Part 11

Jist then the doin's took a turn, Though I'm ashamed to say it, We found that old Jim Lawson Wuz the only one could play it; But Jim, the poor old feller, Had one besettin' sin, A fondness fer hard cider Which he'd bin indulgin' in.

But he sot down at that organ, Planked his feet upon the pedals, And he showed us he could play it Though he hadn't any medals; He dwelt upon the treble And he flirted with the base, He almost made that organ Jump right out of its case.

Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head And in his fingers, too, So he played some dancin' music And old Yankee Doodle Doo; He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon And scared poor Sister Morgan, And jist busted up the meetin' At the unveilin' of the organ.

Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball

I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of foot ball they have in New York, so while I was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see a game of it, so went out to one of their city pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from what I could see of the game I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one feller and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it jist looked as though they wuz all trying to get a kick at him. They had a half back and a quarter back; I suppose when they got through with that feller he wuz a hump back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any foot ball in his'n.

I never played but one game of ball in my life that I kin remember on, and don't believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny, and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like to have you help us play a game of base ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help you play one game, I'll be durned if I don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases and bats put around in thar places, and a buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence corner, whar we could get a drink when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then I happened to look around and thar wuz the biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life. You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of the paster; I would hav got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through the fence. He didn't git me all the way through, cos I wuz half way through when he got thar; but he got the last half through. I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the only feller what had a score of the game; I couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly how the game stood.

They hav a good many new fangled games now, but when they git anything that can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it.

The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad

WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be right smart cityfied. I guess that's about the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt. I think that railroad runs across itself in one or two places; it runs past one station three times. It's so durned crooked they hav to burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall, the fust ingine they had on the Punkin Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery. It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot whissel, and every time they blowed the whissel the durned old ingine would stop.

Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're mighty proud of it; but we had an awful time a-gittin' it through. You see, most everybody give the right of way 'cept Ezra Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go through his medder field, and it seemed as though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most uncommonly busy like; so he went down to them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins, we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be we? Is it goin' right through here?" And they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed, "Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about plow up my medder field, won't ye?" They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes, sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge it wuz a-goin' right through my barn." They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry, but the railroad is a-goin' right through your barn."

Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a spell, and we all expected thar would be trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose the community of Punkin Centre needs a railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections to its goin' through, but I'm goin' to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin', you've got to git a man to cum down here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin' along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be too durned busy to run down here and open and shet them barn doors every time one of your pesky old trains wants to go through."

Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that is past all description. Which will make a hired man fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh on a Bicycle

A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra Hoskins' boy, he cum home from college and bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens hum with him, and I think ever since that time the whole town of Punkin Centre has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a bisickle to Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't ride one of them 'cause he's got a wooden leg; but he jist calculated if he could git it hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could cut more hay with it than any man in Punkin Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle.

Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin' bisickles now, and nothin' would do but I must learn how to ride one of them. Wall, I didn't think very favorably on it, but in order to keep peace in the family I told them I would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum. I wish you had bin thar when I commenced. I took that masheen by the horns and I led it out into the middle of the road, and I got on it sort of unconcerned like, and then I got off sort of unconcerned like. Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on that durned masheen and it jumped up in the front and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the middle, and shied and balked and jumped sideways, and carried on worse 'n a couple of steers the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed to hang on fer a spell, and then I went up in the air and cum down all over that bisickle. I fell on top of it and under it and on both sides of it; I fell in front of the front wheel and behind the hind wheel at the same time. Durned if I know how I done it but I did. I run my foot through the spokes, and put about a hundred and fifty punctures in a hedge fence, and skeered a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I done more different kinds of tumblin' than any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life, and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented. Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper, I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button and my standin' in the community. I broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the ten commandments, I broke my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got so excited he run his wooden leg through a knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; once is enough fer me. You kin all ride your durned old bisickles that want to, but fer my part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to sit down and walk. No more bisickles fer your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it, and your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do.

Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another way of gittin' it.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church

A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church, and before the baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin' we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them questions and answers in that Sunday school jist made me snicker right out loud. You see, old Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let me see what little boy can tell me who slew the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little red-headed feller down at the foot of the class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila." The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines, it wuz Sampson." Another little feller sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is the feller what done the job, at Santiague." The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin readin' too much about them war doin's in the papers. Now what little boy can tell me what is the first commandment?" And Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the meetin' house, whar I could have a good laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down thar in the fust place, or the second place, fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin' fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum over to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's you and me go down to the baptizin'." I sed, "What do you want to go down thar fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my house, and I want to go down thar and see if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the minister he had the hymn books to sell, and the minister sed he'd tell the congregation all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in the meetin' house and went to sleep; and then he went to snorin'; you could hear him clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin' through with his sermon, he sed, "Now all members of the congregation having babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized after the sermon is over, bring them up to the pulpit and I will baptize them." Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and he thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about his hymn books; so he stood up and sed, "Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece."

Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists mainly of doing right.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Reminiscence of My Railroad Days

Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa.

WALL, John, I read your poetry, And laughed till I nearly cried, Seein' how you became an engineer, And got on the right hand side. It made me think of the days gone by, When I wuz one of you fellers, too, What used to run an old machine, And go tootin' the country through. But the engine that I had then, John, Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;" She wuz old and worn and loggy, And jist chuck full of pranks; And she wuz wonderfully got up, John, Full of bolts and valves and knobs, And the boiler wouldn't hold water; Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs.

But I wuz younger then, John, And I didn't care a cuss; So I'd pull the throttle open And jist let her wheeze and fuss. The road that I wuz a-runnin' on Wuz out in the woolly west; Two streaks of rust and the right of way Wuz puttin' it at its best. So we sort of plugged along, John. And didn't put on any frills, Never thought of doin' anything But doublin' all the hills. I tell you those were rocky times, And we hadn't no air brake; And fifteen miles an hour, John, Wuz durn good time to make.

And thar wuz as good a lot of boys As you could meet with anywhere; Rough and ready open up, And always on the square. And I'd like to see them all again, And grasp each honest hand; But some of them, like me, have quit, Some have gone to another land. I have changed somewhat since then, John, Jist a little more steady grown; But I often think of my railroad days As the happiest ones I've known. And, John, I often watch the train. As they go whizzing by; As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack, Thar's a tear comes in my eye.

Perhaps you'd like to know, John, Just why I quit the rail, And as some feller one time sed, "Thereby hangs a tale." I wuz goin' along one night, John, At a purty lively rate, The old machine a-doin' her best, And me forty minutes late, When all at once there came a crash, I felt the old track yield, And fireman, machine and I Went into a farmer's field. There's little more to say, John, They laid me up for repairs, But my fireman, poor fellow, Hadn't time to say his prayers.

So now you have my story, John; Still, you don't know how it feels To know you've got to plug around On a couple of flat wheels. But it doesn't bother me, John, Gosh, not fer a minnit; I'm as happy as the day is long, And feel jist strictly in it. But sometimes I like to meet the boys, And talk them days all over, And I feel as gay and chipper As a calf in a field of clover But the happiest days I've known, John, The ones that to me see best, Wuz when I run an old machine Way out in the woolly west.

Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh at a Circus