Part 4

A well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old, elderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door herself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the “old school” of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due her sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to be his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to unobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and wait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be in danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to thwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others. In such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as she can without haste, so as to get out of the way.

Among men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man will be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies for women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and no more. For a boy or man to treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own mother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will taint the very best social “good form” with corruption. To demand from others for one’s personal friends better treatment than he himself gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible form of selfishness.

“I let no man abuse my folks but myself,” was the frank confession of a young man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his “folks” with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his constant habit.

The little attentions which should become habits in youth, because they help to that appearance which will serve as adornment to every good doctrine, is the placing of the chair in the most comfortable position possible for another; seating grandfather or grandmother, father or mother at the table; the adjustment of a light; picking up the article that has been dropped; not waiting to be asked to help if you should see that father, mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking for something which they do not seem to be able to find quickly, or if they are trying to save your steps by getting along with some inconvenience which you can see might, by a little effort on your part, be made to give place to convenience.

Nothing is ever lost “in the long run” by that sort of thoughtful care for others which is known as politeness. In traveling, or in passing in and out of a crowded church or hall, the truly well-bred man will never be found struggling in the midst of a jam to get through the door into the best seat, or up into the train before any one else. If he should be caught in a jam, he would not elbow people right and left; but would, while protecting his own person and those who are dependent upon him from injury, find his own chance of getting out of the tight place by helping others out.

In this selfish world nothing so quickly touches the popular heart as that sort of Christlikeness which is recognized as politeness to strangers in public places, and as carefulness in helping the weak, and in refraining from adding burdens to those who are hard-pressed by responsibilities. The man or woman who obtains control of the highest quality of influence is the one who has either from childhood been trained to think those thoughts that blossom out into beautiful considerateness, or who has taken himself in hand, and by vigorous self-training has pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, and grafted in the gentler graces of the Spirit.

One W. C. T. U. lecturer had been painfully impressed by the fact that baggagemen had to handle such heavy trunks. This was before so many little wheeled contrivances had been placed at their disposal. She accordingly supplied herself with two small trunks in place of the one large one, for no other reason than to save the backs of the men. Her kind intention was kept to herself for years, and it went unrecognized at its full value until at length one day she encountered a grumpy old baggageman, who seemed to have a special grudge against any woman with two checks. He was from the first moment very uncivil, and threatened her with a charge for excess of baggage. She said but little, only went quietly along the baggage-room with him, identified the two diminutive parcels, and waited. He looked at them, then at her, colored like one who was ashamed of himself, and said:—

“Be them all?”

“Yes, those are all.”

“Well, what made you make two of ’em?”

“That is my way of helping to lift one big trunk,” she said.

“Your what?”

“My way of helping you to lift one big trunk.”

“It is? Well, I never! You did it to save our backs?”

“Yes: I never wanted any old man or boy to strain himself over a big trunk for me, so I divided mine in two.”

“Well!” ejaculated the grumpy old fellow, who evidently did not know anything more to say. His whole heart had suddenly mellowed, his eyes grew red, and his hands trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed those checks with the air of one who was performing an act of religion.

When he came with the two little bits of metal to the waiting passenger, still carrying his cap in his hand, and when she took them with a “Thank you,” and put them in her purse, he looked timidly into her face as if to see if he could possibly be forgiven. She chose not to make much of the incident, so she did not seem to notice his perturbation, but with a simple “Good day,” left the baggage-room. But she knew very well that that old baggageman would never forget, and would perhaps be kinder to all the big trunks in the future for the sake of those little twin products of her kind intention.

VII.

“How I wish I knew just how one ought to behave in going into public places, meetings, and lectures,” said a young woman recently. Others have asked similar questions. I have heard something like this more than once: “Isn’t it dreadful not to know the little things that would prevent folks from looking at you and smiling in such a mean way?”

It is “dreadful,” as well as unnecessary that children should be left to grow up ignorant of any of those things, great or small, which will make it possible for them to enter the schoolroom, the church, the hall, and move about in such a manner as not to be objects of unpleasant observation to those who make politeness a profession.

All that has been said about the opening and closing of doors, and the rules of precedence, are always in full force, and should become so automatic that they will never have to be remembered. Even at home, and in the small country schoolhouse place of worship they should be observed, if one hopes to always do the “nice way.”

In a small congregation where “everybody knows everybody,” there is a great temptation to fall into very lax manners, and so to cultivate habits that are hard to overcome, and which will cause chagrin by and by to the young man or woman who wants to appear well among strangers. Therefore it is wise to train the children to such deportment in the small church, or cottage meeting that they shall never be in danger of bringing reproach on the home which they have left behind them, by uncouth or disorderly behavior in any public assembly.

Any place of worship should be entered quietly, children and parents together, single file, in such order that there will be no jostling, crowding, or changing of places. There are two ways of seating a family, either of which is good form. In one case the father enters first, followed in order by the mother, the youngest child, and then the others according to age, so that the eldest comes last. At the opening to the pew, or row of chairs, the father turns, standing to face the others, and waits until all have passed in and are seated, when he takes his place at the entrance. This arrangement gives the mother the seat in the farther corner, with the “baby” beside her, while the eldest child is next to the father.

In the other case the eldest child leads, and passes into the farther end of the seat, followed by the other children in such order as to leave the “baby” next to the mother, who sits in the second place from the end, beside her husband.

Sometimes when there is a large family, it is necessary to separate the children by placing the mother in the midst of them between two restless ones. But whatever order is necessary, let it be so matter-of-course that the coming in and seating shall be in that decorous manner which will impress the children with the sacredness of the service for which they have come.

Teach the child that in entering a seat or row of chairs, good form requires that he shall pass clear in to the farthest vacant place, or that if he has dropped down in the end or middle of the row, and others come to claim seats beyond him, he should always either arise, come out and stand to allow them to pass in, or himself go on to the farthest place. Teach him, never, under any circumstances, to make it necessary for any one to climb over his feet and legs to reach a vacant place. This is one of the most common and worst forms in which bad training in deportment manifests itself.

Also teach your child to refuse to climb over anybody’s feet. Instruct him either to wait for a decent chance to enter that seat or to find another. The ludicrous, not to say unbecoming appearance of a woman who tries to drag herself over the knees of some man who remains immovable in the end of the seat, or who attempts to draw himself up to “make room” for her to pass, is entirely out of harmony with the spirit which should prevail in a place of worship; and the young man coming from home with this habit, which has been formed by climbing over his brothers and sisters, as well as parents and guests, and letting them climb over him, will be left some sad day to wonder why people stop at the entrance to the pew where he sits, wait an instant, look at him so queerly, and then pass on, as if they were not willing to occupy the same seat with him. He may think it is because he is from the country, because he is not stylishly dressed, because they are very “stuck up,” when it is simply because they do not choose to climb over his legs to find a seat.

But your daughter should be so taught that if she must stand in the aisle and wait for some man to get it into his head that he had better move on, or come out so as to allow her to pass, she shall do it kindly and without contempt; for, of course, the poor fellow would do better if he only knew how.