Part 13

I remain with respectful affection, Ever yours, HENRY MURRAY.

Mrs. Julia Freeman, Philadelphia.

18.--From a Lady to an Inconstant Lover.

Dear Harry:

It is with great reluctance that I enter upon a subject which has given me great pain, and upon which silence has become impossible if I would preserve my self-respect. You cannot but be aware that I have just reason for saying that you have much displeased me. You have apparently forgotten what is due to me, circumstanced as we are, thus far at least. You cannot suppose that I can tamely see you disregard my feelings, by conduct toward other ladies from which I should naturally have the right to expect you to abstain. I am not so vulgar a person as to be jealous. When there is cause to infer changed feelings, or unfaithfulness to promises of constancy, jealousy is not the remedy. What the remedy is I need not say--we both of us have it in our hands. I am sure you will agree with me that we must come to some understanding by which the future shall be governed. Neither you nor I can bear a divided allegiance. Believe me that I write more in sorrow than in anger. You have made me very unhappy, and perhaps thoughtlessly. But it will take much to reassure me of your unaltered regard.

Yours truly, EMMA.

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Hints and Helps on Good Behavior at all Times and at all Places.

1. It takes acquaintance to found a noble esteem, but politeness prepares the way. Indeed, as Montaigne says, Courtesy begets esteem at sight. Urbanity is half of affability, and affability is a charm worth possessing.

2. A pleasing demeanor is often the scales by which the pagan weighs the Christian. It is not virtue, but virtue inspires it. There are circumstances in which it takes a great and strong soul to pass under the little yoke of courtesy, but it is a passport to a greater soul standard.

3. Matthew Arnold says, "Conduct is three-fourths of character," and Christian benignity draws the line for conduct. A high sense of rectitude, a lowly soul, with a pure and kind {50} heart are elements of nobility which will work out in the life of a human being at home--everywhere. "Private refinement makes public gentility."

4. If you would conciliate the favor of men, rule your resentment. Remember that if you permit revenge or malice to occupy your soul, you are ruined.

5. Cultivate a happy temper; banish the blues; a cheerful saguine spirit begets cheer and hope.

6. Be trustworthy and be trustful.

7. Do not place a light estimate upon the arts of good reading and good expression; they will yield perpetual interest.

8. Study to keep versed in world events as well as in local occurrences, but abhor gossip, and above all scandal.

9. Banish a self-conscience spirit--the source of much awkwardness--with a constant aim to make others happy. Remember that it is incumbent upon gentlemen and ladies alike to be neat in habits.

10. The following is said to be a correct posture for walking. Head erect--not too rigid--chin in, shoulders back. Permit no unnecessary motion about the thighs. Do not lean over to one side in walking, standing or sitting; the practice is not only ungraceful, but it is deforming and therefore unhealthful.

11. Beware of affectation and of Beau Brummel airs.

12. If the hands are allowed to swing in walking, the arc should be limited, and the lady will manage them much more gracefully, if they almost touch the clothing.

13. A lady should not stand with her hands behind her. We could almost say, forget the hands except to keep them clean, including the nails, cordial and helpful. One hand may rest easily in the other. Study repose of attitude here as well as in the rest of the body.

14. Gestures are for emphasis in public speaking; do not point elsewhere, as a rule.

15. Greet your acquaintances as you meet them with a slight bow and smile, as you speak.

16. Look the person to whom you speak in the eye. Never under any circumstances wink at another or communicate by furtive looks.

17. Should you chance to be the rejected suitor of a lady, bear in mind your own self-respect, as well as the inexorable laws {51} of society, and bow politely when you meet her. Reflect that you do not stand before all woman-kind as you do at her bar. Do not resent the bitterness of flirtation. No lady or gentleman will flirt. Remember ever that painful prediscovery is better than later disappointment. Let such experience spur you to higher exertion.