Part 29

GUNNER. 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, N.W.

PERCIVAL. [dictating] I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I-- [To Tarleton] What did he do exactly?

TARLETON. [dictating] --I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath--

BENTLEY. Go slow, old man. Just a moment. "Turkish bath"--yes?

TARLETON. [continuing] --with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton--

MRS TARLETON. Oh, John! You might have been killed.

TARLETON. --and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska.

MRS TARLETON. Is she celebrated? [Apologetically] I never dreamt--

BENTLEY. Look here: I'm awfully sorry; but I cant spell Szczepanowska.

PERCIVAL. I think it's S, z, c, z-- [Lina gives him her visiting-card]. Thank you. [He throws it on Bentley's blotter].

BENTLEY. Thanks awfully. [He writes the name].

TARLETON. [to Percival] Now it's your turn.

PERCIVAL. [dictating] I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation.

Impressive silence whilst Bentley writes.

BENTLEY. "foundation"?

PERCIVAL. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct-- [he waits for Bentley to write].

BENTLEY. "conduct"?

PERCIVAL. --and I promise Mr Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life--

BENTLEY. "amend my life"?

PERCIVAL. --and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance--

BENTLEY. "another chance"?

PERCIVAL. --and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve.

BENTLEY. "richly deserve."

PERCIVAL. [to Hypatia] Does that satisfy you, Miss Tarleton?

HYPATIA. Yes: that will teach him to tell lies next time.

BENTLEY. [rising to make place for Gunner and handing him the pen] You mean it will teach him to tell the truth next time.

TARLETON. Ahem! Do you, Patsy?

PERCIVAL. Be good enough to sign. [Gunner sits down helplessly and dips the pen in the ink]. I hope what you are signing is no mere form of words to you, and that you not only say you are sorry, but that you are sorry.