Section 1. a Gentleman Should Always Be Perfectly Polite With His Social

inferiors, no matter how he may be brought in contact with them, whether he meets them in company with his equals or inferiors, or if alone. For though your inferiors, they deserve respect, and a deviation from politeness on their account would cause your politeness towards equals to appear false, a shield to your true manner. Always be polite to your inferiors, and it naturally follows that you will be politeness itself with your equals. A gentleman has no superiors.

Politeness is called for in every turn a gentleman may make, whether among ladies or gentlemen, or inferiors, in society or in business, among relatives, acquaintances, friends, or strangers.

2. An insult is not to be recognized when offered by an inferior; pay no attention to such, unless it is followed by violence, or when it places you in an awkward position in presence of equals, and even then, if from one decidedly inferior, or a woman, do not return it, but summon the agents of the law to rid you of the nuisance. If an equal, it is at your own option whether or not you resent the insult, which can be done by the use of irony; thus, though an implied return of the insult, your resentment is on its face politeness itself. Duels are not allowable in America, and seldom in any country. A deadly insult is now usually looked upon by society as a just cause of expulsion of the insulter from its ranks, as no longer worthy of the name of gentleman; for modern society is more just than the society in the days of knighthood, when a gross insult would be looked upon with favor, as but a preliminary to a test of skill at arms. All the remedy a gentleman has in this age is either an apology from his opponent, or the future avoidance and non-recognition of him, or, in extreme cases, a resort to the law.

3. The most indifferent, collected, firm, and blasé of society men are susceptible to embarrassments. No matter how sure you may be of being proof against them, there always comes a time when the firm foundation is undermined by a sudden inpour of unforeseen circumstances, which brings your guarded and fortified walls of conceit and coolness to earth, and tends to humble your pride. Now, many society men hold that a man should never become embarrassed under any circumstances. Not so; there are instances where to remain unmoved and indifferent to embarrassment would show an uncultured exercise of politeness. For example, how could a gentleman, having spoken to his companion of a third party in an insulting manner, refrain from embarrassment when that companion subsequently turns up and presents the third person, who thereupon reproaches him for his prior insinuation and insult? Yet in ninety-nine cases out of every hundred the gentle and polite society men remain unmoved and unembarrassed, making excuses and stating falsely. Yet they leave impressions of impoliteness and rudeness upon the minds of their victims. Suit the necessity of embarrassment to the occasion. Only if he has shown marked impoliteness or rudeness, or both, need a gentleman show concern subsequent to his remark or manner.

4. Temper is the last subject for discussion here; but it is not by any means the least in importance. In fact, if it were not for a proper control and exercise of temper, there would hardly be necessity for elucidating half the subjects already so defined. The temper should never be displayed under circumstances pertaining to society proper. That is, to your equals a tranquil nature and manner should always be shown, no matter how trying the position. To inferiors temper should not be shown while in sight or hearing of equals, and even when alone with servants or agents only in case of breach of duty, and then should merely be shown sufficiently far to make a reprimand more severe. In fact there are so many remedies for circumstances tending to rouse the temper that it should be done away with as a bad habit. When you do so far forget your politeness as to allow the temper to rise, be sure that it is not directed to a lady.

VISITING

A gentleman should as seldom as possible offer a regret for an invitation to visit, and when doing so must see that his excuse is a good one. Only business, traveling, and sickness are sufficiently strong causes of refusal. To offer a poor excuse is to cause a suspicion of a dislike on your part for the inviter, his or her family or home, or perhaps that you are too little interested in the whole affair to bother about visiting the person. Such poor excuses, though apparently sufficient in your judgment, not only appear weak to the inviters, but cause them to neglect you in the future in respect to visiting. Of course, if you are visiting or about to visit, an excuse to that effect is sufficient, provided you explain that the invitation you have accepted was received and acknowledged prior to the one which you are regretting. Your excuse, when a good one, should be strong, sincere, and regretfully expressed, and, above all, never hint that you will be at liberty for a visit later, or at some future date. There is such a thing as being too indifferent in a regret to an invitation, and also such a thing as showing in a regret too deep an interest or anxiety to accept. And this latter is bad enough without being accompanied by broad hints. If the first invitation was sincere and the inviter really desired your company, you may be sure a second attempt will be made and another invitation issued. When accepting an invitation, it is best to adhere strictly to your acceptation of the kindness and express such in sincere terms. Do not be too effusive, but to the point, for an acceptance is not a letter and should therefore be short and formal. If a regret, the rule may be reversed, as, not intending to visit, you are justified in substituting a letter, whereas acceptances are followed by the visit, and a lengthy epistle would be unnecessary.

