Part 17

And when at length the case was called (It came on rather late), Spectators really were appalled To see their deadly hate.

One junior rose—with eyeballs tense, And swollen frontal veins: To all his powers of eloquence He gave the fullest reins.

His argument was novel—for A verdict he relied On blackening the junior Upon the other side.

“Oh,” said the Judge, in robe and fur, “The matter in dispute To arbitration pray refer— This is a friendly suit.”

And PYTHIAS, in merry mood, Digged DAMON in the side; And DAMON, tickled with the feud, With other digs replied.

But oh! those deadly counsel twain, Who were such friends before, Were never reconciled again— They quarrelled more and more.

At length it happened that they met On Alpine heights one day, And thus they paid each one his debt, Their fury had its way—

They seized each other in a trice, With scorn and hatred filled, And, falling from a precipice, They, both of them, were killed.

MY DREAM

THE other night, from cares exempt, I slept—and what d’you think I dreamt? I dreamt that somehow I had come To dwell in Topsy-Turveydom—

Where vice is virtue—virtue, vice: Where nice is nasty—nasty, nice: Where right is wrong and wrong is right— Where white is black and black is white.

Where babies, much to their surprise, Are born astonishingly wise; With every Science on their lips, And Art at all their finger-tips.

For, as their nurses dandle them They crow binomial theorem, With views (it seems absurd to us) On differential calculus.

But though a babe, as I have said, Is born with learning in his head, He must forget it, if he can, Before he calls himself a man.

For that which we call folly here, Is wisdom in that favoured sphere; The wisdom we so highly prize Is blatant folly in their eyes.

A boy, if he would push his way, Must learn some nonsense every day; And cut, to carry out this view, His wisdom teeth and wisdom too.

Historians burn their midnight oils, Intent on giant-killers’ toils; And sages close their aged eyes To other sages’ lullabies.

Our magistrates, in duty bound, Commit all robbers who are found; But there the Beaks (so people said) Commit all robberies instead.

Our Judges, pure and wise in tone, Know crime from theory alone, And glean the motives of a thief From books and popular belief.

But there, a Judge who wants to prime His mind with true ideas of crime, Derives them from the common sense Of practical experience.

Policemen march all folks away Who practise virtue every day— Of course, I mean to say, you know, What we call virtue here below.

For only scoundrels dare to do What we consider just and true, And only good men do, in fact, What we should think a dirty act.

But strangest of these social twirls, The girls are boys—the boys are girls! The men are women, too—but then, Per contra, women all are men.

To one who to tradition clings This seems an awkward state of things, But if to think it out you try, It doesn’t really signify.

With them, as surely as can be, A sailor should be sick at sea, And not a passenger may sail Who cannot smoke right through a gale.

A soldier (save by rarest luck) Is always shot for showing pluck (That is, if others can be found With pluck enough to fire a round).

“How strange!” I said to one I saw; “You quite upset our every law. However can you get along So systematically wrong?”

“Dear me!” my mad informant said, “Have you no eyes within your head? You sneer when you your hat should doff: Why, we begin where you leave off!