Practical Etiquette

CHAPTER XI.. General Hints 124

GENERAL HINTS 124

INTRODUCTION.

“True politeness is to do and say The kindest thing in the kindest way.”

If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for other people’s rights, social law is equally the outgrowth of regard for other people’s feelings and convenience. Social law is kindness and good-will and the desire to be agreeable codified. A system of so much importance cannot be unworthy of consideration.

The very essence of good manners is self-possession, and self-possession is another name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in the mind. A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of another, and an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness towards those with whom one may have dealings, are the essential and distinguishing characteristics of a gentleman.

Quietness in all things is an essential element to a well-bred person. He shuns all outward display of his personality; he cares not to be seen or heard; he eschews noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids showy and noticeable costumes. His voice is low; his words simple; and his actions grave. He holds himself habitually under restraint; his words never seem to vibrate with emotion.

Habits are said to be good or bad as the result of actions that are right or wrong. A man of good habits is one who has for so long a time practiced right thinking, speaking, and doing, that he acts properly from force of habit.

Good manners are not to be put on for particular occasions, like fine clothes, but they should be one’s second nature. The simpler and more easy and unconstrained one’s manners, the more he will impress people with his good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of vulgarity.

CHAPTER I.. Introductions, Calls, Cards, Visiting.

INTRODUCTIONS, CALLS, CARDS, VISITING.

“A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures; it is the finest of the fine arts.”—Emerson.

INTRODUCTIONS.

In introducing persons, one should be careful to pronounce each name distinctly.

When either name is not perfectly understood, a repetition of it should be requested of the person making the introduction. When introductions are given, it is the man who should be presented to the woman; when two women are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder. For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mrs. Smith’s name that is first mentioned. The word “introduce” is preferred to “present.” Informal introductions are given by merely mentioning the names; as, “Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones,” and this is ordinarily sufficient.

In introducing two sisters, the elder is “Miss Smith” and the younger “Miss Virginia Smith.”

When two women are introduced to each other, it is not necessary for either to rise; a bow and a smile from each is sufficient.

A woman does not rise when a man is presented to her, unless he is very old or is a person of great importance. Upon being introduced, a married woman may offer her hand to a man but it is not customary for a young woman to do so.

It is the duty of a man who attends a private entertainment, to have himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not know.

An introduction in the street car is very bad form.

One should never forget that it is difficult, almost impossible, for some people to remember names and faces, and that such people actually suffer from their inability to recognize and call by name persons to whom they may have been introduced recently.

It is not uncommon to see one approach such a person, offer her hand, and say, if there is not an immediate recognition, “I am afraid you do not remember me,” while the person approached stands in agony, and gradually makes an apology for her poor memory, and asks the name.

One who is truly polite, who is at all thoughtful for another person’s feelings, would not be the cause of such a scene. She would prevent it by saying: “I am Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meeting you at Mrs. Brown’s luncheon last Thursday;” or something of the kind.

Whenever one has reason to think his name or face may have been forgotten, he should make himself known, in approaching another person, by giving his name at least.

CALLS.

A first call ought to be returned within a very short time.

A lady when receiving rises as her callers enter, and they immediately advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others.

A man takes any vacant chair, without troubling the hostess to look after him.

A man rises when women with whom he is talking rise to take their leave. Women calling do not rise unless those who are leaving are friends older than themselves.

When taking leave, one ought to choose a moment when there is a lull in the conversation, and then take leave of the hostess, letting one bow include the others in the room.

One month after the birth of a child, a call of congratulation is made by acquaintances.

A call of condolence is made within ten days after the death, if the caller is on intimate terms with the family, or within a month if otherwise.

Calls of congratulation are due to the newly married, and to the parents who gave the invitations to the marriage.

A man invited by a woman to call upon her, cannot, without great discourtesy, neglect to pay the call within a week.

A lady will never keep a caller waiting, without sending word that she will be in immediately.

One ought always to return a call, but if the acquaintance is not desirable, the first call may be the last.

Some women only rise when their callers leave, others accompany them as far as the drawing-room door; but it is always polite for a hostess to accompany her visitors to the front door when they take their leave, if there is not a servant on hand to open the door for them. The best bred hostesses even go so far as to accompany their callers to the elevator in a hotel or an apartment-house. Of course, if one has more than one caller at a time, it would be discourteous to leave the others to accompany one to the door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit a friend to go to the door alone, and get out as best she may.

A bride who is “At Home after November first,” should make a point of literally staying at home for an hour or two every afternoon during the month of November and the early part of December. She should be dressed to receive callers, and should have some dainty refreshments ready to serve,—tea and sandwiches or cake. After the first week of December the bride may begin to return her calls, calling first on those who first called upon her, and so on.

When the “at home” is a large and formal function, with engraved invitations and all the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate repast, floral decorations, etc.,—such as a debutante’s coming out, a wedding reception, or a reception to celebrate a wedding anniversary, and other large entertainments of this order,—an after-call is obligatory. But an ordinary “at home” does not demand another call, for instance, the reception or “days” a bride has on her return from her wedding trip, or when she is settled in her new home; or a tea or “days” for which a hostess informally sends the invitations written or engraved on her visiting cards, and receives with little ceremony and serves only a modest menu. On the contrary, the hostess owes a return call to all who attend; and only those who were invited, but were unable to be present, are in debt to her.

The length of time proper for one to stay at an “at home” depends on circumstances. It is always a compliment to one’s hostess to make a long visit at “a day”, for it implies that one is having a pleasant time; but nobody should stay long enough to be a burden on the hostess’s hospitality, or to detain her from her other guests. If one finds that she does not know any one present, or if she is not introduced to a congenial person with whom she can have a pleasant chat, it would be wise for her to leave after a conventional ten or fifteen minutes’ call.

The calling code demands that soon after a second caller is announced, the caller who was first present shall take leave of the hostess. The reason for this rule is obvious: visitor number one has already had a little time of uninterrupted tête-à-tête with the hostess before visitor number two appeared, and he or she should generously retire first, so that visitor number two may have the same privilege. But while this is the law, it depends somewhat on circumstances whether it is always carried out. If the first caller is an intimate friend of the hostess, and has come to have a long informal talk with her, and the second caller is merely a formal visitor whose obvious intention is to make a ceremonious visit, then the first comer may, with perfect propriety, outstay the other; or if the hostess has particularly asked the former to remain until after the latter goes, he may do so, and, of course, if the first visitor has come for some special reason, and the visitor who is announced later interrupts an important conversation, which, for business or other reasons, should be continued, the former is naturally justified in transgressing the calling code. All things being equal, however, it is the place of the first comer to be the first goer; and one must have a very good excuse for outstaying a caller who comes later.

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