Part 1

DUMBELLS OF BUSINESS

DUMBELLS OF BUSINESS

PROFF O.U. BOJACK (BUS.DOC.)

AUTHOR OF “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN SALESMANSHIP,” “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN BUYING,” “LITTLE NIFTY LESSONS IN LOVE & MARRIAGE,” ETC.

Fighting Editor

“BOJACK’S NOISY EXPORTER”

Pruned of Profanity by LOUIS C. M. REED

1922 THE STRATFORD CO., PUBLISHERS Boston, Massachusetts

Copyright, 1922 The STRATFORD CO., Publishers Boston, Mass.

The Alpine Press, Boston, Mass., U. S. A.

THESE playful biffs on the beak of Business appeared originally in a little House Magazine called “Auto Suggestions.”

Many of them have been completely revised for the purpose of this volume, over the rasping nasal protest of Proff Bojack who believes in letting Well Enough alone until it crawls up and bites you in the leg, as mentioned somewhere in the text—then roll over on the other side.

The characters are drawn from the daily life of the average American business organization where men are somehow sweating through to Success against the cordovan inertia of the Dumbells of Business.

—THE PRUNER

DEDICATED WITH A WARMTH OF FELLOW FEELING TO ALL BEDEVILED BRETHERN OF THE BUSINESS WORLD

The Author

Contents

Hot Sketch No. Page 1 The Plant Cured of Mossbackitis 1 2 The Lurid Lot of the Leaker 13 3 The Self Abnegationist And His Finish 21 4 The Bird Who Berated Business Assn’s 29 5 The Advertising Genius of Squirrelville 39 6 The Salesman Who Became Buyer 47 7 The Pampered Dealer 59 8 The Efficiency Expert 69 9 The Road Rat Who Gave Up Home Comforts 85 10 The Man Who Organized Manufacturers 103 11 The Perpetual Planner 113 12 The Twin-Six Philanthropist 123 13 The Yob Who Let Business Slide 131 14 The Would-Be Sales Promoter 139 15 The Young Satellites of Stallville 157 16 The Benedict Who Wisdomed-Up 165 17 The Business Baggers of Punkton 173 18 The Picayune Planet 183 19 The Passing of the Buck Passer 191 20 The Executive With The Clerk’s Mind 199 21 The War Winning Patrioteer 209 22 Typical American And Critical American 219 23 When Mental Leech Meets Mental Leech 233 24 The Export Group Grafter 245

HOT SKETCH NO. 1

THE PLANT CURED OF MOSSBACKITIS

OUT among the gnarled oaks of Squirrel Cove there buzzed a busy manufacturing plant.

It had been established since Time wore a bib, and, as far back as History could recall, had been handed down from Whiskers to Whiskers without a break.

The same old Superintendent with his chew of Fine Cut tucked away in a back-cavity, was always on hand each generation to bury the father and drill the son into the mysteries of Production and Distribution. Old Faithful used to love to take off his beaver cap and stroke the top of his glazed Summit while he told some eager visitor all about the industrial heirloom and his long and watchful connection with it.

In the course of centuries the Concern had of course worked up some business around the County, but at no time did there ever occur what you would call a Sensational Increase in trade. In fact, careful scrutiny revealed nothing in the whole town that could be associated with a sensation of any kind.

The annual output of the particular Hive of Industry under discussion went wholly to Old Customers who had been buying regularly since Washington hurdled the Delaware. If any attempt was ever made to get New Business it was altogether an unconscious act, and no record of the perpetrator remains.

At the time of which we are now yodeling, the current Owner and Proprietor was closing in on his sixty-fifth Milestone, and, like his father and grandfather before him, he believed in letting Well Enough alone until it crawled up and bit him in the leg. Then he would roll over on the other side.

It is only natural that such a highly strung temperament as this should be accompanied by more or less radically advanced views on Business in general. This was indeed the case, yes. And he was a horrible spendthrift when it came to Advertising. In the course of say two lunar years his total linage amounted to about as much as a Fourth Avenue delicatessen. He never counted the cost of any plant installation under one figure.

If anybody had suggested travelling the Trade, the proposition would have met with the same enthusiastic endorsement that a Shell Game would get at a Dunkard picnic.