Act Ii

PROLOGUE

Enter Ate as before. After a little lightning and thundering, let there come forth this show:—Perseus and Andromeda, hand in hand, and Cepheus also, with swords and targets. Then let there come out of an other door, Phineus, all black in armour, with Aethiopians after him, driving in Perseus, and having taken away Andromeda, let them depart, Ate remaining, saying:

ATE. Regit omnia numen. When Perseus married fair Andromeda, The only daughter of king Cepheus, He thought he had established well his Crown, And that his kingdom should for aie endure. But, lo, proud Phineus with a band of men, Contrived of sun-burnt Aethiopians, By force of arms the bride he took from him, And turned their joy into a flood of tears. So fares it with young Locrine and his love, He thinks this marriage tendeth to his weal; But this foul day, this foul accursed day, Is the beginning of his miseries. Behold where Humber and his Scithians Approacheth nigh with all his warlike train. I need not, I, the sequel shall declare, What tragic chances fall out in this war.

SCENE I.

Enter Humber, Hubba, Estrild, Segar and their soldiers.

HUMBER. At length the snail doth clime the highest tops, Ascending up the stately castle walls; At length the water with continual drops, Doth penetrate the hardest marble stone; At length we are arrived in Albion. Nor could the barbarous Dacian sovereign, Nor yet the ruler of brave Belgia, Stay us from cutting over to this Isle, Whereas I hear a troop of Phrigians Under the conduct of Postumius’ son, Have pitched up lordly pavilions, And hope to prosper in this lovely Isle. But I will frustrate all their foolish hope, And teach them that the Scithian Emperour Leads fortune tied in a chain of gold, Constraining her to yield unto his will, And grace him with their regal diadem, Which I will have mauger their treble hosts, And all the power their petty kings can make.

HUBBA. If she that rules fair Rhamnis’ golden gate Grant us the honour of the victory, As hitherto she always favoured us, Right noble father, we will rule the land, Enthronized in seats of Topaz stones, That Locrine and his brethren all may know, None must be king but Humber and his son.

HUMBER. Courage, my son, fortune shall favour us, And yield to us the coronet of bay, That decked none but noble conquerours. But what saith Estrild to these regions? How liketh she the temperature thereof? Are they not pleasant in her gracious eyes?

ESTRILD. The plains, my Lord, garnished with Flora’s wealth, And overspread with party colored flowers, Do yield sweet contentation to my mind. The airy hills enclosed with shady groves, The groves replenished with sweet chirping birds, The birds resounding heavenly melody, Are equal to the groves of Thessaly, Where Phoebus with the learned Ladies nine, Delight themselves with music harmony, And from the moisture of the mountain tops, The silent springs dance down with murmuring streams, And water all the ground with crystal waves. The gentle blasts of Eurus, modest wind, Moving the pittering leaves of Silvan’s woods, Do equal it with Temp’s paradise; And thus consorted all to one effect, Do make me think these are the happy Isles, Most fortunate, if Humber may them win.

HUBBA. Madam, where resolution leads the way, And courage follows with imboldened pace, Fortune can never use her tyranny; For valiantness is like unto a rock That standeth in the waves of Ocean, Which though the billows beat on ever side, And Boreas fell with his tempestuous storms Bloweth upon it with a hideous clamour, Yet it remaineth still unmoveable.

HUMBER. Kingly resolved, thou glory of thy sire. But, worthy Segar, what uncouth novelties Bringst thou unto our royal majesty?

SEGAR. My Lord, the youngest of all Brutus’ sons, Stout Albanact, with millions of men, Approacheth nigh, and meaneth, ere the morn, To try your force by dint of fatal sword.

HUMBER. Tut, let him come with millions of hosts; He shall find entertainment good enough. Yea, fit for those that are our enemies: For we’ll receive them at the lance’s points, And massacre their bodies with our blades: Yea, though they were in number infinite, More than the mighty Babylonian queen, Semiramis the ruler of the West, Brought gainst the Emperour of the Scithians; Yet would we not start back one foot from them: That they might know we are invincible.

