Part 56

It has been sagaciously remarked in a paper in the National Review, No. 18, that "if Mr. Canning had not been a busy politician, he would probably have attained eminence as a writer. There must be extraordinary vitality in jokes and parodies, which after sixty or seventy years are almost as amusing as if their objects had not long since become obsolete." We propose to string together a few of these pleasantries, collected from the above and other authentic sources.

It is related that Mr. Canning's aunt on the anniversary of her birthday made presents to each of her relations: to Mr. Canning she once gave a piece of fustian, which produced from him the following stanzas, found in MS., a line wanting:--

"Whilst all on this auspicious day, Well pleas'd their gratulations pay, And sweetly smile, and softly say A thousand pretty speeches; My Muse her grateful tribute wings, Nor scorn the lay her duty brings, Tho' humble be the theme she sings-- A pair of shooting breeches.

"Soon shall the tailor's subtle art Have fashion'd them in every part, And made them snug, and neat, and smart, With twenty thousand stitches; Then mark the moral of my song, Oh! may our lives but prove as strong, And wear as well, and last as long, As these, my shooting breeches.

"And when to ease the load of strife Of public and of private life, My fate shall bless me with a wife, I seek not rank or riches; But worth like thine, serene and gay,

* * * * *

And form'd like thine, to give away Not wear herself the breeches."

Among Canning's playful rhymes will be remembered, in The Microcosm, Nos. 1, 11, and 12, those commencing,--

"The Queen of Hearts, She made some tarts," &c.

The continuation, which is less known, apparently contains some political allusions:--

"Ye Queen of Spades Herself degrades By dancing on the green; Ye Knave stood by In extacy, Enamoured of ye Queen. Ye King so brave Says to the Knave, 'I disapprove this dance; You make more work Than Mister Burke Does with ye Queen of France.'"

The following is written as a variation:

"Ye Queen of Spades She beat ye maids For their immodesty; Ye Knave of Spades He kissed those maids, Which made the Queen to cry. Ye King then curst That Knave who durst Make Royalty shed tears; 'Vile Knave,' says he, ''Tis my decree That you lose both your ears.'

"Ye Diamond Queen Was one day seen So drunk she could not stand; Ye Diamond Knave He blushed, and gave Ye Queen a reprimand. Ye King, distrest That his dearest Should do so vile a thing, Says, 'By my wig She's like ye pig Of David, ye good king.'

"Ye Queen of Clubs Made syllabubs; Ye Knave came like Big Ben, He snatched the cup And drank it up-- His toast was, 'Rights of men.' With hands and eyes That marked surprise Ye King laments his fate: 'Alas!' says he, 'I plainly see Ye Knave's a Democrate.'"

Mr. Canning used habitually to designate the selfish and officious Duke of Buckingham as the "Ph.D.," an abbreviation which was understood to mean "the fat Duke." That bulky potentate had cautioned him on the eve of his expected voyage to India, against the frigate in which he was to sail, on the ground that she was too low in the water. "I am much obliged to you," he replies to Lord Morley, "for your report of the Duke of Buckingham's caution respecting the Jupiter. Could you have the experiments made without the Duke of Buckingham on board? as that might make a difference."

In a letter to Lord Granville, at a time when Prince Metternich was expected in Paris, he says, "You ask me what you shall say to Metternich. In the first place, you shall hear what I think of him; that he is the greatest r---- and l---- on the Continent, perhaps in the civilized world!"

Almost all the brilliant exceptions to the average trash of the Anti-Jacobin appear to belong to Canning; though, if the authority of the most recent editor may be trusted, the best stanza of the best poem was added to the original manuscript by Pitt.

"Sun, moon, and thou, vile world, adieu! Which kings and priests are plotting in; Here doomed to starve on water gru- el, I no more shall see the U- niversity of Gottingen."

Canning's Friend of Humanity and the Knife-grinder is well remembered as witty ridicule of the youthful Jacobin effusions of Southey, in which it was sedulously inculcated that there was a natural and eternal warfare between the poor and the rich; the Sapphic lines of Southey affording a tempting subject for ludicrous parody:--

"Friend of Humanity. "Needy Knife-grinder? whither art thou going? Rough is your road--your wheel is out of order. Bleak blows the blast--your hat has got a hole in't! So have your breeches!

"Weary Knife-grinder! little think the proud ones, Who in their coaches roll along the turnpike- Road, what hard work 'tis crying all day, 'Knives and Scissors to grind O!'

"Tell me, Knife-grinder, how came you to grind knives? Did some rich man tyrannically use you? Was it the squire, or parson of the parish, Or the attorney?

"Was it the squire, for killing of his game, or Covetous parson, for his tithes distraining? Or roguish lawyer, made you lose your little All in a lawsuit?

"(Have you not read the Rights of Man, by Tom Paine?) Drops of compassion tremble on my eyelids, Ready to fall, as soon as you have told Your pitiful story.

"Knife-grinder. "Story! God bless you! I have none to tell, sir. Only last night, a-drinking at the Chequers, This poor old hat and breeches, as you see, were Torn in a scuffle.

"Constables came up for to take me into Custody; they took me before the justice; Justice Oldmixon put me in the parish Stocks for a vagrant.

"I should be glad to drink your honour's health in A pot of beer, if you will give me sixpence; But for my part I never love to meddle With politics, sir.