SECTION I.. _of Formal and Vulgar Usages._

Of Formal and Vulgar Usages.

In the first rank of customary formalities, we place those concerning information about the health. We shall, necessarily, have little to say on this head; there are, however, some little rules which are not to be neglected.

It is proper to vary the phraseology of these formal questions, as much as possible; and we must abstain from them entirely, towards a superior, or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, for such inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. In the last case, there is a method of manifesting our interest, without violating etiquette; it consists in making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other persons of the house, and of saying afterwards when introduced; 'I am happy Sir, to hear that you are in good health.'

Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he is ill or very aged. To put a corrective upon this mark of regard, a lady who addresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inquiries of the health of his family, however little intimacy she may have with them. Many persons ask this question mechanically, without waiting for the answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have received it. This is in bad ton. Inquiries about the health, it is true, are frequently unimportant, but they should appear to be dictated by attention and kindness. We must not however be deceived, but be careful not to mention a slight indisposition to persons who are strangers to us, because their interest can be only formal.

After we are informed of the health of the person we are visiting, it is proper to inquire of them in relation to the health of their families; but it would be wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of the members who compose the family. We can put a general question, designating the most important members. In case of the absence of near relations, we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard from them lately, if the news is favorable. They, on their part, ask the same of us.

When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at the time of taking leave, you are commonly desired to give the compliments and salutations of the persons you are visiting to those with whom you live, then you should reply briefly, but give them assurances of your regard, and thank them.

Politeness infuses into visits of some little ceremony, a coloring of modesty, grace, and deference, which should be preserved with the greatest care.

In speaking, it is always proper to give the name of Sir, Madam, or Miss, and if the sentence is somewhat long, the title ought to be repeated. If the question is with regard to answering in the affirmative or negative, we ought never to say roughly yes or no.

If the person addressed has a title, or that which he has from his profession, we should give it him, as Count, Doctor, &c. In case we meet with many persons of the same profession, we can then distinguish them, adding their name to the title.

A lady will not say, my husband, except among intimates; in every other case, she should address him by his name, calling him Mr. It is equally good ton that except on occasions of ceremony, and while she is quite young, to designate him by his christian name.

But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady to whom he is married, he should not say your wife, unless he is intimately acquainted, but Mrs. such-a-one, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in this respect, are the same in speaking of the husband.

When we speak of ourself and another person, whether he is absent or present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should say he and I, you and I.

When you relate a personal occurrence, the circumstances connected with which are honorable to yourself, and a distinguished person had also a share in the honor, you should only mention him, and instead of the plural form, we resolved, we did such a thing, you should forget yourself, and say, Mr. N. resolved, or did such a thing so and so. Delicacy will dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your superior in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, your merit on the occasion.

We know that the word false is not to be found in the dictionary of politeness, and that when we are obliged to deny the assertion of any one, we employ apologetical forms. The most proper ones are such as the following: I may be mistaken, I am undoubtedly mistaken, but,... Be so good as to excuse my mistake, but it seems to me,... I ask pardon, but I thought, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who think to soften down a denial merely by expressions of doubt. They say, if what you advance is true, if what madam says is positive, &c. With these forms, they think they comply with the rules of politeness. It is incivility with affectation.

However persons may say invidiously that forms avail much in the world, I agree with them, but in quite another sense.

We should never ask a thing of any one without saying, will you have the goodness, will you do me the favor, will you be so good, &c.

In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; and should never present any thing by extending the arm over her, but we pass round behind, and present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, I ask your pardon, &c. To a question which we do not fully comprehend, we never answer, Ha? What? but, Be so good as, &c. Pardon me, I did not understand.

Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and rather than disoblige people, take one, even if you throw it away, after having pretended to take it. Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assemblies, a box of sweet things, under penalty of having the air of a caricature.

If you strike against any one in the least, ask pardon for it immediately. The other should at the same time answer you, It is nothing, nothing at all, &c., even if the blow should have been violent.

It is customary to employ the few moments of a visit of mere politeness, in looking at the portraits which adorn the fireplace, and even taking them down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the extreme of impoliteness, to say that they were flattered, or to pretend to recognize in the portrait of a young lady, the likeness of an elderly lady, or of one less favored by nature. It would moreover be improper to make long compliments; indirect, and ingenious praise, is all that is proper.