Part 16

It is, of course, not always easy for a gentleman to know when he has been definitely proposed to. Women’s ways are sometimes devious and obscure. Roughly speaking, it is a proposal, or its equivalent, when a lady throws her head upon his breast and bursts into a passionate flood of tears.

* * * * *

The duties of a valet in a country house are as follows:

(1) Talking and snickering to the housemaids in the hallways.

(2) Purloining little keepsakes from the portmanteaus of the visitors.

(3) Bouncing into the bachelors’ rooms one hour before they wish to be wakened, in order to build fires, close bureau drawers, misinform them about the weather, and take away dress coats and trousers.

(4) Laying out clothes in the morning. In doing this they usually exhibit a highly trained color sense, selecting as the smartest combination of apparel a blue shirt, brown socks, lilac handkerchief, green tie, and a yellow waistcoat.

(5) Standing in a conspicuous position in the main hallway on Monday morning, which is always the period of largess and plenty.

(6) Wrapping up muddy boots in black evening trousers.

(7) Perhaps, however, their most blissful moment is when, knowing that you have one more evening before you, they take your only remaining white shirt, fold it into a sausage-shaped roll, and hurl it into the soiled-linen basket.

* * * * *

A movement is on foot in polite society to revise the barbarous wedding anniversaries as at present regulated, as modern marriages seldom last long enough to celebrate them. It is proposed, therefore, to call the first anniversary the tin, the second the silver, the third the gold, as marriages in society are only contracted, on one side or the other, for the attainment of these several commodities.

* * * * *

When ladies are introduced to one another, they should remain rigid and calm and evince no interest in the proceeding. Their necks should be stiff and their heads thrown back—like cobras about to strike.

* * * * *

At a wedding it is not customary for the best man to kiss the bride. Should the occasion seem, however, to call for such an act, he should be careful only to deliver a “Sweeper.” A “Dweller” may alone be administered by the groom.

* * * * *

A bachelor should supply the telephone girl at his office with a list of ladies to whom he is always “out.” On a select list he will write the names of five or six ladies who entertain delightfully and to whom he is always “in.”

* * * * *

In introducing two people show no sign of emotion whatever. Merely look from one to the other in a vague, listless sort of way, and murmur their names very swiftly and very faintly. It is, of course, bad form to introduce at all, but, if put to it, proceed as above.

* * * * *

At Christmas time a married man should make certain to tip the telephone boy at his club. If the lad is clever enough to recognize the voice of the member’s wife, at the other end of the telephone, he should receive ten dollars. If he recognizes other female voices as well, he should receive twenty.

* * * * *

A chivalrous husband should always try, by kindly acts and little courtesies, to ingratiate himself in his wife’s affections. It is, for instance, selfish of him to return from his office to his home before dressing time.

He should remember that the hours between 4.15 and 7.15 are her hours. In this brief space she will probably wish to pour tea, entertain male visitors, play bridge, buy jewelry, take a nap, or have her hair “marcelled,” and the husband should always consider her feelings during this trying part of the day. He may solace himself by remembering that the sitting rooms of other ladies are always open to him during these hours. If not, he can always go to the steam room at a Turkish bath, or drop in at the “Plaza” and hear the nouveaux riches drink tea.

* * * * *

In motoring, avoid running over hens, dogs, and Italian children. They are almost certain to stick up the wheels.

* * * * *