Part 3

“When you invite a person to dinner, or any other party at your house, specify only one day. Don’t say you will be glad to see him on either of two days, as Tuesday or Wednesday next. And why? Because this person may not wish to dine with or visit you at all; and so far from a choice of days being thought an act of kindness, it may be considered one of servility, if not rudeness. Always state only one day; and let the invitation, like the answer, be unequivocal.

“Invitations for several weeks in advance are almost as bad as invitations for alternate days; because long invitations convey the impression that the inviter is desperately ill off for guests, and wishes to insure a number at all risks. The person invited is also apt to feel that it is not his pleasure or convenience that is consulted; and to raise a feeling of this kind is anything but consistent with true politeness.

“The receiver of an invitation has a duty to perform as well as its giver. It is incumbent on him to say yes or no at once--not to allow a post or a day to elapse before answering. The reason is obvious: a delay on his part looks as if he were waiting for a better invitation before he made up his mind. Not to send a speedy reply, therefore, is one of the worst pieces of breeding of which a man can be guilty. It is also not using the inviter well; for a dinner-party usually consists only of a certain number, and if you cannot accept the invitation, say so, in order that time may be allowed to invite another person in your place. Let the answer also be distinct, no uncertainty is allowable; and if the invitation be accepted, let it be kept.

“The answer to an invitation should be directed to the lady of the house.”

An invitation may be refused, or you cannot have a will of your own; but the refusal should be couched in the kindest, briefest, and most polite terms.

JESTING.--Never make sport of the failings or peculiarities of another. Such things are common, but none the more admirable. If a joke is levelled at you, do not suffer your temper to get the worse of you, but join in the laugh good-temperedly, and the jester will be beaten by your good humour. Jests are not always vulgar, and are allowable with familiar friends, but never with strangers, and always without personality or ill feeling.

LADIES.--Some coxcombs pride themselves on their female acquaintance, and talk freely to their convivial friends of them. This is a detestable vice, and at once stamps a man as base and cowardly. Others affect a contempt for women, and treat them slightingly. Such conduct is at the least unmanly, and generally springs from a puffed-up conceit. Deference is due to woman in every station of society, and is a characteristic of the true gentleman.

LEAVING COMPANY.--French leave is the fashion now-a-days in good society, and we should hope will continue so. By this method you slip out, shake hands quietly and unobserved with the host and hostess, and the party goes on undisturbed; otherwise the movement of one is frequently the signal for the movement of another, and the party is broken up prematurely. I have seen, in homely assemblies, a sedate matron retire to dress, and re-appear with bonnet and shawl on to shake hands with the whole company. Nothing can be more vulgar, or detrimental to the life of a party, however unpretending its character.

LETTERS.--To answer letters promptly, explicitly, and briefly, is a duty incumbent on every person receiving one. I have known persons leave letters for weeks unanswered, with the consoling remark, “Ah! there’s So-and-so’s letter, I must answer that in a day or two.” What should we think if we spoke to a man and did not get a reply for a fortnight, and yet to delay answering a letter is as unbecoming. In addressing persons, be particular to assign them their proper rank, and make no difference in your mode of address, even if a quarrel takes place, unless the intimacy is formally broken off, when the “Dear Sir” must relapse into the “Sir” again. I have once or twice been annoyed by a person who had always addressed me “Dear Sir,” address me as “Sir,” after I had had a slight difference. I always knew then I had a paltry mind to deal with, and acted accordingly. Impertinent and insolent letters are best not answered. Of all things keep clear of a paper war; it is a conflict in which the gentleman is sure to be flogged out of you. Long letters are indulged in very much by the uncultivated, but brevity in writing is the rule for a gentleman. Invitations by letter should proceed from the lady of the house, and replies should be addressed to her in return. I would recommend adherence to this rule, even in little invitations to tea passing from one friend to another. They give wives their proper place and importance, and that is essential to decorum, comfort, and propriety.

MOURNING.--In calling on a friend who is in distress, put on a little mourning also, or at least go in no flashy attire. If your correspondent seals his letters with black, seal yours to him with black also.

MYSTERIOUSNESS.--Never be dark or mysterious. If propriety does not allow you to say a thing outright, do not allude to it at all. A gentleman always attends to those old but excellent mottoes, “Mind your own business,” and “A still tongue makes a wise head.”

PUNCTUALITY is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who does not keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of gentlemen, and will soon find himself shut out from it.

PUNNING is of late years very much indulged in. It is not altogether objectionable, but is liable to become so; for punsters, like mad dogs, when once started, run on till they are exhausted. Punning, too, is the lowest species of wit, and unless puns are most happily pointed, and free from all personal allusion, they are silly and contemptible. If you pun, do not laugh at your own joke.

PURSE-PRIDE is to be seen everywhere, and is always an evidence of weakness and vulgarity. Make no exhibition of your means; and if misfortune befal any of your friends, be still more careful not to display before them your superior fortune. Many a heart has been rankled by conduct of this sort, which prevails largely amongst the members of families.

QUARRELS are lowering to all the parties engaged in them, and usually terminate in the discomfiture of those who think they have the strongest side. If you feel you are in the right you are not justified in making the right ridiculous.

RIDICULE.--To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your skill may excite laughter, but will not insure respect.

RELIGION.--A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. Whatever your opinions on the subject, you are not to intrude them on others, perhaps to the shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject should never be introduced.

