Part 30

I had no sooner began to recall to my mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, my wearisomeness in all good things, and my want of love to God, his ways, and his people, with this at the end of all: "Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these the tokens of a blessed man?" Now, I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but, as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, "Ye are justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Jesus Christ." But Oh, what a turn it made upon me.

Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus spoken to me: "Sinner, thou thinkest that, because of thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold, my Son is by me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with him." At this I was greatly enlightened in my mind, and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but his looking upon Christ, and imputing his benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, "Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us." Now was I got on high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now I cried, "Let me die;" now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw we should never live indeed till we reach the other world. Oh, methought, this life is but a slumber, in comparison of that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, "heirs of God," than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. HEIRS OF GOD! God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

Sometimes I have been so loaded with my sins, that I could not tell where to rest nor what to do; and at such times I thought it would have taken away my senses; but God, through grace, hath so effectually applied the atonement of Jesus to my poor wounded, guilty conscience, and I have found such a sweet, solid, sober, heart-comforting peace, that it hath made me rejoice exceedingly; and I have for a time been in a strait and trouble, that I should love and honor him no more, the virtue of whose blood hath so comforted my soul.

My sins have at times appeared so great, that I have thought one of them as heinous as all the sins of all the men in the world. Reader, these things are not fancies, for I have smarted for this experience; yet the least believing view of the blood of Jesus hath made my guilt vanish to my astonishment, and delivered me into sweet and heavenly peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.

Sometimes when my heart hath been hard, slothful, blind, and senseless--which are sad frames for a poor Christian--then hath the precious blood of Christ softened, enlivened, quickened, and enlightened my soul.

When I have been loaded with sin and harassed with temptations, I had a trial of the virtue of Christ's blood, with a trial of the virtue of other things; and I have found that when tears, prayers, repentings, and all other things could not reach my heart, one shining of the virtue of his blood hath in a very blessed manner delivered me. It hath come with such life and power, with such irresistible and marvellous glory, as to wipe off all the slurs, silence all the outcries, and quench all the fiery darts and flames of hell-fire, that are begotten by the charges of the law, Satan, and doubtful remembrances of a sinful life.

SIN AND THE SAVIOUR.

Saints are sweetly sensible that the sense of sin and the assurance of pardon will make famous work in their poor hearts. Ah, what meltings without guilt; what humility without casting down; and what a sight of the creature's nothingness, yet without fear, will this sense of sin work in the soul. The sweetest frame, the most heart-endearing frame that possibly a Christian can get into while in this world, is to have a warm sight of sin and of a Saviour upon the heart at one time. Now it weeps not for fear and through torment, but by virtue of constraining grace and mercy, and is at this very time so far off of disquietness of heart by reason of the sight of its wickedness, that it is driven into an ecstasy by reason of the love and mercy that is mingled with the sense of sin in the soul. The heart never sees so much of the power of mercy as now, nor of the virtue, value, and excellency of Christ in all his offices, as now; and the tongue is never so sweetly enlarged to proclaim and cry up grace as now: now will Christ come to be glorified in his saints and admired in them that believe.

Dost thou see in thee all manner of wickedness? The best way that I can direct a soul in such a case, is to place a steadfast eye on Him that is full, and so to look to him by faith as that thereby thou mayest draw his fulness into thy heart.

The best saints are most sensible of their sins, and most apt to make mountains of their molehills.

THE CHRISTIAN IN DARKNESS.

I know it is dreadful walking in darkness; but if that should be the Lord's lot upon me, I pray God I may have faith enough to stay upon him till death; and then will the clouds blow over, and I shall see him in the light of the living.

THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH.