HUBBA. Now, by great Jove, the supreme king of heaven, And the immortal gods that live therein, When as the morning shows his cheerful face, And Lucifer, mounted upon his steed, Brings in the chariot of the golden sun, I’ll meet young Albanact in the open field, And crack my lance upon his burganet, To try the valour of his boyish strength. There will I show such ruthful spectacles And cause so great effusion of blood, That all his boys shall wonder at my strength: As when the warlike queen of Amazon, Penthisilea, armed with her lance, Girt with a corslet of bright shining steel, Couped up the faintheart Graecians in the camp.

HUMBER. Spoke like a warlike knight, my noble son; Nay, like a prince that seeks his father’s joy. Therefore, tomorrow, ere fair Titan shine, And bashful Eos, messenger of light, Expels the liquid sleep from out men’s eyes, Thou shalt conduct the right wing of the host; The left wing shall be under Segar’s charge, The rearward shall be under me myself. And lovely Estrild, fair and gracious, If fortune favour me in mine attempts, And make the Queen of lovely Albion, Come, let us in and muster up our train, And furnish up our lusty soldiers, That they may be a bulwark to our state, And bring our wished joys to perfect end.

SCENE II.

Enter Strumbo, Dorothy, Trompart, cobbling shoes and singing. To them enter Captain.

TROMPART. We Cobblers lead a merry life:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan:

STRUMBO. Void of all ennui and strife:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

DOROTHY. Our ease is great, our labour small:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

STRUMBO. And yet our gains be much withall:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

DOROTHY. With this art so fine and fair:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

TROMPART. No occupation may compare:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

DOROTHY. For merry pastime and joyful glee:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

STRUMBO. Most happy men we Cobblers be:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

TROMPART. The can stands full of nappy ale:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

STRUMBO. In our shop still withouten fail:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

DOROTHY. This is our meat, this is our food:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

TROMPART. This brings us to a merry mood:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

STRUMBO. This makes us work for company:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

DOROTHY. To pull the tankards cheerfully:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

TROMPART. Drink to thy husband, Dorothy,

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

DOROTHY. Why, then, my Strumbo, there’s to thee:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

STRUMBO. Drink thou the rest, Trompart, amain:

ALL. Dan, dan, dan, dan.

DOROTHY. When that is gone, we’ll fill’t again:

ALL. Dan diddle dan.

CAPTAIN. The poorest state is farthest from annoy. How merrily he sitteth on his stool! But when he sees that needs he must be pressed, He’ll turn his note and sing another tune. Ho, by your leave, master Cobbler.

STRUMBO. You are welcome, gentleman. What will you? any old shoes or buskins? or will you have your shoes clouted? I will do them as well as any Cobbler in Cathnes whatsoever.

CAPTAIN. [Showing him press money.] O master Cobbler, you are far deceived in me, for don you see this? I come not to buy any shoes, but to buy yourself; come, sir, you must be a soldier in the king’s cause.

STRUMBO. Why, but hear you, sir; has your king any commission to take any man against his will. I promise you, I can scant believe it; or did he give you commission?

CAPTAIN. O sir, ye need not care for that; I need no commission. Hold, here: I command you, in the name of our king Albanact, to appear tomorrow in the town-house of Cathnes.

STRUMBO. King Nactaball! I cry God mercy! what have we to do with him, or he with us? But you, sir master capontail, draw your pasteboard, or else I promise you, I’ll give you a canuasado with a bastinado over your shoulders, and teach you to come hither with your implements.

CAPTAIN. I pray thee, good fellow, be content; I do the king’s command.

STRUMBO. Put me out of your book, then.

CAPTAIN. I may not.

STRUMBO. [Snatching up the staff.] No! Well, come, sir, will your stomach serve you? by gog’s blue hood and halidom, I will have a bout with you.

Fight both. Enter Thrasimachus.

THRASIMACHUS. How now, what noise, what sudden clamor’s this? How now, my captain and the cobbler so hard at it? Sirs, what is your quarrel?

CAPTAIN. Nothing, sir, but that he will not take press money.

