Rogers-Isms, the Cowboy Philosopher on the Peace Conference

Part 1

ROGERS-ISMS

The Cowboy Philosopher on The Peace Conference

By WILL ROGERS

Frontispiece Portrait

NEW YORK: HARPER & BROTHERS: PUBLISHERS

ROGERS-ISMS: THE COWBOY PHILOSOPHER ON THE PEACE CONFERENCE

Copyright, 1919, by Harper & Brothers Printed in the United States of America Published May, 1919

The Cowboy Philosopher on The Peace Conference

In the Five times I have appeared before President Wilson I have used dozens of these same jokes, about him, And he has the best sense of humor and is the best audience I ever played too, Which bears out the theory I work on, That you can always joke about a big Man that is really big, But dont ever kid about the little fellow that thinks he is something, cause he will get sore Thats why hes little,

W. R.

ALIBI

There is no particular reason why I should horn in on you Public with a Book, But thats just when they seem to write them, When theres no need or reason for them,

The shorter white Paper gets the more careless these Pen Hounds get with it,

All my friends advise me to go ahead Will and write it cause you wont annoy people with it like these other Writers do with theirs, Nobody will read yours

When a Guy has never grazed educationally any further than McGuffeys fourth Reader his ravings aint liable to throw any jealous scare into Literary Circles,

Grammar and I get along like a Russian and a BathTub,

In fact Americans are getting to dote too much on Grammar and Good Manners, They say the most perfect English in this country is spoken in Sing Sing, And at the Federal Prison in Atlanta, They claim a Knife never touched a Lip, So you see where that junk leads you too,

I was going to write a Book on the War, But I heard some fellow had already done it,

In fact I figure that the fellow who dont write on the war will be a novelty, There is so many Books on the War that no two people will have to read the same Book.

Then the War was too serious a subject I could not write on it, But the Peace Feast, That seemed to offer a better field for Humor provided you stick to the facts,

I have some inside facts procured from the most reliable source, And as I dont want to see the World grow up in ignorance on this historical subject I would really feel selfish and mean too withold it,

Heres how I got it, There is a fellow I know, Who had a friend, And this friends Sister had a sweetheart and he was a Soldier in France and his cousins pal was a Bunkie of Col Houses Chouffer, The Col told his Chouffer So you see my information comes from the same place Pres Wilsons does,

So Here Goes Under The Bottom With THE FIRST PEACE BOOK,

THE PEACE CONFERENCE

Of course this whole Peace Conference talk started from the time Pres Wilson said to Germany "We wont deal with you as long as you occupy invaded Territory." Well the Kaiser come right back at him and said, "If you can show us how we can give it up any faster than we are I wish you would do it,"

Now the Armistace was signed, and Germany agreed to quit running at eleven oclock on a certain day,

Of course we got the word a couple of days before it was really signed, Making everybody have TWO DRUNKS where one would have done just as well,

It would have been signed on this first day But the German Generals whom they sent out to sign up, had never been to the front and dident know just where it was,

Part 2

The Kaiser was on the verge at one time of visiting the western front then he said, "No I will just wait a few days till it comes to me,"

Our Show was playing in Philadelphia when the first Armistace was signed, (The one the saloon men framed up) I was a bit leary of it all the time as I had been there once before when the Union League Club had paraded for a Mr Hughes, Then later they had to put the Parade back,

I HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED PHILA TO BE SLOW AND HERE IT WAS 2 DAYS AHEAD OF THE FACTS

At that time everybody wondered what to do with the Kaiser, I thought he should have been brought to this Country and made to clean the streets after that first Armistace day,

A funny thing the Armistace was signed about the time the returns of the last election come in. The Germans and the Democrats learned their fate on the same day,

When the war was over the Kaiser called his 6 sons to him and said, "Now boys we better duck Cause this war is over and you boys can get hurt Now,"

The thing that hurt the Kaiser worse than losing the war, Was that in all the Armistace terms they dident even mention his name,

Everybody commence talking about the Peace Conference and who was to go, Some Republican Senators went so far as to engage a lower birth,

There was so much argument about who was to go, That Pres Wilson says I tell you what, "We will split 50-50 I will go and you fellows can stay,"

At last we were going to get even with them for all their commissions coming over here,

You know for a while COMMISSIONS were coming so fast, That we were lucky to find a fellow who knew what Flag to put out each day,

We were meeting Servian Commissions with Romanian Flags,

Of course there were nations coming at that time who had not enough to support a flag, Thats why the commission were here to place a Flag Contract,

Now to get to my Peace trip, About three months are supposed to have elapsed between the last Paragraph and this one, All of which time was taken up by Congress talking, (see congressional Record) Finally Pres Wilson got tired listening to them and walked out on them,

If it had not been to get away from Congress, I have my doubts if he would have gone to Europe,

Now for the Number 2 Peace trip,

This Peace trip is not an original Idea, (It was originated by some obscure MANAFACTURER OF KNICK NACKS,) Name furnished at advertising rates,

Its always the same, the fellow who originates anything or starts something new is generally called a nut, The next fellow comes along takes his Idea improves on it and of course is a smart man,

Of Course this No 2 Company used better Judgement than the first one. This one waited till the war was over to Go,

This is the only case in Theatrical History where the No 2 Company was better than the original,

Of corse I claim this Manafacturer in some middle west town (I cant seem to recall that fellows name) made one mistake, There were people on his Boat that should never have had a return trip ticket,

Through Holland receiving them is where the Kaiser got his idea of going there,

Of course there was a lot of dissatisfaction against the Pres going, Mostly by people whom he did not take along,

I was in favor of his going because I thought it would give us a chance to find out who was Vice President, But it Dident,

I also felt confident that he was the only man that could explain the 14 points

We were especially lucky in having him represent us in England as he is the only one we could have sent that spoke good enough english that they could understand,

He would have taken a Senator but couldent find one that had a dress Suit

A congressman of course was out of the question He couldent have eaten off a 15 million dollar plate He would have starved to death looking at it,

Part 3

For awhile it looked like Mr Hughes would get to go, While the others were signing up he could have been investigating, his report would have been ready the day before the next election,

Also asked a manafacturer from some lake town (I cant think of that Birds name) But he said "No thank you one trip cured me"

The Sectry of Agriculture was named to go for a while, It was thought that if we were fortunate enough to be assigned any loose Islands at the meeting He could immediately advise what to plant thereby getting in a crop next year,

MR ROOT was named then some one happened to think of RUSSIA and that was off,

Wanted BRYAN to go but nobody knew where he was,

I wanted to go along as JESTER Pres Wilson will miss his comedy when he gets away from Congress,

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