Part 31

A tigress robb’d of young, a lioness, Or any interesting beast of prey, Are similes at hand for the distress Of ladies who can not have their own way; But though my turn will not be served with less, These don’t express one half what I should say: For what is stealing young ones, few or many, To cutting short their hopes of having any?

The love of offspring ’s nature’s general law, From tigresses and cubs to ducks and ducklings; There’s nothing whets the beak, or arms the claw Like an invasion of their babes and sucklings; And all who have seen a human nursery, saw How mothers love their children’s squalls and chucklings; This strong extreme effect (to tire no longer Your patience) shows the cause must still be stronger.

If I said fire flash’d from Gulbeyaz’ eyes, ’Twere nothing—for her eyes flash’d always fire; Or said her cheeks assumed the deepest dyes, I should but bring disgrace upon the dyer, So supernatural was her passion’s rise; For ne’er till now she knew a check’d desire: Even ye who know what a check’d woman is (Enough, God knows!) would much fall short of this.

Her rage was but a minute’s, and ’twas well— A moment’s more had slain her; but the while It lasted ’twas like a short glimpse of hell: Nought ’s more sublime than energetic bile, Though horrible to see yet grand to tell, Like ocean warring ’gainst a rocky isle; And the deep passions flashing through her form Made her a beautiful embodied storm.

A vulgar tempest ’twere to a typhoon To match a common fury with her rage, And yet she did not want to reach the moon, Like moderate Hotspur on the immortal page; Her anger pitch’d into a lower tune, Perhaps the fault of her soft sex and age— Her wish was but to ‘kill, kill, kill,’ like Lear’s, And then her thirst of blood was quench’d in tears.

A storm it raged, and like the storm it pass’d, Pass’d without words—in fact she could not speak; And then her sex’s shame broke in at last, A sentiment till then in her but weak, But now it flow’d in natural and fast, As water through an unexpected leak; For she felt humbled—and humiliation Is sometimes good for people in her station

It teaches them that they are flesh and blood, It also gently hints to them that others, Although of clay, are yet not quite of mud; That urns and pipkins are but fragile brothers, And works of the same pottery, bad or good, Though not all born of the same sires and mothers: It teaches—Heaven knows only what it teaches, But sometimes it may mend, and often reaches.

Her first thought was to cut off Juan’s head; Her second, to cut only his—acquaintance; Her third, to ask him where he had been bred; Her fourth, to rally him into repentance; Her fifth, to call her maids and go to bed; Her sixth, to stab herself; her seventh, to sentence The lash to Baba:—but her grand resource Was to sit down again, and cry of course.

She thought to stab herself, but then she had The dagger close at hand, which made it awkward; For Eastern stays are little made to pad, So that a poniard pierces if ’tis stuck hard: She thought of killing Juan—but, poor lad! Though he deserved it well for being so backward, The cutting off his head was not the art Most likely to attain her aim—his heart.

Juan was moved; he had made up his mind To be impaled, or quarter’d as a dish For dogs, or to be slain with pangs refined, Or thrown to lions, or made baits for fish, And thus heroically stood resign’d, Rather than sin—except to his own wish: But all his great preparatives for dying Dissolved like snow before a woman crying.

As through his palms Bob Acres’ valour oozed, So Juan’s virtue ebb’d, I know not how; And first he wonder’d why he had refused; And then, if matters could be made up now; And next his savage virtue he accused, Just as a friar may accuse his vow, Or as a dame repents her of her oath, Which mostly ends in some small breach of both.

So he began to stammer some excuses; But words are not enough in such a matter, Although you borrow’d all that e’er the muses Have sung, or even a Dandy’s dandiest chatter, Or all the figures Castlereagh abuses; Just as a languid smile began to flatter His peace was making, but before he ventured Further, old Baba rather briskly enter’d.

‘Bride of the Sun! and Sister of the Moon!’ (’Twas thus he spake) ‘and Empress of the Earth! Whose frown would put the spheres all out of tune, Whose smile makes all the planets dance with mirth, Your slave brings tidings—he hopes not too soon— Which your sublime attention may be worth: The Sun himself has sent me like a ray, To hint that he is coming up this way.’

‘Is it,’ exclaim’d Gulbeyaz, ‘as you say? I wish to heaven he would not shine till morning! But bid my women form the milky way. Hence, my old comet! give the stars due warning— And, Christian! mingle with them as you may, And as you’d have me pardon your past scorning—’ Here they were interrupted by a humming Sound, and then by a cry, ‘The Sultan ’s coming!’