THRASIMACHUS. Here, good fellow; take it at my command, Unless you mean to be stretched.

STRUMBO. Truly, master gentleman, I lack no money; if you please, I will resign it to one of these poor fellows.

THRASIMACHUS. No such matter, Look you be at the common house tomorrow.

STRUMBO. O, wife, I have spun a fair thread! If I had been quiet, I had not been pressed, and therefore well may I wayment. But come, sirrah, shut up, for we must to the wars.

SCENE III. The camp of Albanact

Enter Albanact, Debon, Thrasimachus, and the Lords.

ALBA. Brave cavalries, princes of Albany, Whose trenchant blades with our deceased sire, Passing the frontiers of brave Graecia, Were bathed in our enemies’ lukewarm blood, Now is the time to manifest your wills, Your haughty minds and resolutions. Now opportunity is offered To try your courage and your earnest zeal, Which you always protest to Albanact; For at this time, yea, at this present time, Stout fugitives, come from the Scithians’ bounds, Have pestered every place with mutinies. But trust me, Lordings, I will never cease To persecute the rascal runnagates, Till all the rivers, stained with their blood, Shall fully show their fatal overthrow.

DEBON. So shall your highness merit great renown, And imitate your aged father’s steps.

ALBA. But tell me, cousin, camest thou through the plains? And sawest thou there the fain heart fugitives Mustering their weather-beaten soldiers? What order keep they in their marshalling?

THRASIMACHUS. After we passed the groves of Caledone, Where murmuring rivers slide with silent streams, We did behold the straggling Scithians’ camp, Replete with men, stored with munition; There might we see the valiant minded knights Fetching careers along the spacious plains. Humber and Hubba armed in azure blue, Mounted upon their coursers white as snow, Went to behold the pleasant flowering fields; Hector and Troialus, Priamus lovely sons, Chasing the Graecians over Simoeis, Were not to be compared to these two knights.

ALBA. Well hast thou painted out in eloquence The portraiture of Humber and his son, As fortunate as was Policrates; Yet should they not escape our conquering swords, Or boast of ought but of our clemency.

Enter Strumbo and Trompart, crying often; Wild fire and pitch, wild fire and pitch, &c.

THRASIMACHUS. What, sirs! what mean you by these clamors made, These outcries raised in our stately court?

STRUMBO. Wild fire and pitch, wild fire and pitch.

THRASIMACHUS. Villains, I say, tell us the cause hereof?

STRUMBO. Wild fire and pitch, &c.

THRASIMACHUS. Tell me, you villains, why you make this noise, Or with my lance I will prick your bowels out.

ALBA. Where are your houses, where’s your dwelling place?

STRUMBO. Place? Ha, ha, ha! laugh a month and a day at him. Place! I cry God mercy: why, do you think that such poor honest men as we be, hold our habitacles in kings’ palaces? Ha, ha, ha! But because you seem to be an abominable chieftain, I will tell you our state.

From the top to the toe, From the head to the shoe; From the beginning to the ending, From the building to the burning.

This honest fellow and I had our mansion cottage in the suburbs of this city, hard by the temple of Mercury. And by the common soldiers of the Shitens, the Scithians— what do you call them?—with all the suburbs were burnt to the ground, and the ashes are left there, for the country wives to wash bucks withall.

And that which grieves me most, My loving wife, (O cruel strife!) The wicked flames did roast. And therefore, captain crust, We will continually cry, Except you seek a remedy Our houses to reedify Which now are burnt to dust.

BOTH CRY. Wild fire and pitch, wild fire and pitch.

ALBA. Well, we must remedy these outrages, And throw revenge upon their hateful heads. And you, good fellows, for your houses burnst, We will remunerate you store of gold, And build your houses by our palace gate.

STRUMBO. Gate! O petty treason to my person! nowhere else but by your backside? Gate! Oh how I am vexed in my collar! Gate! I cry God mercy! Do you hear, master king? If you mean to gratify such poor men as we be, you must build our houses by the Tavern.

ALBA. It shall be done, sir.

