Part 4

The same reason should serve as a warning to all gentlemen against writing love-letters; for if a gentle swain is really and truly in love, he will write under excited feelings; and a letter written with a palpitating heart, threatening to break a rib at every throb, can hardly fail to appear a little ridiculous in the eyes of all who may not chance to be exactly in the same frame of mind, or possessed of the same degree of feeling with the writer.

There is a giggling and laughing tone, in which ladies and gentlemen sometimes endeavor to speak,--an attempt to continue a series of jests from the first to last, which is not only foolish, but actually offensive. Conversation can never be kept up to the laughing point during a whole evening,--not even during a morning visit; and efforts to excite laughter by overstrained jests are as repulsive as overstrained efforts to groan and grimace it. The natural flow of discourse must be calm and serene; if wit, whim, fun and fire are present, they will not fail to flash brightly along its surface; but they can never constitute the main body of the stream itself.

Different parties, different tones no doubt, and an assembly of grave doctors and professors, meeting to discuss some learned subject, may treat it in their own way; here we can only speak of general society. It is said, that the guests at a pleasant dinner party should never exceed the number of the Muses, nor fall below that of the Graces. And this may be true; but a party of three or four is already very different in character,--independent of the difference occasioned by the characters of the guests,--from what a party of eight or nine will be. In small parties of this kind, numbers alone exercise great influence. But large or small, always recollect that you can have no right to complain of the dullness of the conversation, unless you have contributed your best efforts to render it cheerful.

Nor is it always right to condemn a person for being silent in company, as this often results from the nature of the party, which may be ill-assorted, though composed of deserving people. No one can maintain a conversation by himself; the very best speaker must still be aided by others, who must lend assistance in the proper spirit, befitting the nature of the discourse; for a rude and forward person, wishing to shine, can easily crush the efforts of the most perfect gentleman, and give an unfavorable tone and turn to a pleasant conversation.

In ordinary conversation, the modulation and proper management of the voice is a point to which I would particularly call the attention of young ladies; for a fine and melodious voice, "sweet as music on the waters," makes the heart-strings vibrate to their very core. This can only be done by a certain degree of confidence, and by a total absence of affectation; for uncertainty, agitation and striving for effect are always ruinous to the voice of the speaker, which is constantly running against breakers, or getting upon flats. I am certain that temper and disposition are far more generally, and more perfectly marked by the voice and manner of speaking, than we are at all willing to allow.

The thin, small voice is the most difficult to manage, as it is liable to degenerate into shrillness; and ladies who have this kind of voice must keep strict guard over their temper, when within hearing of any one on whom they may wish to make a favorable impression; for the very idea of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place our hands to our ears. But with a sweet temper, a pretty, little, harmonious voice is pleasing enough. Always recollect, however, that affectation, constraint, or striving for effect, is the certain ruin of the prettiest voice in the world.

The very deep-toned voice, though extremely effective when well controlled, has great difficulties; for unless backed by kind, cheerful and airy feeling, by "that bright spirit which is always gladness," it is liable to fall into a coarse, rude and vulgar tone, and should never be heard except at times of brilliant sunshine. The owners of such voices should never think of getting angry, nor even indulge in saying what they may fancy sharp or severe things, as the chances are that they will prove only rude ones.

Stories, however good--and they are often to be recommended--suffer under one of the disadvantages to which anecdotes are liable,--they do not bear repetition; and no one can be expected to possess a stock that shall furnish new and acceptable wares on every occasion. They form in conversation the resource of those who want imagination, and must be received with indulgence; but to deserve this favor, they must be short, well told, well pointed, and judiciously adapted to the feelings and composition of the party. We have all of us at times known a good story or anecdote introduced under such inappropriate circumstances, as to make a whole party look grave and feel uncomfortable.

The honor of demolishing the weavers of long tales shall be left to Cowper.

"But sedentary weavers of long tales Give me the fidgets, and my patience fails. 'Tis the most asinine employ on earth, To hear them tell of parentage and birth; And echo conversations dull and dry, Embellished with he said and so said I. At every interview their route the same, The repetition makes attention lame; We bristle up with unsuccessful speed, And in the saddest part, cry--Droll, indeed."

Let the reader only get these verses by heart, and repeat a line occasionally to show that he recollects them, and we shall soon find society relieved from these spinners of dull yarns.

Some gentlemen have a talent for placing things in a grotesque, exaggerated and ludicrous light; and of extemporizing burlesque anecdotes in a whimsical and amusing manner. It is a happy gift, of which excellent use can be made in society; but tact and taste must, as usual, keep a firm rein, for nothing that is seriously treated by others must ever be burlesqued and turned into ridicule. The grotesque style is only applicable when the ground is fairly open, or when jesting, bantering and exaggeration are the order of the minute; and then it may be rendered charming.

