Part 17

Many elderly ladies, and others whose time is very much occupied by social or other duties, excuse themselves from calling customs. Under such circumstances, they frequently send their cards, accompanied by an invitation, to newcomers younger in years, thus entirely omitting the personal visit. Such invitations, whether accepted or not, should be honored in the same manner as if preceded by a call.

If two people meet pleasantly at a friend's house and wish to continue the acquaintance so begun, let them not hesitate, should none of the before-mentioned distinctions exist, as to which should make the first visit. Still, it is ofttimes wise not to call too hastily upon the newcomer, especially in cities, where it is well first to be properly introduced, and further still to have some assurance that your acquaintance is desired by them as well. As before stated, priority of residence, age, or pre-eminence in social position, should properly be upon the side of the one making the first advances. If none of these exist, let the braver of the two break the social ice.

The etiquette of summer resorts demands that the owners of cottages call first upon renters, and afterward that both unite in calling upon later comers and arrivals at hotels or boarding houses. Of course, such intercourse is simply for the pleasure of the time being, and carries with it no responsibility of recognition in the future, unless such recognition should be satisfactory to both parties. It would be well for the "summer girl" and the "summer young man" to remember this canon whereby "society" guards the doors of its exclusiveness, enjoy the "good that the gods give" and expect no more.

Substitute for First Call.

In continental countries, and in cosmopolitan Washington, newcomers make the first advances themselves, leaving cards with those whom they wish to number among their acquaintances. Every one returns these cards, and invitations flow in upon the aspirant for social honors. This custom, unfortunately, does not hold good anywhere else in this country, though a polite expedient is sometimes adopted by persons entering upon life in a new city. This consists in the newcomer sending out her cards for several reception days in a month. These may be accompanied, or not, by the card of some friend well known in social circles, if such she have, to serve as voucher. If not, she relies upon her own merits and sends out her cards unaccompanied. According to the varied authorities recommending this course of action, those rudely ignoring this suggestion are few in number, and the lady is permitted at once to feel that she has commenced her social career.

Morning and Evening Visits.

Any visit made between the hours of twelve and six is to be looked upon as a morning visit, though there is a little difference in various cities with regard to the exact time. Where one expects to touch upon reception hours, from three to five is usually a safe limit. In country towns or the small cities, from two to five are the usual hours for paying visits. Evening visits should be made between the hours of eight and nine, and ordinarily should never extend in length beyond the hour of ten.

Sunday Visits.

Gentlemen are permitted to call upon lady friends, Sundays after church and Sunday evenings, business cares being their excuse for not availing themselves of the other days of the week. Of course, if there exists any known objection in the family to Sunday visiting all their friends are bound to respect it.

Reception Days.

If a lady have a known reception day, callers are bound, in common politeness, to make their visits, as far as possible, upon that day. If this is not done, either a card only should be left, or, if a personal visit is intended, particular instructions should be given to the servant to the effect that if "Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged she is not to trouble herself to come down." For which thoughtfulness, "Mrs. Brown," if she be a busy woman, and troubled with many social cares, will cordially thank you.

Unfortunately, it often happens that many of our friends have the same reception day, and one's own "day" may conflict with that of one's nearest friend, so that, where the circle of acquaintance is large, much good nature, a few apologies and a great many cards are needed to safely balance the social accounts.

It is considered a rudeness to simply leave a card, when one happens to arrive upon a lady's reception day, without entering the room for a few moments' visit.

"Not at Home," "Engaged."

The simple and necessary formulæ of, "Not at home," or "Engaged," are more frequently questioned than any other social custom. Nevertheless their use is often a necessity, while, on the contrary, their abuse is to be regretted. No suspicion of an untruth need apply to either, for the phrase, "Not at home," is used with the accepted signification of, "Not at home, for the time being, to any visitors." If, however, conscience rebels against this so transparent fraud, there is always the alternative of "Engaged," which carries not the least suspicion of deception with it, but is somewhat less gracious to the ear.

Indeed, were it not for these safeguards, the woman of society must bid good-by to all opportunities for solitude, self-improvement, or the fulfillment of her own social duties.

The servant should be very carefully instructed each morning as to the formulæ to be employed through the day, or such portion of the day as the lady of the house shall require to herself. No lady, after a servant has informed her that the mistress of the house is "not at home," will question as to her whereabouts, or the probable length of her absence. If she should so far forget her dignity, the well-trained servant will answer all inquiries with a respectful, "I do not know, Madame," adding, if such be the case, "Mrs. Brown receives on Thursdays."

Should a servant show evident hesitation upon receiving your card, and say, "I will see if Mrs. Brown is in," enter the parlor, at the same time saying, "If Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged, or going out, beg her not to trouble herself."

Never, except upon urgent necessity, insist upon pencilling a word or two upon a visiting card and sending it up, where a lady is "engaged," as a demand upon her attention. If a servant has said the lady is "not at home," she has a perfect right to refuse the message.

In suburban towns and small cities, where reception days are not common, the lady of the house must be very careful how and when she denies herself to visitors. Indeed, in all cases much discrimination must be shown in this respect, as great inconvenience may result, and some injustice be done, by an indiscriminate denial. But, as before said, in towns, it is better, if possible, to receive guests. Even if no servant is kept, the mistress can usually, by the exercise of a little care, keep herself neat and presentable. If at any time some slight alterations are necessary to the toilet, let the interval thus employed be very short.

Some one has said that it would be well for a lady having a reception day to devote a part of the morning of the same day to business calls, and to instruct her servants to inform all comers of this custom.

Visiting List.

It is well for all ladies having a large list of acquaintances to keep a carefully revised visiting list to assist their memories as to addresses, names of persons to invite, reception days of acquaintances, and, if possible, a list of their own ceremonious visits for the season, noting those that have been returned. The time thus expended is amply repaid by the convenience of reference and the avoidance of the possibility of making a second visit when the first is unreturned. Also this list serves as a basis for the visiting list of the next season; those having failed to return calls or cards being dropped from the new list.

Visits Between Ladies and Gentlemen.

A gentleman, as a rule, should not ask a lady for permission to call upon her. It is very easy for her, if she desires his company, to say: "I receive Thursdays," or, "I shall be at home Monday." It is a great discourtesy for a gentleman not to call at the time mentioned, or in a very few days, after being thus invited by a lady. Some gentlemen, if simply asked to "call sometime," will ask, "when may I have the pleasure of seeing you?" To this question a definite answer should be returned, if possible. Very young ladies do not thus invite gentlemen; the invitation coming from either father, mother, or chaperon.

A gentleman does not call upon a lady without some intimation of her wishes in the matter, unless he is the bearer of a letter of introduction, or is taken to her home by some friend sufficiently well acquainted to warrant the liberty. He may, however, seek an introduction through some mutual acquaintance.

Ladies may express regret at being out when a gentleman called; he also should regret the absence. If it should happen that a gentleman should call several times in succession and be so unfortunate as to miss the lady each time, it would be quite proper for her to write him a note, regretting her absence and appointing an evening when she would be at home for his next call. This would remove any feeling of annoyance on his part that perhaps her absence had been premeditated.

Gentlemen frequently call upon their married lady friends, doing so without the slightest appearance of secrecy and with full knowledge of all parties concerned. Indeed, the right of entrance to some of these pleasant home parlors is a great boon to the unmarried men of our cities. Ladies do not call upon gentlemen except professionally or officially, or, it may be, in some cases of protracted invalidism.