Part 35

Examination Gems.

A school examination room might not to a casual observer seem to be a very likely place to find entertainment. However, the answers often given by pupils are sometimes excruciatingly funny, as is proved by the following:--

DEFINITIONS.

Function.--“When a fellow feels in a funk.”

Quotation.--“The answer to a division sum.”

Civil War.--“When each side gives way a little.”

The Four Seasons.--“Pepper, mustard, salt and vinegar.”

Alias.--“Means otherwise--he was tall, but she was alias.”

Compurgation.--“When he was going to have anything done to him, and if he could get anyone to say, ‘not innocent,’ he was let off.”

The Equator.--“Means the sun. Suppose we draw a straight line and the sun goes up to the top, then it is day, and when it comes down it is night.”

Precession.--“(1) When things happen before they take place. (2) The arrival of the equator in the plane of the ecliptic before it is due.”

Demagogue.--“A vessel that holds beer, wine, gin, whisky, or any other intoxicating liquor.”

Chimera.--“A thing used to take likenesses with.”

Watershed.--“A place in which boats are stored in winter.”

Gender.--“Is the way whereby we tell what sex a man is.”

Cynical.--“A cynical lump of sugar is one pointed at the top.”

Immaculate.--“State of those who have passed the entrance examination at the University.”

Frantic.--“Means wild. I picked up some frantic flowers.”

Nutritious.--“Something to eat that aint got no taste to it.”

Repugnant.--“One who repugs.”

Memory.--“The thing you forget with.”

HISTORY.

“Without the uses of History everything goes to the bottom. It is a most interesting study when you know something about it.”

“Oliver Cromwell was a man who was put into prison for his interference in Ireland. When he was in prison he wrote ‘The Pilgrim’s Progress,’ and married a lady called Mrs. O’Shea.”

“Wolsey was a famous General who fought in the Crimean war, and who, after being decapitated several times, said to Cromwell, ‘Ah, if I had only served you as you have served me, I would not have been deserted in my old age.’ He was the founder of the Wesleyan Chapel, and was afterwards called Lord Wellington. A monument was erected to him in Hyde Park, but it has been taken down lately.”

“Perkin Warbeck raised a rebellion in the reign of Henry VIII. He said he was the son of a Prince, but he was really the son of respectable people.”

Which do you consider the greater General, Cæsar or Hannibal? “If we consider who Cæsar and Hannibal were, the age in which they lived, and the kind of men they commanded, and then ask ourselves which was the greater, we shall be obliged to reply in the affirmative.”

Why was it that his great discovery was not properly appreciated until after Columbus was dead? “Because he did not advertise.”