Then they went on again, and their conductor did go before them, till they came to a place where was cast up a pit the whole breadth of the way; and before they could be prepared to go over that, a great mist and a darkness fell upon them so that they could not see. Then said the pilgrims, "Alas, what now shall we do?" But their guide made answer, "Fear not; stand still, and see what an end will be put to this also." So they staid there, because their path was marred. Then they also thought they did hear more apparently the noise and rushing of the enemies; the fire also and smoke of the pit was much easier to be discerned. Then said Christiana to Mercy, "Now I see what my poor husband went through; I have heard much of this place, but I never was here before now. Poor man! he went here all alone in the night; he had night almost quite through the way; also these fiends were busy about him, as if they would have torn him in pieces. Many have spoke of it, but none can tell what the Valley of the Shadow of Death should mean until they come in themselves. The 'heart knoweth its own bitterness; a stranger intermeddleth not with its joy.' To be here is a fearful thing."

"This," said Mr. Greatheart, "is like doing business in great waters, or like going down into the deep; this is like being in the heart of the sea, and like going down to the bottom of the mountains; now it seems as if the earth with its bars were about us for ever. But let them that walk in darkness and have no light, trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon their God. For my part, I have often gone through this valley, and have been much harder put to it than now I am; and yet you see I am alive. I would not boast, for that I am not my own saviour; but I trust we shall have a good deliverance. Come, let us pray for light to Him that can lighten our darkness, and can rebuke not only these, but all the devils in hell." So they cried and prayed, and God sent light and deliverance.

THE CHRISTIAN DOUBTING.

It is a rare thing for some Christians to see their graces, but a thing very common for such to see their sins, yea, and to feel them too in their lusts and desires, to the shaking of their souls.

QUESTION. But since I have lusts and desires both ways, how shall I know to which my soul adheres?

ANSWER. This may be known thus:

1. Which wouldest thou have prevail; the desires of the flesh, or the lusts of the spirit? Whose side art thou of? Doth thy soul now inwardly say, and that with a strong indignation, "Oh, let God, let grace, let my desires that are good, prevail against my flesh, for Jesus Christ's sake?"

2. What kind of secret wishes hast thou in thy soul, when thou feelest the lusts of thy flesh to rage? Dost thou not inwardly, and with indignation against sin, say, "O that I might never, never feel one such motion more. O that my soul were so full of grace, that there might be no longer room for even the least lust to come into my thoughts?"

3. What kind of thoughts hast thou of thyself, now thou seest those desires of thine that are good so briskly opposed by those that are bad? Dost thou not say, "Oh, I am the basest of creatures; I could even spew at myself. There is no man in all the world, in my eyes, so loathsome as myself is. I abhor myself; a toad is not so vile as I am. O Lord, let me be any thing but a sinner; any thing, so thou subduest mine iniquities for me?"

4. How dost thou like the discovery of that which thou thinkest is grace in other men! Dost thou not cry out, "Oh, I bless them in my heart! Oh, methinks grace is the greatest beauty in the world! Yea, I could be content to live and die with those people that have the grace of God in their souls. A hundred times, and a hundred when I have been upon my knees before God, I have desired, were it the will of God, that I might be in their condition?"

5. How art thou, when thou thinkest that thou thyself hast grace? "Oh, then," says the soul, "I am as if I could leap out of myself; joy, joy, joy then is in my heart. It is, methinks, the greatest mercy under heaven to be made a gracious man."

And is it thus with thy soul indeed? Happy man! It is grace that has thy soul, though sin at present works in thy flesh. Yea, all those breathings are the very actings of grace, even of the grace of desire, of love, of humility, and of the fear of God within thee. Be of good courage; thou art on the right side.

"I find," says the doubting Christian, "weakness and faintness as to my graces; my faith, my hope, my love and desires to these and all other Christian duties, are weak: I am like the man in the dream, that would have run, but could not; that would have fought, but could not, and that would have fled, but could not."

ANSWER. Weak graces are graces--weak graces may grow stronger; but if the iron be blunt, put to the more strength. Eccles. 10:10. Christ seems to be most tender of the weak: "He shall gather lambs with his arm, shall carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead them that are with young." Only here thy wisdom will be manifested, to wit, that thou grow in grace, and that thou use lawfully and diligently the means to do it. 2 Pet. 3:18; Phil. 3:10, 11; I Thess. 3:11-13.