Part 10

“Wrong,” said the teacher, severely. “Next girl.”

“A noun,” put in a demure maiden.

“What kind of a noun?” continued the teacher.

“Well--er--it is both common and proper,” answered the shy girl, and she was promoted to the head of the class.

“QUICK.”

TEACHER (to class)--“What is velocity?”

BRIGHT YOUTH--“Velocity is what a person puts a hot plate down with.”

OFFICE RULES.

I. Gentlemen entering this Office will please leave the door wide open.

II. Those having no business will please call often, remain as long as possible, take a chair, make themselves comfortable, and gossip with the Clerks.

III. Gentlemen are requested to smoke, and expectorate on the floor, especially during Office Hours; Cigars and Newspapers supplied.

IV. The Money in this Office is not intended for business purposes--by no means--it is solely to lend. Please note this.

V. A Supply of Cash is always provided to Cash Cheques for all comers, and relieve Bank Clerks of their legitimate duties. Stamped cheque forms given gratis.

VI. Talk loud and whistle, especially when we are engaged; if this has not the desired effect, sing.

VII. The Clerks receive visits from their friends and their relatives; please don’t interrupt them with business matters when so engaged.

VIII. Gentlemen will please examine our letters, and jot down the Names and Addresses of our Customers, particularly if they are in the same profession.

IX. As we are always glad to see old friends, it will be particularly refreshing to receive visits and renewal of orders from any former Customer who has passed through the Bankruptcy Court, and paid us not more than Sixpence in the Pound. A WARM welcome may be relied on.

X. Having no occupation for our Office Boy, he is entirely at the service of callers.

XI. Our Telephone is always at the disposal of anyone desirous of using it.

XII. The following are kept at this Office for Public Convenience:-- A Stock of Umbrellas (silk), all the Local Newspapers, Railway Time Tables, and other Guides and Directories; also a supply of Note Paper, Envelopes, and Stamps.

XIII. Should you find our principals engaged, do not hesitate to interrupt them. No business can possibly be of greater importance than yours.

XIV. If you have the opportunity of overhearing any conversation, do not hesitate to listen. You may gain information which may be useful in the event of disputes arising.

XV. In case you wish to inspect our premises, kindly do so during wet weather, and carry your umbrella with you. We admire the effect on the floor; it gives an air of comfort to the establishment. (The Umbrella Stand is only for ornament, and on no account to be used).

P.S.--Our hours for listening to Commercial Travellers, Beggars, Hawkers, and Advertising Men are all day. We attend to our Business at Night only.

A NEW WAY OF PUTTING IT.

“Dirty days hath September, April, June and November; From January up to May, The rain it raineth every day. All the rest have thirty-one, Without a blessed gleam of sun; And if any of them had two and thirty, They’d be just as wet and twice as dirty.”

Does the top of a carriage wheel move faster than the bottom? This question seems absurd. That the top moves faster, however, is perfectly correct; for if not it would simply move round in the same place: in a wheel on a fixed axle the bottom moves backward as fast as the top moves forward; but in a wheel that is going forward, drawn by a progressive axle, the bottom does not go back at all, but remains almost stationary until it is its turn to rise and go forward.

37. A General, arranging his army in a solid square, finds he has 284 men to spare, but on increasing the sides of the square by one man, he wants 25 men to complete the square. How many men has he?