Part 9

There’s only one slight difference between Me and my epic brethren gone before, And here the advantage is my own, I ween (Not that I have not several merits more, But this will more peculiarly be seen); They so embellish, that ’tis quite a bore Their labyrinth of fables to thread through, Whereas this story ’s actually true.

If any person doubt it, I appeal To history, tradition, and to facts, To newspapers, whose truth all know and feel, To plays in five, and operas in three acts; All these confirm my statement a good deal, But that which more completely faith exacts Is that myself, and several now in Seville, Saw Juan’s last elopement with the devil.

If ever I should condescend to prose, I’ll write poetical commandments, which Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those That went before; in these I shall enrich My text with many things that no one knows, And carry precept to the highest pitch: I’ll call the work ‘Longinus o’er a Bottle, Or, Every Poet his own Aristotle.’

Thou shalt believe in Milton, Dryden, Pope; Thou shalt not set up Wordsworth, Coleridge, Southey; Because the first is crazed beyond all hope, The second drunk, the third so quaint and mouthy: With Crabbe it may be difficult to cope, And Campbell’s Hippocrene is somewhat drouthy: Thou shalt not steal from Samuel Rogers, nor Commit—flirtation with the muse of Moore.

Thou shalt not covet Mr. Sotheby’s Muse, His Pegasus, nor anything that ’s his; Thou shalt not bear false witness like ‘the Blues’ (There’s one, at least, is very fond of this); Thou shalt not write, in short, but what I choose: This is true criticism, and you may kiss— Exactly as you please, or not,—the rod; But if you don’t, I’ll lay it on, by G—d!

If any person should presume to assert This story is not moral, first, I pray, That they will not cry out before they’re hurt, Then that they’ll read it o’er again, and say (But, doubtless, nobody will be so pert) That this is not a moral tale, though gay; Besides, in Canto Twelfth, I mean to show The very place where wicked people go.

If, after all, there should be some so blind To their own good this warning to despise, Led by some tortuosity of mind, Not to believe my verse and their own eyes, And cry that they ‘the moral cannot find,’ I tell him, if a clergyman, he lies; Should captains the remark, or critics, make, They also lie too—under a mistake.

The public approbation I expect, And beg they’ll take my word about the moral, Which I with their amusement will connect (So children cutting teeth receive a coral); Meantime, they’ll doubtless please to recollect My epical pretensions to the laurel: For fear some prudish readers should grow skittish, I’ve bribed my grandmother’s review—the British.

I sent it in a letter to the Editor, Who thank’d me duly by return of post— I’m for a handsome article his creditor; Yet, if my gentle Muse he please to roast, And break a promise after having made it her, Denying the receipt of what it cost, And smear his page with gall instead of honey, All I can say is—that he had the money.

I think that with this holy new alliance I may ensure the public, and defy All other magazines of art or science, Daily, or monthly, or three monthly; I Have not essay’d to multiply their clients, Because they tell me ’twere in vain to try, And that the Edinburgh Review and Quarterly Treat a dissenting author very martyrly.

‘Non ego hoc ferrem calida juventa Consule Planco,’ Horace said, and so Say I; by which quotation there is meant a Hint that some six or seven good years ago (Long ere I dreamt of dating from the Brenta) I was most ready to return a blow, And would not brook at all this sort of thing In my hot youth—when George the Third was King.

But now at thirty years my hair is grey (I wonder what it will be like at forty? I thought of a peruke the other day)— My heart is not much greener; and, in short, I Have squander’d my whole summer while ’twas May, And feel no more the spirit to retort; I Have spent my life, both interest and principal, And deem not, what I deem’d, my soul invincible.

No more—no more—Oh! never more on me The freshness of the heart can fall like dew, Which out of all the lovely things we see Extracts emotions beautiful and new, Hived in our bosoms like the bag o’ the bee: Think’st thou the honey with those objects grew? Alas! ’twas not in them, but in thy power To double even the sweetness of a flower.

No more—no more—Oh! never more, my heart, Canst thou be my sole world, my universe! Once all in all, but now a thing apart, Thou canst not be my blessing or my curse: The illusion ’s gone for ever, and thou art Insensible, I trust, but none the worse, And in thy stead I’ve got a deal of judgment, Though heaven knows how it ever found a lodgment.