After having accepted an invitation, be sure to take with you a sufficient supply of clothes for variety, and also that you may be prepared for emergencies or a prolongation of your visit. It is very rude and impolite to inquire in your note of acceptance as to the length of time of stay. You may depend upon it that no person having any knowledge of society would invite you for, at the most, more than a week, and if longer the inviter would acquaint you of the fact in the invitation. But for a week or less the inviter would neglect to mention any given time of stay. But it should be understood that at the close of the second day the visitor is to remark upon his departure as fixed for the following day; then if the host or hostess desire your presence for a longer period, they will express themselves to that effect. It is safer always to take one week’s supply of linen, in view of such an expression from them. Of course these rules only apply to formal invitations between friends of long standing, but who have been more or less separated, or friends of late acknowledgment, or perhaps, in rare instances, mere acquaintances, and have nothing whatever to do with fast friendship, where it would be absolutely impossible to govern the parties in their manner of recognizing and accepting or regretting invitations, and their actions subsequent to their arrival at the place of visitation. Such an invitation is controlled generally by the mutual acquiescence and approval of the parties, and is too informal to be considered under the head of formal customs.

Therefore to adhere strictly to the essential rules for a formal visitor:

A gentleman should make it a rule to be punctual to the time set for his arrival, be it morning, afternoon, or evening. When expected in the morning for breakfast, and the place of visit is out of town, if he arrives at his destination earlier than to his knowledge the family are accustomed to rise, then he should occupy himself in some way till it is time to put in an appearance, that he may be received by the host or hostess at a reasonable hour. The first duty of a visitor is to be punctual to breakfast every morning during his stay; and more too, he should never fail to precede the host or hostess or both (only these), that he may be thus prepared to receive them with the usual morning salutation. As to dinner, lunch, or supper, punctuality is not considered, as, being in company with his entertainer, it would be hardly possible for him to be dilatory.

A gentleman should never wear a dressing gown or slippers outside of his room, when visiting or otherwise. He should never enter the dining-room till the host or hostess, or both, have preceded him. Table manners are the same in visiting as at dinners at home and the like.

After any meal be careful not to appear uneasy or dissatisfied with the proceedings of your entertainer; and do not, no matter how great a desire you may have, express opinions upon any arrangements, or suggest any occupation for the consumption of time, without first being asked for your advice or opinion; for very often the host or hostess is led into doing that which but for your request, and the fact of your being a visitor, they would never have thought of or desired to do; so be careful always to control your desire to make suggestions. Let your conversation, manners, and actions be ruled substantially as in calling. Never remain astir after the host or hostess, or both, have retired, but ascend to your own room coincidently with them and retire immediately. During a visit a gentleman should acquiesce in everything requested of him by host or hostess, unless his opinion is called for, when he should, in deciding between his entertainers and others, speak freely but impartially; but if possible always decline the honor of judge.

Do not appear at ease or at home beyond the unembarrassed exercise of a visitor’s duties, for such freedom may tend to cause dislike for you as presuming on your liberties.

A gentleman should not visit unless he be prepared, in case of emergencies, for a request from the hostess, if the host is absent, or from both if the host is himself incapable, to act the part of table-host; and to do this he must be thoroughly versed in the art of carving and serving the viands, and in other ways demeaning himself as is essential to hosts.

In fact, in going on a visit a gentleman should be proficient in its many requirements. Such rules as are here laid down will be sufficient, and will not fail in leading him safely through the minor branches of politeness.

FINIS.