STRUMBO. Near the Tavern, aye! by lady, sir, it was spoken like a good fellow. Do you hear, sir? when our house is builded, if you do chance to pass or repass that way, we will bestow a quart of the best wine upon you.

ALBA. It grieves me, lordings, that my subjects’ goods Should thus be spoiled by the Scithians, Who, as you see, with lightfoot foragers Depopulate the places where they come. But cursed Humber thou shalt rue the day That ere thou camest unto Cathnesia.

SCENE IV. The camp of Humber

Enter Humber, Hubba, Trussier and their soldiers.

HUMBER. Hubba, go take a coronet of our horse, As many lancers, and light armed knights As may suffice for such an enterprise, And place them in the grove of Caledon. With these, when as the skirmish doth increase, Retire thou from the shelters of the wood, And set upon the weakened Troyans’ backs, For policy joined with chivalry Can never be put back from victory.

Albanact enter and say, clowns with him.

ALBA. Thou base born Hun, how durst thou be so bold As once to menace warlike Albanact, The great commander of these regions? But thou shalt buy thy rashness with thy death, And rue too late thy over bold attempts; For with this sword, this instrument of death, That hath been drenched in my foe-men’s blood, I’ll separate thy body from they head, And set that coward blood of thine abroach.

STRUMBO. Nay, with this staff, great Strumbo’s instrument, I’ll crack thy cockscomb, paltry Scithian.

HUMBER. Nor wreak I of thy threat, thou princox boy, Nor do I fear thy foolish insolency; And but thou better use thy bragging blade, Then thou doest rule thy overflowing tongue, Superbious Brittain, thou shalt know too soon The force of Humber and his Scithians.

STRUMBO. O horrible, terrible.

SCENE V. Another part of the field of battle

Sound the alarm. Enter Humber and his soldiers.

HUMBER. How bravely this young Brittain, Albanact, Darteth abroad the thunderbolts of war, Beating down millions with his furious mood, And in his glory triumphs over all, Moving the mass squadrants of the ground; Heaps hills on hills, to scale the starry sky, As when Briareus, armed with an hundreth hands, Flung forth an hundreth mountains at great Jove, And when the monstrous giant Monichus Hurled mount Olympus at great Mars his target, And shot huge caedars at Minerva’s shield. How doth he overlook with haughty front My fleeting hosts, and lifts his lofty face Against us all that now do fear his force, Like as we see the wrathful sea from far, In a great mountain heaped, with hideous noise, With thousand billows beat against the ships, And toss them in the waves like tennis balls.

Aye me, I fear my Hubba is surprised.

Sound again. Enter Albanact.

ALBA. Follow me, soldiers, follow Albanact; Pursue the Scithians flying through the field: Let none of them escape with victory; That they may know the Brittains’ force is more Than all the power of the trembling Huns.

THRASIMACHUS. Forward, brave soldiers, forward! keep the chase. He that takes captive Humber or his son Shall be rewarded with a crown of gold.

Sound alarm, then let them fight, Humber give back, Hubba enter at their backs, and kill Debon, let Strumbo fall down, Albanact run in, and afterwards enter wounded.

ALBA. Injurious fortune, hast thou crossed me thus? Thus, in the morning of my victories, Thus, in the prime of my felicity, To cut me off by such hard overthrow! Hadst thou no time thy rancor to declare, But in the spring of all my dignities? Hadst thou no place to spit thy venom out, But on the person of young Albanact? I, that ere while did scare mine enemies, And drove them almost to a shameful flight, I, that ere while full lion-like did fare Amongst the dangers of the thick thronged pikes, Must now depart most lamentably slain By Humber’s treacheries and fortune’s spites. Cursed be her charms, damned be her cursed charms That doth delude the wayward hearts of men, Of men that trust unto her fickle wheel, Which never leaveth turning upside down. O gods, O heavens, allot me but the place Where I may find her hateful mansion! I’ll pass the Alps to watery Meroe, Where fiery Phoebus in his chariot, The wheels whereof are decked with Emeralds, Casts such a heat, yea such a scorching heat, And spoileth Flora of her checquered grass; I’ll overrun the mountain Caucasus, Where fell Chimaera in her triple shape Rolleth hot flames from out her monstrous paunch, Searing the beasts with issue of her gorge; I’ll pass the frozen Zone where icy flakes, Stopping the passage of the fleeting ships, Do lie like mountains in the congealed sea: Where if I find that hateful house of hers, I’ll pull the pickle wheel from out her hands, And tie herself in everlasting bands. But all in vain I breath these threatenings; The day is lost, the Huns are conquerors, Debon is slain, my men are done to death, The currents swift swim violently with blood And last, O that this last night so long last, Myself with wounds past all recovery Must leave my crown for Humber to possess.

