Book of Etiquette, Volume I

Volume I

ILLUSTRATED

NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC. GARDEN CITY NEW YORK 1924

COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES

PREFACE

Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake without the whipped cream. It has no flavor.

There are certain little courteous observances, certain social formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to live in.

In Italy, young men and women are considered ben educato, not when they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of convention--when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society. And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the outer personality?

Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he passed a lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim. Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite self-satisfied.

This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring glances of the people around us--as the peacock, in its vanity, parades before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously assumed. The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right without even stopping to think about it.

That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE--to give to the reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call savoir faire. It has been written, not for the exceedingly ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct--sincere men and women who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with those around them.

If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coarse, awkward and unrefined, substituting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable person--then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose.

Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose coöperation this book would never have been written.

Lillian Eichler.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER PAGE

PART I

I. INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 1

What is Etiquette?--Laws of Society--Control of the Impulses--Regard for the Rights of Others--The Danger of Intolerance--Why it Pays to Be Agreeable--The Simplest Culture.

II. ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 11

The Origin of Manners--The Manners of To-day--Good Society in America--The True Lady and Gentleman--The Secret of Social Success--What Manners Will Do for You--Etiquette's Reward.

III. ENGAGEMENTS 20

Of Special Importance--The Proposal--The Engagement Ring--Announcing the Engagement--The Most Usual Method--Announcing an Engagement in the Newspapers--Engagement Gifts--Bridal Showers--Length of the Engagement--Responsibility for the Wedding--Families and Friends.

IV. WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 31

The Wedding Invitation--Size and Material--Kinds of Envelopes-- Addressing the Envelopes--Invitations to Church Wedding--Invitation to Home Wedding--Wedding in a Friend's Home--When Cards are Enclosed --Invitations to Second Marriages--Invitation to Wedding Anniversary --Informal Wedding Invitation--Acknowledging the Formal Wedding Invitations--Whom to Invite--Sending the Invitations--Recalling the Wedding Invitation--Breaking an Engagement--Returning Gifts-- When Death Intervenes.

V. WEDDINGS 49

The Church Wedding--Attendants--The Bridesmaids--Rehearsals-- Regarding the Ushers--The Wedding Day--Arriving at the Church-- Wedding Music--The Wedding Procession--The Ceremony--Leaving the Altar--Rice, etc.--The Wedding Reception--The Wedding Breakfast-- The Wedding Present--Acknowledging Wedding Presents--The Home Wedding --The Second Wedding--Some Important Conventions--Seeking Advice-- Wedding Anniversaries--The Silver Wedding--The Reception--Tin and Wooden Weddings--The Golden Wedding--The Golden Wedding a Glorious Achievement.

VI. THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT 73

Origin of the Trousseau--The Trousseau of To-day--About the Linens --For the Bride--The Wedding Dress--The Bride's Veil--Wedding Flowers--Dress of the Maid of Honor--Marrying in Traveling Dress.

VII. FUNERALS 83

Funeral Customs--The Funeral of To-day--When Death Enters the Family--Taking Charge--Announcing the Death--Some Necessary Preparations--The Ladies of the Family--The Pall-Bearers--Duties of Pall-Bearers--The Church Funeral--Order of Precedence--The House Funeral--A Point of Importance--Removing Signs of Grief --Seclusion During Mourning--Dress at Funerals--Interment and Cremation--Mourning Dress--Mourning Dress for Men--Mourning Stationery.

VIII. CHRISTENINGS 104

Announcing the Birth of the Child--Responding to the Announcement-- Godparents--Invitations to a Christening--A Church Christening--The House Christening--After the Baptism--Gifts.

PART II

I. INTRODUCTIONS 113

Purpose of the Introduction--Creating Conversation--When to Introduce--Importance of Care--Special Introductions--When the Name Isn't Heard--The Correct Introduction--Group Introductions-- The Chance Introduction--Incomplete Introductions--Indirect Introductions--The Acknowledgment--Forms of Acknowledgment-- Future Recognition of Introduction--Introducing at Dinner-- Introducing at the Dance--Introducing at Receptions--Speaking without Introduction--Introducing Children--Cordiality in Introductions.

II. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 135

The Letter of Introduction--Presenting the Letter--Acknowledging a Letter of Introduction--Model Letters of Introduction--The Card of Introduction--Business Introductions.

III. CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS 142

The Beginning of Social Calls--When Calls are Made--The Proper Length of a Call--The Day at Home--Dress for Calls--Paying the First Call--Calls of Obligation--About Returning Calls--The Call of Condolence--The Call of Congratulations and Inquiry-- The Social Calls of Men--The Invalid's Call--Asking a New Acquaintance to Call--The Woman's Business Call--Receiving Calls--Duties of the Hostess--Receiving the Chance Caller-- When the Host is at Home--Taking Leave of the Hostess--The Evening Call--When Gentlemen Receive Callers--Making a Chance Call--Informal Calls.

IV. VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS 165

Your Card a Representative of You--General Rules Regarding Cards --Size of Cards for Women--Size and Material of Cards for Men-- Titles on Cards for Women--Cards for Widows--The Young Lady's Card--Indicating the Day at Home--The Married Couple's Card-- Using Jr. and Sr.--Titles on Cards for Men--Professional Cards for Men--Cards for Mourning--When the Woman Goes a-Calling--When More than One Card is Left--Some More Points About Calls and Cards--The Chance Call--Simple Card-Leaving--Should a Stranger Leave Cards?--Cards and Business Calls--When a Man Leaves Cards --The Man's Chance Call--About Leaving and Posting Cards--Leaving Cards of Inquiry--Acknowledging Cards of Inquiry and Condolence --Announcement Cards--When Traveling--P.P.C. Cards.

V. INVITATIONS 198

Some General Rules--Invitation to a Formal Dance--Accepting the Invitation--For the Informal Dance--The Dinner Dance--The Début Dance--Invitations for the Subscription Dance--Acknowledging Subscription Dance Invitations--Invitation to Public Ball-- Requesting an Invitation--The Dinner Invitation--In Honor of Celebrated Guests--The Acknowledgments--For the Informal Dinner --When the Dinner is Not at Home--The Daughter as Hostess-- Inviting a Stop-Gap--To Break a Dinner Engagement--Invitations for Luncheons--Acknowledging the Luncheon Invitation--The Informal Invitation--Reception Invitations--Reception in Honor of a Special Guest--Invitations to Garden Parties-- Acknowledging the Garden Party Invitation--House or Week-End Parties--The "Bread-and-Butter" Letter--Invitations to the Theater and Opera--Invitations to Musicales and Private Theatricals--Children's Party Invitations--Invitations to a Christening--A Word of Special Caution.

VI. CORRESPONDENCE 235

To-day and Yesterday--The Letter You Write--The Business Letter --Function of the Social Letter--The Etiquette of Stationery-- Letter and Note Paper--Crests and Monograms--Use of the Typewriter --Regarding the Salutation--Closing the Letter--Addressing the Envelope--Letter of Condolence--Acknowledging a Letter of Condolence--Etiquette of the Friendly Letter--The Child's Letter--Letters to Persons of Title.

VII. PARENTS AND CHILDREN 254

The Home--Appearance of the House--Dress--Dress for Children-- Children and Development--Know Your Children!--Imitation--The Child's Speech--At the Table--Playmates--Children's Parties-- Planning Surprises--Receiving the Young Guests--About the Birthday Party--When the Young Guests Leave--Children's Entertainments Away from Home--Children and Dancing--A Word to Parents--Amusements--Let the Child be Natural--The Young Girl--The Girl's Manner--The Chaperon--The Young Country Miss --The Girl and Her Mother--For the Shy and Self-Conscious-- Forget About Yourself--Why the Shy are Awkward--Self-Confidence Versus Conceit--Country Hospitality--Importance of Simplicity-- The Hostess--The Guest--For Country Folks--The Endless Round of Hospitality--When to Invite--The Guests and Their Duties-- Addressing Titled People.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

ON HER WEDDING DAY Frontispiece

PAGE

CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING 62

AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING 142

DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH 190

PART I

"The power of manners is incessant--an element as unconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius."

--From Emerson's Essays.

BOOK OF ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER I. Introduction to Etiquette

INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE

WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are gentlemen"--and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.

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