The Real Cyberpunk Fakebook

Chapter 16/ Cyberpunk Lifestyle Hints

/Trends, Faves and Hates/

+ Interior Decorating Tips and Stylin Furnishings, Amusing Potted Plants, Stickers, Posters and Logos + What to Put on Top of Your Computer Monitor and Why + Nerd Comic Strips + Haqr Basic Diet, Stunt Foods & Intimidating Soft Drinks + Music That Doesn't Suck + Squeaky/Cuddly Toys With Really Good Rationalizations + Rubik's Hypercubes or Rubik's Dodecahedrons or Rubik's Other Strange Shapes and Hi-Tech Intellectual Adult Transformers In the Shape of Interlocked Rings, Chains, Blocks, Helices, and Platonic Solids That Shapeshift into Other Configurations of Rings, Chains, Etc Etc But Only If You Do Them Exactly Right, Which Is Very Difficult Or Impossible, but Which Gather Dust, Take Up Lots of Room On Your Monitor, and Taunt and Sneer at You Every Time You Look at Them.

****************************************************** ***** SECTION V: CYBERPUNK... THE INNER SCENE ***** ******************************************************

Chapter 17/ Cyberpunk Secrets Revealed!

(Yes, Just as We Promised-- REVEALED!)

+ Why Cyberpunks Seldom Have Their Organs Pierced + The Real Reason Why Cyberpunks Need to Encrypt Their Email + What Cyberpunks Are Doing at 3 AM in That Dumpster + Why Cyberpunks Avoid Altered States + Coping With Neurotoxins + Why Some Cyberpunks Love Star Trek Even Though It Sucks, + When Cyberpunks Always Diss What is Lame and Useless + What Cyberpunks Actually Admire, and Why + Secret Cyberpunk Handshaking, Signals and Head Motions

Chapter 18/ Cyberpunk: the Inner Game

/The Tao of Punk; The Secret Dancing Masters of Cyber; And Everything You Wanted to Know About Cyber But Were Too Lame To Ask/

+ The Hidden Hierarchy of Cyberpunk Revealed, from Bottom to Top

Chapter 19/ Cyberpunk: the Parental-Discretion Special

/Sects and Politics... and Recipes/

+ Disclaimer and Waiving of All Rights + Declaration of Age >> 21 and An Anti-Suicide Pact

******************************************************** *****SECTION VI: CYBERPUNK... ARE YOU CYBER ENOUGH?***** ********************************************************

Chapter 20/ It *is* an Intelligence Test!

/Cyberpunk Skull-Tweakers and Fun Fare/

+ The All-Cyber Cryptic Crossword Puzzle + Name That Nym! + Three-Letter-Acronyms From H.E.C.K. Cryptic Crossword Puzzles, Twisters and Max Headroom Memorial Rebuses

Chapters 21/ 22/, and Of Course 23/ BOTTOM LINE TIME /Making It or Faking It/

A Cyberpunk Review to Prepare you, and then

*****************THE FINAL EXAM ***************** It's Not True/False, We Don't Grade on the Curve, Stop Sniveling. ...................................................... ***** THE OFFICIAL CYBERPUNK HIPNESS CHECKLIST ***** You Won't Like This Either But It's for Your Own Good, Punk.

...................................................... ...................................................... ...................................................... ................-..That Is All..-..................... ......................................................

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APPENDIX A: Cyberpunk Valorized: Careers Under Deconstruction

The Semiosis of Black Leather, Chrome, Mirrorshades and Modems

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

APPENDIX B: ASCII Charts

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ...................................................... ...................................................... ...................................................... ......................................................

Now, Welcome to.the Text..............................

****************************************************** ****************************************************** ****************************************************** ***** ***** THE ***** ***** REAL ***** ***** CYBERPUNK ***** ***** FAKEBOOK ***** ***** ***** ***** By St. Jude, R.U.Sirius, and Bart Nagel ***** ****************************************************** ****************************************************** ******************************************************

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + SECTION I: + + CYBERPUNK...WHY?? + + Okay... HOW??? + + + ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Chapter 1:

CYBERPUNK: A CHALLENGING POSTMODERN LIFESTYLE CHOICE Why Bother? Big Wins! (and Unexpected Smallstuff) ======================================================

Cyberpunk is extremely hip. Being extremely hip is the last hope for people with no money and no power. Being hip gets you big wins in the status game. Hipness can crush your enemies and attract the apposite sex. Best of all, cyberpunk is the next big thing AFTER the next big thing. You can hop on the cyberpunk bandwagon and coast for a long, long time. Think of the money you'll save on wardrobe updates! The worry you'll save on lifestyle decisions!

Cyberpunk has not yet been co-opted. In fact, this handbook is the very first exploitation of this hip new underground trend. This is the ground floor. Get in on it!

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Chapter 2: Achieving Cyberpunk

Being It or Faking It ======================================================

What is there to know about being a cyberpunk? Leather jacket, mirrorshades-- that just about does it, right? This kind of patronizing shirt must farking DIE.*

*Since we can't afford to offend any parental units who might *purchase this book for their family circle, all chancy verbs *and nouns have been cleverly encyphered. This is in the *spirit of true cyberpunkhood, see <<Encryption>>.

