Part 19

Next to the etiquette of self-control--and, if anything, harder to comply with--is the etiquette of forbearance, which is often overlooked; for people who have high standards themselves are apt to be intolerant of gross offenders against social rules. Those who by inheritance or by culture are blessed with a logical mind and an equable temper, should be lenient in judging cruder people, whose dense ignorance aggravating their malicious intent, causes them to do astounding violence to the principles of morality and etiquette alike, by exhibitions of ugly temper. Only by making allowances can the conduct of some people be accounted less than criminal.

Let all reflect that it is impossible to be a lady, or a gentleman, without gentle manners.

A FEW POINTS ON DRESS

Perfect congruity is the secret of successful dressing.

The first harmony to be observed is that between the dress and the wearer's purse. Good form considers not merely what can be paid for without "going in debt," but what can be purchased without cramping the resources in some other direction and destroying the proper balance of one's expenditures. The girl who uses a month's salary to buy one fine gown, and denies herself in the matter of needed hosiery to make up for the extravagance, is "dressing beyond her means," and is violating good form in so doing. A simple gown that allows for all suitable accessories is always lady-like.

The second point of harmony is the appropriateness of dress to the occasion when it is worn.

Dinners, balls, and formal receptions are occasions that call for handsome dress. This may range in cost to include some very inexpensive but artistic costumes, the quality of good style not being confined to the richest fabrics. But the inexpensive gown should have a character of its own, and not be suspected of any attempt to imitate its priceless rivals.

The degree of full-dress worn at dinner varies with the formality of the occasion and the fashions prevailing in the social circle represented. On very grand occasions a very rich and stylish costume may be required. In general, a lady wears her choicest silk or velvet gown at a dinner. The intrinsic value of the fabric is more important in dinner dress than in dress worn on other occasions, since the company are few in number and thrown into close proximity, where leisurely observation and criticism are inevitable. A gown that would pass muster in a crowd, may not stand the calm scrutiny of the dinner-table fourteen. The style of cut and the trimmings of a dinner gown may be as severely plain or as voluminously dressy as the character of the occasion and the personnel of the company may indicate and the wearer's instinctive sense of propriety may suggest.

A ball or a formal reception in the evening is a time to display one's prettiest gowns and all the jewels which one possesses. Fabrics of infinite variety, from velvet and brocade to diaphanous tissues, are suitable; and the possibilities in trimmings, in lace and flowers and jeweled ornaments, are unlimited. In the fancy costumes suitable for these showy occasions there is wide opportunity for the ingenious girl to make herself bewitching without greatly depleting her purse. The most becomingly dressed woman is not always the most expensively dressed. General effect strikes the eye of the observer who has not time to study special quality in the kaleidoscopic scene presented by the ball-room or reception throng.

At an afternoon tea, the hostess should dress richly enough for dignity, but without ostentation. As on all occasions, a woman should never be over-dressed in her own house. Her gown should not be so gorgeous that any one of her guests, even the poorest, need feel embarrassed by the contrast.

If several ladies join the hostess in receiving, they wear handsome reception toilets. Other guests come in ordinary walking dress, but it should be stylish and well-kept. A "second-best" gown, though neat enough for informal calls, may not be elegant enough for a tea or for formal visiting. But if a lady's means are limited, and her well-preserved old gown is the best that she can command, perfect neatness and a delicate disposal of lingerie will disguise the ravages of time, and make the "auld cla'es look a'maist as weel's the new."

Indeed, effective dressing, ultimately resolved, is a matter of refined ingenuity. As David, subtly endued with power, with a smooth stone from the brook vanquished the armor-clad Philistine giant, so the woman with a genius for the artistic details of dress, even though it be a last-year's gown, may triumph over another who has blindly clad herself according to the latest conventional pattern, but without regard to what is becoming to herself.

Happy the woman whose bank account permits her to give perfect expression to her taste. Not so happy, but still happy, the woman whose taste meets the emergency, despite a slender purse. But oh! most miserable the woman of stolid, unimaginative nature, whose luxurious wardrobe suggests nothing but the dollar-mark.

Not that I advance the poetical idea of "sweet simplicity" always and everywhere. Not that the rich gown is in itself objectionable, or the inexpensive dress intrinsically beautiful. It is not invariably true that "beauty unadorned is most adorned." It is not true that a "simple calico" is more charming than a sheeny silk, nor is cotton edging to be compared with point or duchess lace.

But the really beautiful in dress, as before stated, lies in its perfect congruity. According to this standard, the calico is sometimes more effective than the silk, and vice versa; and neither is effective if worn at inappropriate times, or under unsuitable conditions.

Fashion is daring, and every now and then announces some startling innovation in the way of gay street-dress. But the public sentiment of refined people is so definitely fixed in favor of quiet dress for public thoroughfares that these "daring" fashions soon become the sole property of the ignorant class.

Dress for church, or for business, should be plain in design, and subdued in color; and for most occasions when a lady walks to pay visits or calls, a plain tailor-made costume is most suitable. Carriage dress may be gayer in colors, and more dressy in style of cut and trimmings.

When a party of ladies attend the theatre, unaccompanied by a male escort, or with no conveyance but the street-car, ordinary walking costume, with quiet bonnets or hats, is correct style. Box parties, presumably arriving in carriages, may dress as prettily as they choose, subject to the general laws of taste.

A woman should not mix up her wardrobe, and wear a theatre bonnet to church, or carry a coaching parasol to a funeral.

Black, or very subdued colors, should be worn to a funeral.

Any color, except black, may be worn by a guest at a wedding. Black lace may be used in the trimmings of rich-colored gowns (though white lace is preferable); but solid black is not allowable. Women who are wearing mourning sometimes lay it aside to attend a wedding, substituting a lavender or violet gown, or, in some places, a deep red, usually in some rich fabric, as velvet or plush.

The etiquette of wearing mourning is less rigorous than formerly. The tendency is more and more to leave the matter to individual feeling. When the mourning garb is adopted, the periods of wearing are shorter, and the phases of change from heaviest to lightest are fewer and less punctilious.

Whether a full mourning dress of crepe be worn, or not, it is generally conceded that it is more respectful to wear plain black than to appear in colors during the months immediately following the death of a near relative. The length of time that mourning dress should be worn is a matter of taste; but it should not be laid aside too soon, as though the wearing were an unpleasant duty; nor should it be worn too long, for the sombre robe has a depressing effect on others, especially invalids and children.

Those who prefer to follow a strict law of etiquette in mourning will observe the following rules:

A widow wears deep mourning of woolen stuffs and crepe for two years.

Similar mourning is worn one year for a parent, or a brother or sister.

For other near relatives, from three to six months, according to degrees of relationship, is considered a respectful period for mourning.

A man's wife wears the same degrees of mourning for his near relatives that she would wear for members of her own family.