Blunders in Behaviour Corrected

Part 1

BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR

CORRECTED;

A Concise Code of Deportment for Both Sexes.

BY AN OBSERVER OF MEN AND THINGS.

“It is a man’s manners that make his fortune.”--CORNELIUS NEPOS.

LONDON: GROOMBRIDGE & SONS, 5, PATERNOSTER ROW.

1855.

INTRODUCTION.

Books on Etiquette generally confine their attention to the usages of exclusively fashionable life, and are useful only in forming the habits of youth, or those who, suddenly elevated to a status higher than their natural reach, wish to adapt themselves to a kind of society to which they are more frequently allured by vanity than sense; for there is nothing more really hollow than the life termed par-excellence FASHIONABLE. The middle ranks of life are acknowledged to be most tinctured with virtue, manliness, and religious feeling; for the vanities of wealth, and the debasements of poverty, are alike destructive of that uprightness of heart which civilization professes to insure. Not but that there are many estimable personages to be found in the highest walks of fashion and distinction; and many, aye, more than would be believed, who adorn the rugged paths of penury with the noblest examples of gentleness of manners and moral rectitude. Still, between these two extremes, what an enormous mass of individuals we find, who, immured in trade, hurried along in the anxieties of commercial life, find but few opportunities for the acquisition of the higher kinds of knowledge, and the refining usages which rob life of its harshness, and soften the heart in its communion with the world. Here we find the deficiencies of good-breeding mostly manifested; and here, too, the most laudable desire prevails for the attainment of those polishing touches which make us more congenial in our social intercourse, and which, by giving our better feelings their proper shape, by moulding our sentiments into elegance of expression, help us to resist all temptations to petty dealing, and even to check vice by making it unfashionable. Virtue and religion are not only compatible with elegance of manners, but are strengthened in their exercise by them; and every man who is not a misanthropist, every woman who is not a nun, must feel the necessity of attention to forms and usages, and to those elegancies of manner which characterize good-nature and uprightness of heart as much as they do a fashionable education. Politeness is as essential to the man of business as to the haunter of gaming-tables and west-end saloons; it is even more so to remove that reproach against trading influences in which the wealthy so often indulge. Good feeling is not improved by roughness of manner, nor is hospitality heightened by a negligent display. Friendship is more acceptable when its salutations and kindly offices are well-timed; and religion herself delights to be clothed in vestments of elegance and purity. Every man must account it a boon to enjoy admission to the best society, to mingle with those who, by learning, by polite accomplishments, and by the exercise of philanthropic and moral feelings, have lifted their lives out of the dull round of days and hours into a region of social sunshine; and none would willingly mar the perfection of such circles by carrying boorish manners into their midst, or destroy his enjoyment by the exhibition of an inaptitude to elegant society; nay, elegance should go with us to our homes; we should exercise politeness at the fireside to our wives, our husbands, our children, and our kindred generally, and not keep our good-manners exclusively as articles of exhibition to strangers. Many heart-burnings, many foolish indulgences in temper, many unkind words and deeds would thus be avoided; and while elegance of manner served frequently to check us in the pursuit of wrong, it would often prompt us to the culture of goodness, so long as we maintained that necessary distinction between the refinement of the heart and the mere outside show of feigned courtesy. Such hints as are offered here are intended to help in this direction, and are addressed to such as have not had the advantage of polite education and example in youth, and who may have formed their habits under adverse circumstances, and are not too vain of them to seek for improvement.

BLUNDERS IN BEHAVIOUR CORRECTED.

ABSENCE OF MIND.--Chesterfield, in his “Advice to his Son,” justly characterises an absent man as unfit for business or conversation. Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted in profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he should be attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in this, and I would implore every studious youth to forget that he is studious when he enters company. I have seen many a man, who would have made a bright character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of the company, sit by himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do hint, that abstractedness of manner should never be exhibited; the greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when it so behoved them.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS are by some considered too trifling for their attention, but no person desirous of the enjoyments of social life can spurn them without paying the penalty. Men of business are frequently denied the leisure necessary to render themselves moderately proficient in continental languages, music, dancing, and the arts of pleasing. Yet such things are essential, and add very much to our enjoyments; they tend to refine the nature, and form links of connection between persons of all ages, sexes, and dispositions. It is our duty to encourage everything of a refining nature, so long as we lose in the pursuit none of the solid excellencies of character; and, by a proper attention to such things, we insure for ourselves reception in quarters where we should be obnoxious without them. These acquisitions are equally important to both sexes, though those of the masculine gender are most guilty of the blunder of setting them at nought.

AFFECTATION is more prevalent than people care to own. Ladies are terribly given to this folly. One affects not to know the colour of money, unless it be pin-money, and then her wits are unusually sharp. Another is so fashionable in her tastes, that she thinks it elegant to take no interest in her husband’s affairs; so that whether he prosper or fail in life seems all the same to her. I know a lady who has lately adopted the affectation of ignorance--a strange kind of affectation certainly. If she should hear a remark from a scientific man, in explanation of some curious natural phenomenon, she will toss her head aside and, with a benign but unmeaning smile, say, “Indeed! I don’t understand such things.” We do not seek for blue-stockings, but really we cannot do without common sense; and the pride of ignorance, whether it be fashionable or not, must be looked upon as a blunder of tremendous import. The affectation of superior wisdom is equally objectionable. If a person tells you something you already know, you are not to inform him in the middle of his story that you know it already. It is a mark of a most vulgar mind to parade your knowledge on any occasion, or seek repute in society as a person of great attainments. Some ardent young students are apt to interlard their conversation with scientific terms and explanations, and with quotations innumerable from out-of-the-way books. Such things are well enough in moderation; but if not tempered as to time and place, stamp the individual as conceited. I knew a man who, in every respect but one, was a model of deportment and sound sense; but in the one blunder of which he was guilty he managed, on every possible occasion, to mar the esteem in which he was everywhere held. He was a profound chemist, and on all subjects ready and well informed, but he introduced chemistry into his conversation so frequently, and soared to such etherial heights in his theoretic speculations, that his presence was at last dreaded. The ladies looked at him in awe, the frivolous young men jeered and tittered, and he was known at last by the sobriquet of the “Oxygen Nuisance.” But though few persons carry their conceit so far as this, too many of us are weak enough to think that what we especially delight in must prove equally acceptable to all we meet; and affectation, in this respect, must be guarded against by all who desire to conduct themselves in society so as to be respected and esteemed.

Affectation of superiority is worse still, because it galls the feelings of those to whom it is offered. In company with an inferior, never let him feel his inferiority. An employer, who invites his confidential clerk to his house, should treat him in every way the same as his most distinguished guest. No reference to business should be made, and anything in the shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a word, the mode of reception, or otherwise, to advertise to the other guests, “This is my clerk,” or, “The person I now treat as a guest was yesterday labouring in my service;” but such a thing would lower the host more than it would annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high popularity, he was once invited by some puffed up lairds to dine, in order that they might have the gratification of hearing the poet sing one of his own songs. Burns was shown into the servants’ hall, and left to dine with the menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, and, a glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing one of his own songs. He immediately gave his entertainers that thrilling assertion of independence, “A man’s a man for a’ that,” and left the moment he had finished, his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so insulting to his poverty.

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