Part 10

“What is good form in dress for an evening reception for both men and women? Should gloves be worn?”

For a formal reception, society requires that a man should wear black. If the host wears gloves, the men should do so. If the hostess only wears gloves, only the women wear gloves. At a wedding the bride determines whether gloves shall be worn. It would be very bad form to wear gloves if the bride’s hands were bare. The fashion changes with reference to what is suitable for both men and women, but as a rule what is known as the cutaway coat for men, with a white necktie, makes an evening dress for any occasion. It need not necessarily be of expensive material. A great variety is admissible in women’s costume at a reception. If she chooses to wear her bonnet, she may also wear a simple tailor-made gown, of very plain style and color, a traveling dress, or even an ordinary street dress; or she may be arrayed like the veriest butterfly in all the colors of the rainbow, and still preserve unbroken the rules of good form in dress according to the social code. But the plainer style is unquestionably the better form in every sense of the word. This is a social concession to the conscientious Christian element in social life, and an effort to retain it; and the more truly people carry conscience into dress, as well as the more they cultivate every true Christian grace, the more they are appreciated even by those who give time and thought to what seems to be frivolous in custom and costume.

“How shall one cultivate the art of conversation?”

First of all by conversing. But to talk one must know and think. Select some theme of general interest and importance, inform yourself concerning it, then train your mind to methodical handling of it; think it over in colloquial form; talk about it to the home folks, study the dictionary for a vocabulary, and use what you find. It is a good thing to have several words at your tongue’s end which mean the same thing, or nearly so; but it is very bad form to “talk book.” You can fill yourself with the book, but when it comes to expressing yourself in conversation, talk talk,—common language, pure and simple, short words such as even a child can understand.

The best conversationalist is one who by saying but little himself (that little choice, clear, and true) can draw others out to a free expression of their thoughts, making even the slow and stammering to feel “at home.”

It is bad form to take advantage of a social opportunity to air any private opinions that must necessarily arouse opposition and controversy. Conversation should be like a refreshing stream, holding all truth in solution in such form that it shall be recognized as sweet waters, at which the thirsty soul may find refreshment. The truth which it contains can be trusted to do its work in thought and life, as the iron and magnesia may on blood and tissue.

“What is the difference between good form, etiquette, and ethics?”

Good form contains the bare principle, etiquette applies the principle, and ethics brings conscience into the practise of it. It is possible for etiquette to violate every principle of both good form and ethics; but good form and ethics will always agree when they understand each other, and will make a safe environment in which any child, youth, man, or woman may live, love, and labor.

Nowhere is the observance of good form more necessary than during a journey. It is especially a safeguard to the young and inexperienced against the designing and vicious.

The rule is that the traveling dress should be of the most unobtrusive character, of some neutral color, with no showy embellishments on hat or gown, something which can be readily shaken or brushed free of dust; and that every movement should be such as to avoid attracting attention; that no acquaintance should be formed with strangers, unless it be under circumstances that could admit of no possible question.

It is bad form to stand and look about in a waiting-room, or to promenade the platform, to turn the head and gaze at people, or to ask questions of any but officials. These things, trivial as they may seem, carefully observed, help to keep a hedge of safety about the young woman or boy who is obliged to travel alone, while only a slight departure from these rules will often open the way for annoyance, and even dangers such as we can not discuss in these pages.

In the matter of asking questions, the prospective traveler should inform herself concerning everything she will need to know of her route, etc., as thoroughly as possible, before she starts, so as to make questioning unnecessary. It is dangerous to depend even upon men in uniform for information beyond certain narrow limits. Do not expect a local ticket agent, nor yet a railroad conductor, brakeman, or Pullman car porter to know what every passenger may need to know in order to reach his destination.

The man in uniform is responsible for knowing one or two things and seeing that his own end of the work is kept well in hand. Beyond that he has no official responsibility, and is often as likely to abuse confidence, and betray trusting ignorance, as any other man.

If you are a young girl traveling alone, compelled to make a transfer across the city, never take a carriage or cab, but the common public omnibus. If you have a tedious wait before you, do not try to relieve it by sauntering about the depot or street, or any public places. Settle yourself down with determination to patiently and quietly endure in the depot, unless you know some suitable place to which you can go and spend the time. Do not ask, receive, or act upon any advice from any strangers as to hotels, or any other places where you could spend the hours more comfortably. Accept no invitations excepting from well-known friends, and even then not to any ice-cream parlors or restaurants. Nothing short of a family invitation to some good home should turn you for a moment from your purpose to keep closely to the line of travel, and endure hardness with good practical common sense.

