Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War

Part 1

Mr. DOOLEY

IN PEACE AND IN WAR

Boston Small, Maynard & Company 1899

Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal Copyright, 1898, by Small, Maynard & Company

First Edition (10,000 copies) November, 1898 Second Edition (10,000 copies) December, 1898 Third Edition (10,000 copies) January, 1899

Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A.

TO W.H. TURNER

PREFACE.

Archey Road stretches back for many miles from the heart of an ugly city to the cabbage gardens that gave the maker of the seal his opportunity to call the city "urbs in horto." Somewhere between the two--that is to say, forninst th' gas-house and beyant Healey's slough and not far from the polis station--lives Martin Dooley, doctor of philosophy.

There was a time when Archey Road was purely Irish. But the Huns, turned back from the Adriatic and the stock-yards and overrunning Archey Road, have nearly exhausted the original population,--not driven them out as they drove out less vigorous races, with thick clubs and short spears, but edged them out with the more biting weapons of modern civilization,--overworked and under-eaten them into more languid surroundings remote from the tanks of the gas-house and the blast furnaces of the rolling-mill.

But Mr. Dooley remains, and enough remain with him to save the Archey Road. In this community you can hear all the various accents of Ireland, from the awkward brogue of the "far-downer" to the mild and aisy Elizabethan English of the southern Irishman, and all the exquisite variations to be heard between Armagh and Bantry Bay, with the difference that would naturally arise from substituting cinders and sulphuretted hydrogen for soft misty air and peat smoke. Here also you can see the wakes and christenings, the marriages and funerals, and the other fetes of the ol' counthry somewhat modified and darkened by American usage. The Banshee has been heard many times in Archey Road. On the eve of All Saints' Day it is well known that here alone the pookies play thricks in cabbage gardens. In 1893 it was reported that Malachi Dempsey was called "by the other people," and disappeared west of the tracks, and never came back.

A simple people! "Simple, says ye!" remarked Mr. Dooley. "Simple like th' air or th' deep sea. Not complicated like a watch that stops whin th' shoot iv clothes ye got it with wears out. Whin Father Butler wr-rote a book he niver finished, he said simplicity was not wearin' all ye had on ye'er shirt-front, like a tin-horn gambler with his di'mon' stud. An' 'tis so."

The barbarians around them are moderately but firmly governed, encouraged to passionate votings for the ruling race, but restrained from the immoral pursuit of office.

The most generous, thoughtful, honest, and chaste people in the world are these friends of Mr. Dooley,--knowing and innocent; moral, but giving no heed at all to patented political moralities.

Among them lives and prospers the traveller, archaeologist, historian, social observer, saloon-keeper, economist, and philosopher, who has not been out of the ward for twenty-five years "but twict." He reads the newspapers with solemn care, heartily hates them, and accepts all they print for the sake of drowning Hennessy's rising protests against his logic. From the cool heights of life in the Archey Road, uninterrupted by the jarring noises of crickets and cows, he observes the passing show, and meditates thereon. His impressions are transferred to the desensitized plate of Mr. Hennessy's mind, where they can do no harm.

"There's no betther place to see what's goin' on thin the Ar-rchey Road," says Mr. Dooley. "Whin th' ilicthric cars is hummin' down th' sthreet an' th' blast goin' sthrong at th' mills, th' noise is that gr-reat ye can't think."

He is opulent in good advice, as becomes a man of his station; for he has mastered most of the obstacles in a business career, and by leading a prudent and temperate life has established himself so well that he owns his own house and furniture, and is only slightly behind on his license. It would be indelicate to give statistics as to his age. Mr. Hennessy says he was a "grown man whin th' pikes was out in forty-eight, an' I was hedge-high, an' I'm near fifty-five." Mr. Dooley says Mr. Hennessy is eighty. He closes discussion on his own age with the remark, "I'm old enough to know betther." He has served his country with distinction. His conduct of the important office of captain of his precinct (1873-75) was highly commended, and there was some talk of nominating him for alderman. At the expiration of his term he was personally thanked by the Hon. M. McGee, at one time a member of the central committee. But the activity of public life was unsuited to a man of Mr. Dooley's tastes; and, while he continues to view the political situation always with interest and sometimes with alarm, he has resolutely declined to leave the bar for the forum. His early experience gave him wisdom in discussing public affairs. "Politics," he says, "ain't bean bag. 'Tis a man's game; an' women, childher, an' pro-hybitionists'd do well to keep out iv it." Again he remarks, "As Shakespeare says, 'Ol' men f'r th' council, young men f'r th' ward.'"

