Part 9

I saw a man--and envied him beside-- Because of this world's goods he had great store; But even as I envied him, he died, And left me envious of him no more.

I saw another man--and envied still-- Because he was content with frugal lot; But as I envied him, the rich man's will Bequeathed him all, and envy I forgot.

Yet still another man I saw, and he I envied for a calm and tranquil mind That nothing fretted in the least degree-- Until, alas! I found that he was blind.

What vanity is envy! for I find I have been rich in dross of thought, and poor In that I was a fool, and lastly blind For never having seen myself before!

"TRADIN' JOE"

I'm one o' these cur'ous kind o' chaps You think you know when you don't, perhaps! I hain't no fool--ner I don't p'tend To be so smart I could rickommend Myself fer a CONGERSSMAN my friend!-- But I'm kind o' betwixt-and-between, you know,-- One o' these fellers 'at folks call "slow." And I'll say jest here I'm kind o' queer Regardin' things 'at I SEE and HEAR,-- Fer I'm THICK o' hearin' SOMETIMES, and It's hard to git me to understand; But other times it hain't, you bet! Fer I don't sleep with both eyes shet!

I've swapped a power in stock, and so The neighbers calls me "Tradin' Joe"-- And I'm goin' to tell you 'bout a trade,-- And one o' the best I ever made:

Folks has gone so fur's to say 'At I'm well fixed, in a WORLDLY way, And BEIN' so, and a WIDOWER, It's not su'prisin', as you'll infer, I'm purty handy among the sect-- Widders especially, rickollect! And I won't deny that along o' late I've hankered a heap fer the married state-- But some way o' 'nother the longer we wait The harder it is to discover a mate.

Marshall Thomas,--a friend o' mine, Doin' some in the tradin' line, But a'most too YOUNG to know it all-- On'y at PICNICS er some BALL!-- Says to me, in a banterin' way, As 'we was a-loadin' stock one day,-- "You're a-huntin' a wife, and I want you to see My girl's mother, at Kankakee!-- She hain't over forty--good-lookin' and spry, And jest the woman to fill your eye! And I'm a-goin' there Sund'y,--and now," says he, "I want to take you along with ME; And you marry HER, and," he says, "by 'shaw I You'll hev me fer yer son-in-law!" I studied a while, and says I, "Well, I'll First have to see ef she suits my style; And ef she does, you kin bet your life Your mother-in-law will be my wife!"

Well, Sundy come; and I fixed up some-- Putt on a collar--I did, by gum!-- Got down my "plug," and my satin vest-- (You wouldn't know me to see me dressed!-- But any one knows ef you got the clothes You kin go in the crowd wher' the best of 'em goes!) And I greeced my boots, and combed my hair Keerfully over the bald place there; And Marshall Thomas and me that day Eat our dinners with Widder Gray And her girl Han'! * * *

Well, jest a glance O' the widder's smilin' countenance, A-cuttin' up chicken and big pot-pies, Would make a man hungry in Paradise! And passin' p'serves and jelly and cake 'At would make an ANGEL'S appetite ACHE!-- Pourin' out coffee as yaller as gold-- Twic't as much as the cup could hold-- La! it was rich!--And then she'd say, "Take some o' THIS!' in her coaxin' way, Tell ef I'd been a hoss I'd 'a' FOUNDERED, shore, And jest dropped dead on her white-oak floor!

Well, the way I talked would 'a' done you good, Ef you'd 'a' been there to 'a' understood; Tel I noticed Hanner and Marshall, they Was a-noticin' me in a cur'ous way; So I says to myse'f, says I, "Now, Joe, The best thing fer you is to jest go slow!" And I simmered down, and let them do The bulk o' the talkin' the evening through.

And Marshall was still in a talkative gait When he left, that evening--tolable late. "How do you like her?" he says to me; Says I, "She suits, to a 'T-Y-TEE'! And then I ast how matters stood With him in the OPPOSITE neighberhood? "Bully!" he says; "I ruther guess I'll finally git her to say the 'yes.' I named it to her to-night, and she Kind o' smiled, and said 'SHE'D SEE'-- And that's a purty good sign!" says he: "Yes" says I, "you're ahead o' ME!" And then he laughed, and said, "GO IN! And patted me on the shoulder ag'in.

