Part 24

Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from want of candor. Men conceal their affairs, and expect their wives to act with great economy, without assigning any reason why such should be the case; but the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his income; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate her expenses. They ought then to consult together as to the sum that can be afforded for housekeeping, which should be rather below than above the mark. When this is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into her hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that is appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things to avoid interfering without absolute necessity. The home department belongs exclusively to the wife; the province of the husband is to rule the house--hers to regulate its internal movements. True it is, that some inexperienced young creatures know but little of household concerns. If this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. If too much money is laid out at first, give advice, kindly and firmly, and the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties.

No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary interference. If a man unhappily marries an incorrigible simpleton, or spendthrift, he cannot help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case. Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same; all things will then move together, well and harmoniously.

Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided by judicious conduct in the outset of life. Husbands should give their wives all confidence. They have intrusted to them their happiness, and should never suspect them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a disposition is manifested to do right, express your approbation. Be pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her, and avoid seeing small mistakes. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassments of her new condition, by ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the previous management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been alienated from her husband's family, and many an affectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her husband, and entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband on his part should always cordially receive and duly attend to her relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is often productive of unpleasant feelings.

Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who wishes to render his home happy, to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle, and to permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the region in which she presides. Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying; and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her home, it is generally her husband's fault. He may have neglected her happiness; but nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be not selfish, but complying, in small things. If your wife dislikes cigars--and few young women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco--leave off smoking; for it is, at best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your wife asks you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and go to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as you were wont when you sought her for a bride. The husband may say that he is tired, and does not like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, and no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what would really weary him. We, however, recommend a young man to practice somewhat of self-denial, and to remember that no one acts with a due regard to his own happiness who lays aside, when married, those gratifying attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which made her look forward with a bounding heart to become his companion through life.

Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic circle.

ON GENERAL SOCIETY.

To cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our ambition, but it is the dictate of humanity to render ourselves as agreeable as possible to those around us. While, therefore, we condemn that false system of philosophy which recommends the practice of flattery and deception for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom we come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and open conduct which is founded on moral principle, and which looks to the happiness of others, not through any sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which virtuous actions bestow. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity of duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. The virtues and the graces are not antagonistic. The sacrifice of personal convenience for the accommodation of others; the repression of our egotism and self-esteem; the occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or irksome to us through consideration for the infirmities of others, are not only some of the characteristics of true politeness, but are in the very spirit of benevolence, and, we might add, religion.

The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are introduced to a person of higher position in society than yourself, you must never recognize him when you meet, until you see whether he intends to notice you. The meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to nobody until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, which is simply refusing politeness in the name of politeness itself. There is a story of an unfortunate clerk of the Treasury, who dined one day at the Beef-steak Club, where he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with him at dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he saluted him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said: "May I know, sir, to whom I have the honor of speaking?" "Why, we dined together at the club yesterday--I am Mr. Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then," said the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, I wish you a good morning." Though this anecdote is related in the English books as an example of etiquette, it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, was the politest man of the two; for even if he had made a mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the duke been really a polite man he would have made the best of it, by returning the salutation, instead of the brutal mortification which he heaped upon the clerk of the Treasury. Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington, who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which caused his friend to ask if he "bowed to a negro." "To be sure I do; do you think that I would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness?" said Washington. This is the American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite to everybody--and if any one is too haughty and too ill-bred to return the salutation, with him alone rests the responsibility and the shame.

A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others. There is an old saying, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, cannot be stopped.

Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who herself plays.

Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively well-bred, tell one never to be "in a hurry." "To be in a hurry," say they, "is ill-bred." The dictum is absurd. It is sometimes necessary to be hurried. In the streets of the city one must hasten with the multitude. To walk or lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. Judgment requires us, not less than manners, to conform slightly with the behavior of those with whom we associate or are forced to remain.

Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid the exhibition of anxiety or vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not only keep your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your partner is decidedly ungentlemanly.

Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another man's house, nor constitute yourself master of the ceremonies, as you will thereby offend the host and hostess.

Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do not sit when she is standing, without offering her your place. Consult not only your own ease, but also the comfort of those around you.

Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the company toward her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let them see that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, there be something very important to communicate.

Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures, etc., should take off their hats on entering the room, and while showing them their seats. Having taken your seats remain quietly in them, and avoid, unless absolute necessity requires it, incommoding others by crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice. You thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you.

If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture, you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible.

To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to be taken off on entering. In this country, custom permits the wearing of bonnets; but as they are neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies should dispense with their use whenever they can.

Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be taken that they are well made and fit neatly.

If you would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their elders as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may be the better fitted to command in his turn.

Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the matter of children, how many are born every hour, each one almost as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.

Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of attainment, and is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we may enlarge upon a saying of Emerson's, by declaring that the world has never yet seen "a perfect gentleman."

It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of ladies, even though they are amiable enough to permit it. A gentleman, therefore, is not in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if there is nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife has good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her guests.

It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to excess. Such habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride themselves on their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially in the latter. These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The man who exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or later, be shunned by all except a few of his own stamp, and not even by them be respected. Guard against excess in all things, as neither gentlemanly nor human.

Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter, in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it could be checked in public by means of law.

Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or, worse than all, pick your nose in company; all these things are disgusting.

To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your skill may excite laughter, but will not insure respect.

A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to intrude them on others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject should never be introduced.