Part 13

MY DEAR MRS. VANDERGRAFT:

How awfully good of you to ask me for Friday. I presume we are dining at your house and not at a stuffy restaurant. May I be very frank and ask you what play you are planning to see? Might I also inquire if you are going in boxes or seats, and if you expect me for supper afterwards?

On hearing from you, I hope to be able to arrange the matter to your entire satisfaction.

My servant will wait for your reply.

Sincerely yours,

REGINALD GOOLD.

P. S.—How many are coming, and who are they? Are they the noisy sort?

P. S. No. 2.—What ladies are to sit beside me at dinner?

CALLING

CALLING

Bachelors no longer leave or “push” cards. It is considered provincial. After dining at a house, a man may think it policy to give the butler two dollars and his card. In return the butler will, during the next afternoon, discreetly slip the card upon the tray in the hall while the lady of the house is driving in the park.

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If you are literally forced to pay a call, merely ask the butler if the ladies are at home. Should he say “No,” hand him your cards, and your work is over. Should he say “Yes,” pretend to him that you have mistaken the house, and that you were looking for the residence of another lady. Slip him a dollar and retire noiselessly down the steps.

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It is often well, before starting out on a calling expedition, to have one’s servant telephone to a dozen or so mansions to discover which of the ladies are out. You can then leave cards in these particular houses with comparative safety.

OUR COUNTRY COUSINS

OUR COUNTRY COUSINS

Green peas are eaten with the aid of a fork. The hair-raising spectacle of a gentleman flicking peas into his mouth with a steel knife is no longer fashionable, however dexterously the feat may be performed.

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Plums should be eaten one by one and the pits allowed to fall noiselessly into the half-closed hand.

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At dinners, wisdom dictates that it is wiser to leave the terrapin, hard crabs, asparagus, and oranges untasted (unless accustomed to them from birth). Be content to poke and pat these dishes with a fork, but make no effort to consume them.

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The following expressions are no longer in vogue in society: “Pardon my glove,” “Pray be seated,” “Pleased to meet you,” “Remember me to the folks,” “Pray rest your cane,” “Make yourself at home,” “What name, please?” “Are you the party?” “Say, listen,” “My gentleman friend,” “Usen’t you?” etc.

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Do not address your wife as “mother.”

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Olives are eaten with the thumb and forefinger of the right hand. It is not necessary to peel them, and the pits should usually be rejected.