Well, ever sense then I've been ridin' a good Deal through the Kankakee neighberhood; And I make it convenient sometimes to stop And hitch a few minutes, and kind o' drop In at the widder's, and talk o' the crop And one thing o' 'nother. And week afore last The notion struck me, as I drove past, I'd stop at the place and state my case-- Might as well do it at first as last!

I felt first-rate; so I hitched at the gate, And went up to the house; and, strange to relate, MARSHALL THOMAS had dropped in, TOO.-- "Glad to see you, sir, how do you do?" He says, says he! Well--it SOUNDED QUEER:

And when Han' told me to take a cheer, Marshall got up and putt out o' the room-- And motioned his hand fer the WIDDER to come. I didn't say nothin' fer quite a spell, But thinks I to myse'f, "There's a dog in the well!" And Han' SHE smiled so cur'ous at me-- Says I, "What's up?" And she says, says she, "Marshall's been at me to marry ag'in, And I told him 'no,' jest as you come in." Well, somepin' o' 'nother in that girl's voice Says to me, "Joseph, here's your choice!" And another minute her guileless breast Was lovin'ly throbbin' ag'in my vest!-- And then I kissed her, and heerd a smack Come like a' echo a-flutterin' back, And we looked around, and in full view Marshall was kissin' the widder, too! Well, we all of us laughed, in our glad su'prise, Tel the tears come A-STREAMIN' out of our eyes! And when Marsh said "'Twas the squarest trade That ever me and him had made," We both shuck hands, 'y jucks! and swore We'd stick together ferevermore. And old Squire Chipman tuck us the trip: And Marshall and me's in pardnership!

DOT LEEDLE BOY

Ot's a leedle Gristmas story Dot I told der leedle folks-- Und I vant you stop dot laughin' Und grackin' funny jokes!-- So help me Peter-Moses! Ot's no time for monkey-shine, Ober I vast told you somedings Of dot leedle boy of mine!

Ot vas von cold Vinter vedder, Ven der snow vas all about-- Dot you have to chop der hatchet Eef you got der sauerkraut! Und der cheekens on der hind leg Vas standin' in der shine Der sun shmile out dot morning On dot leedle boy of mine.

He vas yoost a leedle baby Not bigger as a doll Dot time I got acquaintet-- Ach! you ought to heard 'im squall!-- I grackys! dot's der moosic Ot make me feel so fine Ven first I vas been marriet-- Oh, dot leedle boy of mine!

He look yoost like his fader!-- So, ven der vimmen said, "Vot a purty leedle baby!" Katrina shake der head. . . . I dink she must 'a' notice Dot der baby vas a-gryin', Und she cover up der blankets Of dot leedle boy of mine.

Vel, ven he vas got bigger, Dot he grawl und bump his nose, Und make der table over, Und molasses on his glothes-- Dot make 'im all der sveeter,-- So I say to my Katrine, "Better you vas quit a-shpankin' Dot leedle boy of mine!"

No more he vas older As about a dozen months He speak der English language Und der German--bote at vonce! Und he dringk his glass of lager Like a Londsman fon der Rhine-- Und I klingk my glass togeder Mit dot leedle boy of mine!

I vish you could 'a' seen id-- Ven he glimb up on der chair Und shmash der lookin'-glasses Ven he try to comb his hair Mit a hammer!--Und Katrina Say, "Dot's an ugly sign!" But I laugh und vink my fingers At dot leedle boy of mine.

But vonce, dot Vinter morning, He shlip out in der snow Mitout no stockin's on 'im.-- He say he "vant to go Und fly some mit der birdies!" Und ve give 'im medi-cine Ven he catch der "parrygoric"-- Dot leedle boy of mine!

Und so I set und nurse 'im, Vile der Gristmas vas come roun', Und I told 'im 'bout "Kriss Kringle," How he come der chimbly down: Und I ask 'im eef he love 'im Eef he bring 'im someding fine? "Nicht besser as mein fader," Say dot leedle boy of mine.--

Und he put his arms aroun' me Und hug so close und tight, I hear der gclock a-tickin' All der balance of der night! . . . Someding make me feel so funny Ven I say to my Katrine, "Let us go und fill der stockin's Of dot leedle boy of mine."

Vell.--Ve buyed a leedle horses Dot you pull 'im mit a shtring, Und a leedle fancy jay-bird-- Eef you vant to hear 'im sing You took 'im by der topknot Und yoost blow in behine-- Und dot make much spectakel For dot leedle boy of mine!