You think cyberpunk is just a leather jacket, some chrome studs, and fully reflective sunglasses? You think that's all there is? Hah! You can find those on Kansas City bikers and the whole California Highway Patrol. The true cyberpunk might tuck a *cellular-modem laptop* under a spiked leather arm, and a *laser pointer* in the upper zip pocket. Or, a true cyberpunk may look just like YOU. But sHe** who knows doesn't tell, and **hirm who tells doesn't know.

**Pronoun disclaimer: **All pronouns in this book started life as intact males-- **he, his, and him. If anything bad happened to them **afterwards, blame it on the Riot Grrrls Bobbitt Squad.

The lifestyle and goals of the true cyberpunk are carefully guarded secrets in a life *totally devoted* to coolness and secrecy. We will PIERCE THE VEIL, and REVEAL those SECRETS. We will display for you the INNER CYBERPUNK. We will give you everything you need to know about embarking on this challenging lifestyle. When you have read to the end of this EASY handbook, if you DON'T pass the hipness quiz... well, just read it again. But turn your TV up louder.

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Chapter 3: a Style Guide to the Cybertypes

Recognizing Them and Fitting In ======================================================

While a cyberpunk is commonly a middleclass white male with way too many electrons, there are varieties of cyberpunk. Underlying all the types and genres is Basic Cyber Style, which breaks down to physical gear and mental attitude:

--->Basic Cyberpunk Gear is simple. Black leather jacket. Boots. Mirrorshades. Laser pointer. (We don't know why all cyberpunks need a laser pointer, but it's mandatory.) We'll give you a more elaborate guide to basic cyberpunk gear. Later.

--->The Basic Cyberpunk Attitude is quiet assurance. Subdued swashbuckling. Maybe a little menace.

With these cyberpunk basics you can navigate through all the sub-genres. But if you want to pass as a native in a particular cyber sub-scene without getting jeered at or beaten up, you gotta accessorize, and pay close attention to detail.

>>>>Motorpsycho Maniacs Cyberbikers pack the mystique of both worlds-- high tech, and big greasy loud engines. Standard cyberpunk costume is ideal for riding motorcycles, and a mirrorshades helmet is a big plus for the cyber look-- mega robotic coolness. Motorcycles are dangerous and can kill you. This is also cool.

>>>>Goths, Deathcore, and Vampire-Wannabes Ideally, for this sub-scene, you should know about The Cure, which is a band. To fit in, grow your hair big and dye it blueblack. Spray it with <<Aquanet White>> to make it stick out, medusa-like. Go to a kidshop and buy plastic fangs. (The kind that glow in the dark are funny. Funny is NOT the object here.) All sexes should wear a Victorian shirt-- blouse-- white or black only--- that gapes to show flesh. You must practice looking tormented, tall and thin. The ideal is chalk-white face makeup with blueblack eyesockets. Blueblack makeup with white eyesockets is untested, but might work very well, if you avoid a minstrel look. At all times think intensity and torment. Torment...and ironic bitterness. No giggling or snickering, no kidding.

>>>>Riot Grrrls! These are fierce girls who like tech. This is a sexist category, but there we are: girls only. A grrrl can be called "d00d" and "guy" at all times, but a non-female guy is not a grrrl. This is just the way things are. If you're a grrrl, you can wear anything you want to, because you're there to defend it. This is true for anybody, really-- look as tough as you wanta be, and be ready to back it up. Fierce is good. Grrrls with tech expertise are irresistible. NOTHING is more attractive than a fierce, blazing, ninja-type grrrl right now, and if she knows UNIX or phone-freeking, the world is hers. Hrrrs.

>>>>Technopagans/Ravers/Neohippies Don't worry about this one. This scene is free, loving, noncomforming, spontaneous. You can dress any old way and fit right in... Unless you don't look cool.

Maybe you should stick to basic cyberpunk. Dancing in leather is hot as h*ck, but sweating is better than not looking cool. Non-cyber ravers favor floppy hats, five kinds of plaid 'n' paisley, and multiple organ piercings. They sometimes take raver drugs. These drugs make you fonder of other people than you really want to be. (The morning- after Revulsion hangovers can be nasty.) In this scene, pretending to be on raver drugs is recommended, and easy, too. Unfocus your eyes and smile lovingly. In black leather you won't have to worry so much about getting hugged.

>>>>Academic Cyber-Wannabes Students, teachers, whatever, dress down. Like you're always en route to a garage sale...maybe to donate what you're wearing. Casual. Jeans, black leather jacket, laser pointer. No tweed, notice, and no Birkenshtocken. If you flash paperbacks by Arthur Kroker, Paul Virilio and Jean Baudrillard, it means you're serious. Paperbacks by Mark Leyner and Kathy Acker means you're *way past* serious.

>>>>Cybercowboys/grrrls Some of these people come from Texas or Oklahoma. In this crew, to yr cyberbasics you add a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and grow any hair you've got really LONG. Males should try to get hair somewhere on their faces.

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