Part 50

Alas! could she but fully, truly, know How her great name is now throughout abhorr’d: How eager all the earth is for the blow Which shall lay bare her bosom to the sword; How all the nations deem her their worst foe, That worse than worst of foes, the once adored False friend, who held out freedom to mankind, And now would chain them, to the very mind:—

Would she be proud, or boast herself the free, Who is but first of slaves? The nations are In prison,—but the gaoler, what is he? No less a victim to the bolt and bar. Is the poor privilege to turn the key Upon the captive, freedom? He ’s as far From the enjoyment of the earth and air Who watches o’er the chain, as they who wear.

Don Juan now saw Albion’s earliest beauties, Thy cliffs, dear Dover! harbour, and hotel; Thy custom-house, with all its delicate duties; Thy waiters running mucks at every bell; Thy packets, all whose passengers are booties To those who upon land or water dwell; And last, not least, to strangers uninstructed, Thy long, long bills, whence nothing is deducted.

Juan, though careless, young, and magnifique, And rich in rubles, diamonds, cash, and credit, Who did not limit much his bills per week, Yet stared at this a little, though he paid it (His Maggior Duomo, a smart, subtle Greek, Before him summ’d the awful scroll and read it); But doubtless as the air, though seldom sunny, Is free, the respiration’s worth the money.

On with the horses! Off to Canterbury! Tramp, tramp o’er pebble, and splash, splash through puddle; Hurrah! how swiftly speeds the post so merry! Not like slow Germany, wherein they muddle Along the road, as if they went to bury Their fare; and also pause besides, to fuddle With ‘schnapps’—sad dogs! whom ‘Hundsfot,’ or ‘Verflucter,’ Affect no more than lightning a conductor.

Now there is nothing gives a man such spirits, Leavening his blood as cayenne doth a curry, As going at full speed—no matter where its Direction be, so ’tis but in a hurry, And merely for the sake of its own merits; For the less cause there is for all this flurry, The greater is the pleasure in arriving At the great end of travel—which is driving.

They saw at Canterbury the cathedral; Black Edward’s helm, and Becket’s bloody stone, Were pointed out as usual by the bedral, In the same quaint, uninterested tone:— There’s glory again for you, gentle reader! All Ends in a rusty casque and dubious bone, Half-solved into these sodas or magnesias; Which form that bitter draught, the human species.

The effect on Juan was of course sublime: He breathed a thousand Cressys, as he saw That casque, which never stoop’d except to Time. Even the bold Churchman’s tomb excited awe, Who died in the then great attempt to climb O’er kings, who now at least must talk of law Before they butcher. Little Leila gazed, And ask’d why such a structure had been raised:

And being told it was ‘God’s house,’ she said He was well lodged, but only wonder’d how He suffer’d Infidels in his homestead, The cruel Nazarenes, who had laid low His holy temples in the lands which bred The True Believers:—and her infant brow Was bent with grief that Mahomet should resign A mosque so noble, flung like pearls to swine.

O! oh! through meadows managed like a garden, A paradise of hops and high production; For after years of travel by a bard in Countries of greater heat, but lesser suction, A green field is a sight which makes him pardon The absence of that more sublime construction, Which mixes up vines, olives, precipices, Glaciers, volcanos, oranges, and ices.

And when I think upon a pot of beer— But I won’t weep!—and so drive on, postilions! As the smart boys spurr’d fast in their career, Juan admired these highways of free millions; A country in all senses the most dear To foreigner or native, save some silly ones, Who ‘kick against the pricks’ just at this juncture, And for their pains get only a fresh puncture.

What a delightful thing ’s a turnpike road! So smooth, so level, such a mode of shaving The earth, as scarce the eagle in the broad Air can accomplish, with his wide wings waving. Had such been cut in Phaeton’s time, the god Had told his son to satisfy his craving With the York mail;—but onward as we roll, ‘Surgit amari aliquid’—the toll!

Alas, how deeply painful is all payment! Take lives, take wives, take aught except men’s purses: As Machiavel shows those in purple raiment, Such is the shortest way to general curses. They hate a murderer much less than a claimant On that sweet ore which every body nurses;— Kill a man’s family, and he may brook it, But keep your hands out of his breeches’ pocket.

So said the Florentine: ye monarchs, hearken To your instructor. Juan now was borne, Just as the day began to wane and darken, O’er the high hill, which looks with pride or scorn Toward the great city.—Ye who have a spark in Your veins of Cockney spirit, smile or mourn According as you take things well or ill;— Bold Britons, we are now on Shooter’s Hill!