My days of love are over; me no more The charms of maid, wife, and still less of widow, Can make the fool of which they made before,— In short, I must not lead the life I did do; The credulous hope of mutual minds is o’er, The copious use of claret is forbid too, So for a good old-gentlemanly vice, I think I must take up with avarice.

Ambition was my idol, which was broken Before the shrines of Sorrow, and of Pleasure; And the two last have left me many a token O’er which reflection may be made at leisure: Now, like Friar Bacon’s brazen head, I’ve spoken, ‘Time is, Time was, Time ’s past:’—a chymic treasure Is glittering youth, which I have spent betimes— My heart in passion, and my head on rhymes.

What is the end of Fame? ’tis but to fill A certain portion of uncertain paper: Some liken it to climbing up a hill, Whose summit, like all hills, is lost in vapour; For this men write, speak, preach, and heroes kill, And bards burn what they call their ‘midnight taper,’ To have, when the original is dust, A name, a wretched picture, and worse bust.

What are the hopes of man? Old Egypt’s King Cheops erected the first pyramid And largest, thinking it was just the thing To keep his memory whole, and mummy hid; But somebody or other rummaging, Burglariously broke his coffin’s lid: Let not a monument give you or me hopes, Since not a pinch of dust remains of Cheops.

But I being fond of true philosophy, Say very often to myself, ‘Alas! All things that have been born were born to die, And flesh (which Death mows down to hay) is grass; You’ve pass’d your youth not so unpleasantly, And if you had it o’er again—’twould pass— So thank your stars that matters are no worse, And read your Bible, sir, and mind your purse.’

But for the present, gentle reader! and Still gentler purchaser! the bard—that ’s I— Must, with permission, shake you by the hand, And so ‘Your humble servant, and good-b’ye!’ We meet again, if we should understand Each other; and if not, I shall not try Your patience further than by this short sample— ’Twere well if others follow’d my example.

‘Go, little book, from this my solitude! I cast thee on the waters—go thy ways! And if, as I believe, thy vein be good, The world will find thee after many days.’ When Southey’s read, and Wordsworth understood, I can’t help putting in my claim to praise— The four first rhymes are Southey’s every line: For God’s sake, reader! take them not for mine.

CANTO THE SECOND.

O ye! who teach the ingenuous youth of nations, Holland, France, England, Germany, or Spain, I pray ye flog them upon all occasions, It mends their morals, never mind the pain: The best of mothers and of educations In Juan’s case were but employ’d in vain, Since, in a way that ’s rather of the oddest, he Became divested of his native modesty.

Had he but been placed at a public school, In the third form, or even in the fourth, His daily task had kept his fancy cool, At least, had he been nurtured in the north; Spain may prove an exception to the rule, But then exceptions always prove its worth— A lad of sixteen causing a divorce Puzzled his tutors very much, of course.

I can’t say that it puzzles me at all, If all things be consider’d: first, there was His lady—mother, mathematical, A—never mind; his tutor, an old ass; A pretty woman (that ’s quite natural, Or else the thing had hardly come to pass); A husband rather old, not much in unity With his young wife—a time, and opportunity.

Well—well, the world must turn upon its axis, And all mankind turn with it, heads or tails, And live and die, make love and pay our taxes, And as the veering wind shifts, shift our sails; The king commands us, and the doctor quacks us, The priest instructs, and so our life exhales, A little breath, love, wine, ambition, fame, Fighting, devotion, dust,—perhaps a name.

I said that Juan had been sent to Cadiz— A pretty town, I recollect it well— ’Tis there the mart of the colonial trade is (Or was, before Peru learn’d to rebel), And such sweet girls—I mean, such graceful ladies, Their very walk would make your bosom swell; I can’t describe it, though so much it strike, Nor liken it—I never saw the like:

An Arab horse, a stately stag, a barb New broke, a cameleopard, a gazelle, No—none of these will do;—and then their garb! Their veil and petticoat—Alas! to dwell Upon such things would very near absorb A canto—then their feet and ankles,—well, Thank Heaven I’ve got no metaphor quite ready (And so, my sober Muse—come, let ’s be steady—