Let no one suppose that mimicry is to be sanctioned under this head; far from it, indeed. A little graceful imitation of actors and public speakers may be allowed. National manners, and the peculiarities of entire classes, are fair game. French dandies, Yankee bargainers, and English exquisites, may be ridiculed at pleasure; you may even bring forward Irish porters, cab-drivers and bog-trotters,--provided you can imitate their wit and humor; but I do not think I ever saw any mimicry of private individuals well received by well-bred persons. Nor is this to be wondered at, since mimicry borders so closely on buffoonery, as generally to end in absolute vulgarity. Ladies, however, may be permitted to mimic their friends a little, provided they rarely indulge in the practice, and never transgress the bounds of good taste and elegance.

We meet occasionally in society with persons belonging to a class, not numerous indeed, but deserving notice, as they are mostly ladies, and often worth reclaiming; for want of a better term I shall call them Icicles, because they only shine and cannot warm. The Icicles may be kind, clever, of cultivated mind, and in every respect well disposed to become agreeable,--but cannot speak or converse on any one subject. They are constantly witty and ingenious, place every proposition or general question asked, in some amusing, novel or extravagant light, but never answer or speak up to the point; so that you may converse with them for hours, and be acquainted with them for years, without knowing their opinion upon any one subject; without knowing even whether they have an opinion on any one subject. Nor does this always result from affectation, or from efforts to shine; it springs as often from a faulty tone, and the fear of not being sufficiently clever, when attempting to be rational, as from any other source. I have seen persons lose a great deal by this absurd system, and fall far short of what they might have been had they merely followed the beaten track; and as a maxim would have you recollect, that few good things are ever said by those who are constantly striving to say extraordinary ones.

GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION.

As order or method are of very little consequence in treating of this subject, I will conclude by giving a series of rules upon the art of conversation, couched in a few words, from which the reader may furnish himself with a competent knowledge of what is to be studied, and what to be avoided. There are few of the following sentences that will not furnish a good deal of thought, or that are to be understood to their full extent without some consideration.

Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's house is never repeated by well-bred people. Things of no moment, and which are meant only as harmless jokes, are liable to produce unpleasant consequences if repeated. To repeat, therefore, any conversation which passes on such occasions, is understood to be a breach of confidence, which should banish the offender from the pale of good society.

Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker,--nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education to a collegian. The error which is here condemned is often committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affable. But it betrays to a gentleman, ignorance of the world,--to a philosopher, ignorance of human nature.

A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing his learning and accomplishments in the presence of ignorant and vulgar people, who can, by no possibility, understand or appreciate them. It is a pretty sure sign of bad breeding to set people to staring and feeling uncomfortable.

In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to repeat the name of any person with whom you are conversing. But the same rule does not hold in America. Here it is deemed no breach, if you are conversing with a lady by the name of Sherwood, to say, "Well, Mrs. Sherwood, do you not think," etc.

In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of a matter which the rest do not understand, unless it is something which you can explain to them, and which may be made interesting to the whole party.

If you wish to inquire about anything, do not do it by asking a question; but introduce the subject, and give the person an opportunity of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to impart. Do not even say, "How is your brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well."

Never ask a lady a question about anything whatever.

By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and phrases in polite company. No greater insult can be offered to polite society than to repeat the slang dictums of bar-rooms and other low places. If you are willing to have it known that you are familiar with such company yourself, you have no right to treat a party of ladies and gentlemen as though they were, too.

Avoid the habit of employing French words in English conversation; it is extremely bad taste to be always using such expressions as ci-devant, soi-disant, en masse, couleur de rose, etc. Do not salute your acquaintances with bon jour, nor reply to every proposition, volontiers. In society, avoid having those peculiar preferences for some subjects which are vulgarly denominated "hobby-horses." They make your company a bore to all your friends; and some kind-hearted creature will take advantage of them and trot you, for the amusement of the company. Every attempt to obtrude on a company subjects either to which they are indifferent, or of which they are ignorant, is in bad taste.

"Man should be taught as though you taught him not, And things unknown proposed as things forgot."

A man is quite sure to show his good or bad breeding the instant he opens his mouth to talk in company. If he is a gentleman he starts no subject of conversation that can possibly be displeasing to any person present. The ground is common to all, and no one has a right to monopolize any part of it for his own particular opinions, in politics or religion. No one is there to make proselytes, but every one has been invited, to be agreeable and to please.

He who knows the world, will not be too bashful. He who knows himself, will not be impudent.