The sun went down, the smoke rose up, as from A half-unquench’d volcano, o’er a space Which well beseem’d the ‘Devil’s drawing-room,’ As some have qualified that wondrous place: But Juan felt, though not approaching home, As one who, though he were not of the race, Revered the soil, of those true sons the mother, Who butcher’d half the earth, and bullied t’ other.

A mighty mass of brick, and smoke, and shipping, Dirty and dusky, but as wide as eye Could reach, with here and there a sail just skipping In sight, then lost amidst the forestry Of masts; a wilderness of steeples peeping On tiptoe through their sea-coal canopy; A huge, dun cupola, like a foolscap crown On a fool’s head—and there is London Town!

But Juan saw not this: each wreath of smoke Appear’d to him but as the magic vapour Of some alchymic furnace, from whence broke The wealth of worlds (a wealth of tax and paper): The gloomy clouds, which o’er it as a yoke Are bow’d, and put the sun out like a taper, Were nothing but the natural atmosphere, Extremely wholesome, though but rarely clear.

He paused—and so will I; as doth a crew Before they give their broadside. By and by, My gentle countrymen, we will renew Our old acquaintance; and at least I’ll try To tell you truths you will not take as true, Because they are so;—a male Mrs. Fry, With a soft besom will I sweep your halls, And brush a web or two from off the walls.

O Mrs. Fry! Why go to Newgate? Why Preach to poor rogues? And wherefore not begin With Carlton, or with other houses? Try Your head at harden’d and imperial sin. To mend the people ’s an absurdity, A jargon, a mere philanthropic din, Unless you make their betters better:—Fy! I thought you had more religion, Mrs. Fry.

Teach them the decencies of good threescore; Cure them of tours, hussar and highland dresses; Tell them that youth once gone returns no more, That hired huzzas redeem no land’s distresses; Tell them Sir William Curtis is a bore, Too dull even for the dullest of excesses, The witless Falstaff of a hoary Hal, A fool whose bells have ceased to ring at all.

Tell them, though it may be perhaps too late, On life’s worn confine, jaded, bloated, sated, To set up vain pretence of being great, ’Tis not so to be good; and be it stated, The worthiest kings have ever loved least state; And tell them—But you won’t, and I have prated Just now enough; but by and by I’ll prattle Like Roland’s horn in Roncesvalles’ battle.

CANTO THE ELEVENTH.

When Bishop Berkeley said ‘there was no matter,’ And proved it—’twas no matter what he said: They say his system ’tis in vain to batter, Too subtle for the airiest human head; And yet who can believe it? I would shatter Gladly all matters down to stone or lead, Or adamant, to find the world a spirit, And wear my head, denying that I wear it.

What a sublime discovery ’twas to make the Universe universal egotism, That all ’s ideal—all ourselves: I’ll stake the World (be it what you will) that that ’s no schism. O Doubt!—if thou be’st Doubt, for which some take thee; But which I doubt extremely—thou sole prism Of the Truth’s rays, spoil not my draught of spirit! Heaven’s brandy, though our brain can hardly bear it.

For ever and anon comes Indigestion, (Not the most ‘dainty Ariel’) and perplexes Our soarings with another sort of question: And that which after all my spirit vexes, Is, that I find no spot where man can rest eye on, Without confusion of the sorts and sexes, Of beings, stars, and this unriddled wonder, The world, which at the worst ’s a glorious blunder—

If it be chance; or if it be according To the old text, still better:—lest it should Turn out so, we’ll say nothing ’gainst the wording, As several people think such hazards rude. They’re right; our days are too brief for affording Space to dispute what no one ever could Decide, and every body one day will Know very clearly—or at least lie still.

And therefore will I leave off metaphysical Discussion, which is neither here nor there: If I agree that what is, is; then this I call Being quite perspicuous and extremely fair; The truth is, I’ve grown lately rather phthisical: I don’t know what the reason is—the air Perhaps; but as I suffer from the shocks Of illness, I grow much more orthodox.

The first attack at once proved the Divinity (But that I never doubted, nor the Devil); The next, the Virgin’s mystical virginity; The third, the usual Origin of Evil; The fourth at once establish’d the whole Trinity On so uncontrovertible a level, That I devoutly wish’d the three were four, On purpose to believe so much the more.