STRUMBO. Lord have mercy upon us, masters, I think this is a holy day; every man lies sleeping in the fields, but, God knows, full sore against their wills.

THRASIMACHUS. Fly, noble Albanact, and save thyself. The Scithians follow with great celerity, And there’s no way but flight, or speedy death; Fly, noble Albanact, and save thyself.

ALBA. Nay, let them fly that fear to die the death, That tremble at the name of fatal mors. Never shall proud Humber boast or brag himself That he hath put young Albanact to flight; And least he should triumph at my decay, This sword shall reave his master of his life, That oft hath saved his master’s doubtful life: But, oh, my brethren, if you care for me, Revenge my death upon his traitorous head.

Et vos queis domus est nigrantis regia ditis, Qui regitis rigido stigios moderamine lucos: Nox coeci regina poli, furialis Erinnis, Diique deaeque omnes, Albanum tollite regem, Tollite flumineis undis rigidaque palude. Nune me fata vocant, loc condam pectore ferrum.

Thrusts himself through. Enter Trompart.

TROMPART. O, what hath he done? his nose bleeds. But, oh, I smell a fox: Look where my master lies. Master, master.

STRUMBO. Let me alone, I tell thee, for I am dead.

TROMPART. Yet one word, good master.

STRUMBO. I will not speak, for I am dead, I tell thee.

TROMPART. And is my master dead? O sticks and stones, brickbats and bones, and is my master dead? O you cockatrices and you bablatrices, that in the woods dwell: You briers and brambles, you cook’s shops and shambles, come howl and yell. With howling & screeking, with wailing and weeping, come you to lament, O Colliers of Croyden, and rustics of Royden, and fishers of Kent; For Strumbo the cobbler, the fine merry cobbler of Cathnes town: At this same stour, at this very hour, lies dead on the ground. O master, thieves, thieves, thieves.

STRUMBO. Where be they? cox me tunny, bobekin! let me be rising. Be gone; we shall be robbed by and by.

SCENE VI. The camp of the Huns

Enter Humber, Hubba, Segar, Thrassier, Estrild, and the soldiers.

HUMBER. Thus from the dreadful shocks of furious Mars, Thundering alarms, and Rhamnusias’ drum, We are retired with joyful victory. The slaughtered Troyans, squeltring in their blood, Infect the air with their carcasses, And are a prey for every ravenous bird.

ESTRILD. So perish they that are our enemies! So perish they that love not Humber’s weal, And mighty Jove, commander of the world, Protect my love from all false treacheries.

HUMBER. Thanks, lovely Estrild, solace to my soul. But, valiant Hubba, for thy chivalry, Declared against the men of Albany, Lo, here a flowering garland wreathed of bay, As a reward for thy forward mind.

HUBBA. This unexpected honor, noble sire, Will prick my courage unto braver deeds, And cause me to attempt such hard exploits, That all the world shall sound of Hubba’s name.

HUMBER. And now, brave soldiers, for this good success, Carouse whole cups of Amazonian wine, Sweeter than nectar or Ambrosia, And cast away the clods of cursed care, With goblets crowned with Semeleius’ gifts. Now let us march to Abis’ silver streams, That clearly glide along the Champaign fields, And moist the grassy meads with humid drops. Sound drums & trumpets, sound up cheerfully, Sith we return with joy and victory.