Part 7

“Miss Brown,--You must stop teach my Lizzie fisical torture. She needs reading and figgers more an that. If I want her to do jumpin I kin make her jump.”

“Please let Willie home at 3 o’clock. I take him out for a little pleasure, to see his father’s grave.”

“Dear Teecher,--Please excuse John for staying home--he had the meesels to oblige his father.”

“Dear Miss----, Please excuse my boy scratching hisself, he’s got a new flannel shirt on.”

“A country schoolmaster received from a small boy a slip of paper which was supposed to contain an excuse for the non-attendance of the boy’s brother. He examined the paper, and saw thereon:

“Kepatomtogoataturing.”

Unable to understand, the small boy explained to the master that his big brother had been “kept at home to go taturing”--that is, to dig potatoes.

“Tommy,” said the school teacher, “you must get your father to give you an excuse the next time you stay away from school.”

“That’s no use, teacher. Dad’s no good at making excuses; mother bowls him out every time.”

HARVESTING.

14. A and B engage to reap a field for 90s. A could reap it in 9 days by himself; they promised to complete it in five days; they found, however, that they were obliged to call in C (an inferior workman) to assist them the last two days, in consequence of which B received 3s. 9d. less than he otherwise would have done. In what time could B and C reap the field alone?

15. A man has a triangular block of land, the largest side being 136 chains, and each of the other sides 68 chains. What is the value of the grass on it, at the rate of £2 an acre?

A school inspector in the North of Ireland was once examining a geography class, and asked the question:

“What is a lake?”

He was much amused when a little fellow, evidently a true gem of the emerald isle, answered: “It’s a hole in a can, sur.”

CANVASSER--“I’ve got some signs that I’m selling to shopkeepers all day long. Everybody buys ’em. Here’s one--“If You Don’t See What You Want, Ask For It.”

COUNTRY SHOPKEEPER--“Think I want to be bothered with people asking for things I ain’t got. Give me one reading “Ef Yeh Don’t See What Yeh Want, Ask Fer Something Else.”

16. The number of soldiers placed at a review is such that they could be formed into 4 hollow squares, each 4 deep, and contain 24 men in the front rank more than when formed into a solid square. Find the whole number.

In the counting-house of an Irishman the following notice is exhibited in a conspicuous place: “Persons having no business in this office will please get it done as soon as possible and leave.”

17.

Upon a piece of cardboard draw The three designs you see-- I should have said of each shape four-- Which when cut out will be, If joined correctly, that which you Are striving to unfold-- An octagon, familiar to My friends both young and old.

“I was induced to-day, by the importunity of your traveller,” wrote an up-country store-keeper to a Brisbane firm, “to give him an order; but, as I did it merely to get rid of him in a civil manner, and to prevent my losing any more time, I must ask you to cancel the same.”

A CATCH IN EUCHRE.

18. What card in the game of euchre is always trumps and yet never turned up? This often puzzles many.

RELIGIOUS RECKONING.--(THE NEW JERUSALEM.)

Revelations xxi. (15)--“And he that talked with me had a golden rule to measure the city and the gates thereof and the wall thereof;

(16) “And the city lieth four square, and the length is as large as the breadth, and he measured the city with the reed twelve thousand furlongs. The length and the breadth and the height of it are equal.”

12,000 furlongs = 7,920,000 feet, which cubed = 496793088000000000000 cubic feet; half of this we will reserve for the Throne and Court of Heaven, and half the balance for streets, &c., leaving a remainder of 124198272000000000000 cubic feet. Divide this by 4096 (the cubic feet in a room 16 feet square) and there will be 3032184375 000000 rooms. Suppose that the world always did and always will contain 990,000,000 inhabitants, and that a generation lasts 33⅓ years, making in all 2,970,000,000 every century, and that the world will stand 100,000 years, totalling 2,970,000,000,000 inhabitants; then suppose there were 100 worlds equal to this in number of inhabitants and duration of years, making a total of 297,000,000,000,000 persons. There would then be more than 100 rooms 16 feet square for each person.