.]

* * * * *

They say when Bismarck greeted Grant, he smiled one of those fatherland grins, held out his hand and exclaimed: “Vegates, sheneral? I vas overcome mit gladness by myself to see you; sit mit yourself down. Adolph, two beers, right away, quick, so helup you gracious!”

It has cost $223,000,000 to look after the Indians during the past ten years. The Indians may be poor, but so are several persons in New York and other large cities.

“What I’d like to know,” said a schoolboy, “Is how the mouths of rivers can be so much larger than their heads.” The boy has evidently not yet seen much of our congressmen.

* * * * *

ALL this trouble might have been avoided by the use of one FIFTEEN CENT BOX of “ROUGH ON RATS.”

Clears out Rats, Mice, Flies, Bed-Bugs, Ants, Roaches, Mosquitoes, &c.]

The supper was laid on a table trim When out comes, roaring, my young son, Jim, “Oh! daddy, the rats! A dozen or two, Are gobbling the supper, and baby too.” My wife, with a scream, seized iron and broom, I clutched a bottle, and made for the room. Never was heard such a hullabaloo! It woke up the cat, and terrier too. The terrier thought we were hunting the cat, Got a grip of her tail, as she went for the rat. Jim, with his hatchet, tumbled over a pail, And tried to hold terrier back by the tail. I caught Jim by the wool, but rather too late-- The table received such a bump from his pate That teapot, plates, lamp, chairs, baby and all, Were upset on the floor, ’mid crash and squall. The people about shouted “Murder! Fire!” And the Police rushed in the cause to inquire; They’d listen to nothing we wanted to state, But to the next station lugged me off straight. Swore I was drunk--nearly murdered my wife, And of my poor infant endangered the life, Broke tables, chairs, and the crockery ware; When the Justice said, “What a savage old bear,” Not heeding a word my poor wife did swear. Imprisoned and fined, I cursed my sad fate, When lately I learned, but rather too late, Instead of depending on traps, dogs or cats, My only protection was “Rough on Rats.”

* * * * *

19. The “Mighty Dollar” cannot buy The love for which in vain you sigh.

20. Look in the glass and you will see Your source of power and frailty.

21. A well known line you may transpose-- “A thorn is always near a rose.”

22. You nobly strive to make it known “’Tis bad for man to be alone.”

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