Part 27

10. The grumbling talker includes everything within his grumbling. He grumbles against God and His Providence, His Word and His ministers. The devil does not even please him. He grumbles about politics, religion, the Church, the state, books, periodicals, papers. He grumbles against trade, commerce, money; against good men and bad men; against good women and bad women; against babes and children, young ladies and old maids. He grumbles about the weather, about time, life, death, things present, and things to come. It would appear that as he is endowed with universal presence, he is endowed with universal knowledge also, which leads him to universal grumbling.

11. The grumbling talker is afflicted with a most revolting disease. It is dangerous in its nature, and most unpleasant in its influence. It is injurious in its operation upon all who come within its reach. Persons who are not troubled with it, and are not accustomed to see it, never wish to catch a sight or a scent of it the second time. It is rather contagious. If the law regulating the case of the leper was to be enforced in the case of the grumbler, it might have a salutary effect. But as there is no probability of this, and as it is important that the disease should be arrested before it spread farther and prove more disastrous than it has, I shall, pro bono publico, as well as for the grumbler himself, presume to copy an American prescription that I have in my possession, and which never failed to cure any grumbler who scrupulously carried it out.

"1. Stop grumbling.

"2. Get up two hours earlier in the morning, and begin to do something outside of your regular profession.

"3. Stop grumbling.

"4. Mind your own business, and with all your might; let other people alone.

"5. Stop grumbling.

"6. Live within your means. Sell your horse. Give away or kill your dog.

"7. Stop grumbling.

"8. Smoke your cigars through an air-tight stove. Eat with moderation, and go to bed early.

"9. Stop grumbling.

"10. Talk less of your own peculiar gifts and virtues, and more of those of your friends and neighbours.

"11. Stop grumbling.

"12. Do all you can to make others happy. Be cheerful. Bend your neck and back more frequently when you pass those outside of 'select circles.' Fulfil your promises. Pay your debts. Be yourself all you see in others. Be a good man, a true Christian, and then you cannot help finally to

"13. Stop grumbling."

The above is an admirable receipt for the grumbling disease. It is composed of ingredients each of which is the best quality of healing medicine. Every grumbler should take the whole as prescribed, and he will soon experience a sensible change in his nature for the better; his friends also will observe him rapidly convalescent, and after a short time will rejoice over his restoration to a sound healthy condition, called by moral physicians--"CONTENTMENT."

"Sweet are the thoughts that savour of content-- The quiet mind is richer than a crown; Sweet are the nights in careless slumber spent-- The poor estate scorns fortune's angry frown. Such sweet content, such minds, such sleep, such bliss, Beggars enjoy when princes oft do miss.

The homely house that harbours quiet rest, The cottage that affords no pride nor care, The mean that 'grees with country music best, That sweet consort of Mirth's and Music's fare. Obscuréd life sits down a type of bliss; A mind content both crown and kingdom is."

XIX.

THE EGOTIST.

"What cracker is this same, that deafs our ears With this abundance of superfluous breath?" SHAKESPEARE.

"For none more likes to hear himself converse." BYRON.

This is a talker whose chief aim is the exhibition of himself in terms and phrases too fulsome and frequent for the pleasure of his hearers. I was, I am, I shall be, I have, etc., are the pronouns and verbs which he chiefly employs. He is all I. I is the representative letter of his name, his person, his speech, and his actions. There is nothing greater in the universe to him than that of which I is the type. There is not a more essential letter in the English alphabet to him than the letter I. Destroy this, and he would be disabled in his conversation; he would lose the only emblem which he has to set himself off before the eyes of people. He is nothing and can do nothing without I. This stands out in an embossed form, which may be felt by the blind man, as well as be seen by those who have eyesight. If you tell him of an interesting circumstance in which a friend of yours was placed, "I" is sure to be the beginning of a similar story concerning himself. Speak of some success which your friend has made in trade or commerce, and "I" will be the commencement of something similar, in which he has been more successful. You can inform him of nothing, but "I" is associated with what is equal or far superior. Were one required to give an etymology of the egotist, it would be in the words of the Rev. J. B. Owen: "One of those gluttonous parts of speech that gulp down every substantive in social grammar into its personal pronoun, condensing all the tenses and moods of other people's verbs into a first person singular of its own."

* * * * *

Mr. Slack, of the town of Kenton, was egregiously given to egotism. He was a man of ordinary education, but somewhat elevated above his neighbours in worldly circumstances. He carried himself with an air of imposing importance, as though he was lord of the entire county. In his conversation he assumed much more than others who knew him conceded. It was a little matter for him to ignore the abilities of other people. His own prominent self made such demands as almost absorbed the rights of everybody else. Whenever opportunity occurred, he set himself off as most learned, most wealthy, most extensively known, numbering among his acquaintances the most respectable. He rarely talked but to exhibit himself, alone, or in some aristocratic connections.

Mr. Dredge was a neighbour of Mr. Slack's, but of an opposite turn of mind. They were accustomed to make occasional calls upon each other. Dredge was quiet and unassuming, and often allowed Slack to go on with his egotistic gibberish unchecked, which rather encouraged him in his personal weakness.

One morning Mr. Slack called upon Mr. Dredge to spend an hour in a friendly way, as he often did, and, as usual, the conversation was principally about himself, and things relating to the same important personage.

"Have you seen the French Ambassador yet, Mr. Dredge?"