Children should be taught in the regular routine of home life how to entertain and how to be entertained; how to avoid the necessity of putting on “company manners” by always in all relations of life observing those principles of politeness which are summed up in the gospel as expressed in that law of liberty known as the Golden Rule.

As a hostess, do not overload your guest with attention. Nothing is more wearisome than to be compelled to ward off continual intrusive efforts to make you happy and comfortable as a guest. See that all necessary provision is made for your guest before arrival, that water for drinking and bathing, with glasses and towels, are in her room in readiness. Take your guest at once to the room appointed without stopping for introductions or greetings; inquire if anything further is needed; state the hour of meals, and any other regulations which must in any manner concern a transient member of your household; arrange to return in a half-hour to lead the way to the family room for greetings and introductions, and then withdraw, leaving the coast clear for such attention to personal comfort as is always needed even after a short journey.

There may be degrees of intimacy that would seem to naturally modify these good-form requirements, but it would be perfectly safe to hold yourself to them, even if the guest were your own mother, sister, or brother. If your guest is to make a long visit, everything like effort to secure his comfort should be kept out of sight. In fact, all arrangements should be made so as to make the visit a pleasure to all concerned; and this can only be done by taking him into the home life, and going on just the same in everything as if you were alone as a family.

An invitation to a friend to visit you should be for a definite time, and should not upon any account be extended unless you heartily desire it. Not a word or hint should be dropped out of so-called politeness, which, if taken literally, would stay his departure one hour after the time limit has been reached. The sort of hypocrisy that would say, “O don’t hurry off just yet,” when you feel in your heart that you can not conveniently have the visit prolonged, is very bad form, indeed, and a grievous wrong to your friend.

As a guest, one should at once fall into the regular order of the family life as nearly as it is possible to do so, avoiding everything that would add to labor for hostess or servants.

A guest should give no orders to children or servants. All requests should be made of host or hostess, and left for them to pass on as they shall see fit. Good form requires that the guest shall be blind and deaf to any unpleasant episodes that may occur, taking no part in any disputes from the children up, and that at any moment when his presence could prove an embarrassment, he will find it necessary to retire to his room, take a stroll in the wood or field, or a “day off” in town; and then when the time limit for which his visit was planned has been reached, he will take his departure, no matter how warmly he may be urged “not to hurry.”

Give neither money nor eatables to the children. Make no plans which include them without first consulting host and hostess. In fact, the guest should propose nothing, plan nothing. This should all be left to host and hostess. He should make of his presence a pleasure to all, which will leave nothing more to be desired. Let him find his place in the domestic economy for the time being, and fill it in just as helpful a manner as possible, remembering that here it is as true as it can be anywhere in the world, that he who abases himself shall be exalted, and he who seeks the most for others, finds the most for himself.

XIV.

For public teachers, and especially those who are in preparation for such work, this little book has a special message. The world will not suffer long nor be kind to any exponent of truth who offends in platform etiquette, or in home courtesy. Accordingly, I would urge my young fellow laborers to eschew everything in manner which could produce dislike or disgust in the most critical, for that most critical may be the very soul to whom you are sent.

As brethren in council together, cultivate only those things that can be used anywhere in an uncharitable world. Do not allow anything to become habitual that will call attention to any part of the body or clothing. Never finger the watch guard, coat buttons, nor the features of the face. Unfortunate practices of this nature have nullified the effect of many a sermon. Many a young man has made a farce of his testimony for Christ because he stood twirling his mustache; and many a Sabbath-school teacher has failed to hold her pupils to the truth because her hat was filled with nodding plumes, flowers, or an elaborate tangle of ribbon.

Good form insists that any Sabbath display is vulgar, so that the woman of genuine social position will leave the elaborate church toilet to her servants, while she goes in the plainest of modest apparel to the house of God.

One great misfortune to both home and church is that good form has been considered a sort of parade dress, to be laid off with the “company” clothes. The home folks have been compelled to tolerate anything from each other, upon the supposition that nothing matters at home; when the fact is that there everything in dress and conversation matters more than in any other spot on earth.

The home dress should be such as would be respectable if the wearer were called out by some emergency, with no time to change.

Good form condemns the “Mother Hubbard,” and with good reason: Its origin was infamous, its suggestions are such that the woman who wears it can not command the same respect from even her own family as though she were clothed with a modest garment.