SULKINESS is not often indulged in by grown people, but we have seen lamentable instances of men, otherwise possessed of considerable sense, who would sulk for several weeks together, and during that time refrain from speaking a word to the most familiar acquaintance, and this, too, for some imaginary offence, or, if not imaginary, so trifling as to be unworthy of notice. Such conduct is childish in the extreme; it marks the first step in the dissolution of the mind, and, if much indulged, must lead at last to hypochondriasis, or perhaps to a drivelling and dolorous insanity. The picture of a sulky man is beyond the region of the pitiful, it is laughable; and we do laugh, in the same way as we should at the antics of a melancholy monkey. One who loves silence so much, and adopts it on such imaginary grounds, deserves to be sent for ever to Coventry, for in such a one’s society none are safe; the slightest word may renew the fit, and you are then at his bidding as a dog would be, to be spoken to and favoured when he pleases, conscious when you do speak that every word you utter is fraught with danger to his peace of mind. A morose man never has many friends, and runs the risk of dying in old age without even one.

SALUTATIONS should be suited to the parties saluted. It is a point much disputed upon whom the obligation of the first salute lies, when persons of different age or condition meet. The best rule is for the younger to salute the senior, as was the custom with the Romans. In meeting a lady there is no difficulty; the lady salutes first, or no recognition takes place. I have often been amazed by being stopped in the street, and held by the hand by a person of whom I had no recollection whatever, until he told me he had met me at such a place some months ago. In such a case a bow is all that is allowed, and this is always to be returned, whether you remember the person or not; but to halt, and insist on shaking hands, and entering upon some complimentary small-talk, is quite an error, unless the parties are on terms of actual acquaintance. And here I am reminded of the prevalence, at the present day, of protracted street salutations. You are suddenly met by an acquaintance who bears down upon you as the Chesapeake bore down upon the Shannon. You are seized as in a vice, and your hand held for several minutes. Then follow sundry questions about your health, when you saw Smith last, how Robinson’s wife is, what news is there from the Crimea, and, lastly, treated to some hackneyed remarks about the Parliament, or the weather. All this takes up valuable time, obstructs the causeway, and ends in annoyance. Why not shake hands heartily but briefly, exchange the compliments of “Good day,” with mutual inquiries after wives and families, and then part, each to attend to his own affairs, and each regarding his own business as too important to be put to the risk of damage by a quarter of an hour spent in twaddling on a kerb-stone, while the passers by jolt and thrust against you, and the vehicles cover you with splashes. The flabby shake of the hand in which some elderly persons indulge, holding your digits in a slow oscillation till the palms are moist, is very horrible, and by no means suggestive of hearty friendship, but it must be borne patiently, sometimes out of respect to age. When a person of my own age, however, treats me to one of these damp embraces, I do not hesitate to withdraw my hand if I can; and if he holds it too tight, and will not yield, I pinch him more tightly than he likes, and continue my grip till he breaks down.

Salutations should always be hearty, but softened by politeness; and in shaking hand with a lady, do not grasp the whole palm, as you do with your bosom friend, but let the fingers only meet, and be immediately withdrawn.

SLIGHTS are easily offered, and not so easily made amends for. Be careful how you treat sensitive persons, that they may not think themselves slighted, for no wound goes so deep as wounded pride.

SMALL-TALK.--Some persons think the small-talk of society very worthless and degrading, but so far from this being the case, it is most useful. You cannot expect persons to utter profound wisdom every time they speak, and small-talk serves to render persons in some degree acquainted and sociable before more important topics arise. Besides, good subjects arise out of small-talk; and conversation that begins in trifles frequently ends in matters of high profit.

SECRECY is essential to the polite man or woman, who do not repeat all they see and hear or know of people; but affectation of secrecy is a vulgarity, and never begets confidence.

SPITE AND REVENGE are poor instruments, as unchristian as they are morally degrading. No refined mind indulges in revengeful feelings. We should be above resenting an injury, but avoid the society of those who needlessly give offence. “Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”

SPITTING is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter, in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively amongst us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably a great pleasure to those accustomed to it, that it must not be condemned; yet the spitting associated with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it could be checked in public by means of law.

SURLINESS is far from the amiability and gentleness which true refinement teaches us. There is a vast deal of surliness to be encountered from puffed-up tradespeople and small professionals, but it is never the mark of mental polish.

VANITY.--Most of us are too vain; and I fear the gentle sex must be charged with somewhat of an excess in this particular. We are not to sneer at the vanity of others, and endeavour to mortify them therein, but first look to ourselves, that we are not equally vain in our own particular manner. A vain display is always an abject thing, and may be dispensed with profitably.

VULGARITIES.--We often have inward promptings of the vulgarity of our actions; there is a sort of instinctive propriety in all of us, and whenever we heed these monitions from within, we are pretty sure to be in the right. If you have a doubt at any time of the propriety of an action, let instinct guide you, and you are safe. I have observed that it is very common for persons to talk very loud when in conversation with foreigners, as if increase of noise would compensate for difficulties of mutual understanding. In omnibus and railway travelling there is a good deal of bawling, treading on toes, thrusting of elbows into sides, crushing, crowding, and running to and fro. In the midst of all this confusion the gentleman, punctual to time, walks with ease to his place, takes his seat without hurry or noise, and, in securing his own comfort, regards the comfort of others by a spirit of conciliating accommodation. The other day, while riding in an omnibus, I was much annoyed, as were others of the passengers, by two females (I regret I cannot say ladies), who sat with heads protruding from the windows, shouting and passing pleasantries to some acquaintance on the pathway. Rudeness of any kind on such occasions causes annoyance to all who witness it.