Part 38

This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks.

Saint and Sinner

"My friend," said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to a Most Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The Divine Grace has made me what I am."

The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. "Henceforth," he said, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone."

An Antidote

A Young Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wings tightly crossed upon its stomach.

"What have you been eating?" the Mother asked, with solicitude.

"Nothing but a keg of Nails," was the reply.

"What!" exclaimed the Mother; "a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and swallow a claw-hammer."

A Weary Echo

A Convention of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing Woman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, "Place aux dames!" And Echo wearily replied, "Oh, damn."

The Ingenious Blackmailer

An Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the following conversation ensued:

Inventor.--"May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle that discharges lightning."

King.--"Ah, you wish to sell me the secret."

Inventor.--"Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that is accessible."

King.--"In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops--before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?"

Inventor.--"One million dollars."

King.--"And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?"

Inventor.--"Fifty millions."

King.--"And the war will Cost--?"

Inventor.--"But consider the glory and the spoils!"

King.--"Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if I decline to purchase?"

Inventor.--"There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere."

King (to Prime Minister).--"Take this blackmailer and cut off his head."

A Talisman

Having been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with softening of the brain.

"The gentleman is excused," said the Judge, handing back the certificate to the person who had brought it, "he has a brain."