An attempt has been made in this book to give permanent form to a few of the more characteristic and important of Mr. Dooley's utterances. For permission to reprint the articles the thanks of the editor are due to Mr. George G. Booth, of the Chicago Journal, and to Mr. Dooley's constant friend, Mr. H.H. Kohlsaat, of the Chicago Evening Post.

F. P. D.

CONTENTS.

MR. DOOLEY IN WAR PAGE

ON DIPLOMACY 1

ON WAR PREPARATIONS 6

ON FITZ-HUGH LEE 10

ON MULES AND OTHERS 14

ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE 20

ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS 25

ON STRATEGY 30

Part 2

ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION 34

ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY 39

ON THE PHILIPPINES 43

ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY 48

ON THE ANGLO-SAXON 53

ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT 58

ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES 63

ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA'S FLEET 68

ON A LETTER TO MR. DEPEW 73

ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT 77

ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY 81

ON THE HERO IN POLITICS 87

MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE

ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 95

ON GOLD-SEEKING 100

ON BOOKS 105

ON REFORM CANDIDATES 111

ON PATERNAL DUTY 118

ON CRIMINALS 124

ON A PLOT 130

ON THE NEW WOMAN 136

ON EXPERT TESTIMONY 141

ON THE POPULARITY OF FIREMEN 146

ON THE GAME OF FOOTBALL 152

ON THE NECESSITY OF MODESTY AMONG THE RICH 158

ON THE POWER OF LOVE 165

ON THE VICTORIAN ERA 170

ON THE CURRENCY QUESTION 175

Part 3

ON POLITICAL PARADES 181

ON CHARITY 187

ON NANSEN 192

ON A POPULIST CONVENTION 197

ON A FAMILY REUNION 202

ON A FAMOUS WEDDING 208

ON A QUARREL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND GERMANY 213

ON ORATORY IN POLITICS 218

ON CHRISTMAS GIFTS 223

ON ANARCHISTS 229

ON THE DREYFUS CASE 234

ON THE DECADENCE OF GREECE 239

ON THE INDIAN WAR 245

ON GOLF 249

ON THE FRENCH CHARACTER 255

MR. DOOLEY IN WAR

ON DIPLOMACY.

"I'll explain it to ye," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis this way. Ye see, this here Sagasta is a boonco steerer like Canada Bill, an' th' likes iv him. A smart man is this Sagasta, an' wan that can put a crimp in th' ca-ards that ye cudden't take out with a washerwoman's wringer. He's been through manny a ha-ard game. Talk about th' County Dimocracy picnic, where a three-ca-ard man goes in debt ivry time he hurls th' broads, 'tis nawthin' to what this here Spanish onion has been again an' beat. F'r years an' years he's played on'y profissionals. Th' la-ads he's tackled have more marked ca-ards in their pockets thin a preacher fr'm Mitchigan an' more bad money thin ye cud shake out iv th' coat-tail pockets iv a prosp'rous banker fr'm Injianny. He's been up again Gladstun an' Bisma-arck an' ol' what-ye-call-'im, th' Eyetalian,--his name's got away from me,--an' he's done thim all.

"Well, business is bad. No wan will play with him. No money's comin' in. Th' circus has moved on to th' nex' town, an' left him without a customer. Th' Jew man that loaned him th' bank-roll threatens to seize th' ca-ards on' th' table. Whin, lo an' behold, down th' sthreet comes a ma-an fr'm th' counthry,--a lawyer fr'm Ohio, with a gripsack in his hand. Oh, but he's a proud man. He's been in town long enough f'r to get out iv th' way iv th' throlley ca-ar whin th' bell rings. He's larned not to thry an' light his see-gar at th' ilicthric light. He doesn't offer to pay th' ilivator ma-an f'r carryin' him upstairs. He's got so he can pass a tall buildin' without thryin' f'r to turn a back summersault. An' he's as haughty about it as a new man on an ice-wagon. They'se nawthin' ye can tell him. He thinks iv himsilf goin' back to Canton with a r-red necktie on, an' settin' on a cracker box an' tellin' th' lads whin they come in fr'm pitchin' hor-rseshoes what a hot time he's had, an' how he's seen th' hootchy-kootchy an' th' Pammer House barber shop, an' th' other ondacint sights iv a gr-reat city.

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