First came her damsels, a decorous file, And then his Highness’ eunuchs, black and white; The train might reach a quarter of a mile: His majesty was always so polite As to announce his visits a long while Before he came, especially at night; For being the last wife of the Emperour, She was of course the favorite of the four.

His Highness was a man of solemn port, Shawl’d to the nose, and bearded to the eyes, Snatch’d from a prison to preside at court, His lately bowstrung brother caused his rise; He was as good a sovereign of the sort As any mention’d in the histories Of Cantemir, or Knolles, where few shine Save Solyman, the glory of their line.

He went to mosque in state, and said his prayers With more than ‘Oriental scrupulosity;’ He left to his vizier all state affairs, And show’d but little royal curiosity: I know not if he had domestic cares— No process proved connubial animosity; Four wives and twice five hundred maids, unseen, Were ruled as calmly as a Christian queen.

If now and then there happen’d a slight slip, Little was heard of criminal or crime; The story scarcely pass’d a single lip— The sack and sea had settled all in time, From which the secret nobody could rip: The Public knew no more than does this rhyme; No scandals made the daily press a curse— Morals were better, and the fish no worse.

He saw with his own eyes the moon was round, Was also certain that the earth was square, Because he had journey’d fifty miles, and found No sign that it was circular anywhere; His empire also was without a bound: ’Tis true, a little troubled here and there, By rebel pachas, and encroaching giaours, But then they never came to ‘the Seven Towers;’

Except in shape of envoys, who were sent To lodge there when a war broke out, according To the true law of nations, which ne’er meant Those scoundrels, who have never had a sword in Their dirty diplomatic hands, to vent Their spleen in making strife, and safely wording Their lies, yclep’d despatches, without risk or The singeing of a single inky whisker.

He had fifty daughters and four dozen sons, Of whom all such as came of age were stow’d, The former in a palace, where like nuns They lived till some Bashaw was sent abroad, When she, whose turn it was, was wed at once, Sometimes at six years old—though it seems odd, ’Tis true; the reason is, that the Bashaw Must make a present to his sire in law.

His sons were kept in prison, till they grew Of years to fill a bowstring or the throne, One or the other, but which of the two Could yet be known unto the fates alone; Meantime the education they went through Was princely, as the proofs have always shown: So that the heir apparent still was found No less deserving to be hang’d than crown’d.

His majesty saluted his fourth spouse With all the ceremonies of his rank, Who clear’d her sparkling eyes and smooth’d her brows, As suits a matron who has play’d a prank; These must seem doubly mindful of their vows, To save the credit of their breaking bank: To no men are such cordial greetings given As those whose wives have made them fit for heaven.

His Highness cast around his great black eyes, And looking, as he always look’d, perceived Juan amongst the damsels in disguise, At which he seem’d no whit surprised nor grieved, But just remark’d with air sedate and wise, While still a fluttering sigh Gulbeyaz heaved, ‘I see you’ve bought another girl; ’tis pity That a mere Christian should be half so pretty.’

This compliment, which drew all eyes upon The new-bought virgin, made her blush and shake. Her comrades, also, thought themselves undone: O! Mahomet! that his majesty should take Such notice of a giaour, while scarce to one Of them his lips imperial ever spake! There was a general whisper, toss, and wriggle, But etiquette forbade them all to giggle.

The Turks do well to shut—at least, sometimes— The women up, because, in sad reality, Their chastity in these unhappy climes Is not a thing of that astringent quality Which in the North prevents precocious crimes, And makes our snow less pure than our morality; The sun, which yearly melts the polar ice, Has quite the contrary effect on vice.

Thus in the East they are extremely strict, And Wedlock and a Padlock mean the same; Excepting only when the former ’s pick’d It ne’er can be replaced in proper frame; Spoilt, as a pipe of claret is when prick’d: But then their own Polygamy ’s to blame; Why don’t they knead two virtuous souls for life Into that moral centaur, man and wife?

Thus far our chronicle; and now we pause, Though not for want of matter; but ’tis time According to the ancient epic laws, To slacken sail, and anchor with our rhyme. Let this fifth canto meet with due applause, The sixth shall have a touch of the sublime; Meanwhile, as Homer sometimes sleeps, perhaps You’ll pardon to my muse a few short naps.