Part 4

Yet to be well-bred without ceremony; easy without carelessness; self-possessed and dignified with modesty; polite without affectation; pleasing without servility; cheerful without being noisy; frank without indiscretion; and secret without mysteriousness; to know the proper time and place for whatever you say or do, and do it with the air of the well-bred--all this requires time and close observation. "MANNERS MAKE THE MAN." Old, but good. The power or influence of an easy, pleasing, deferential manner; of a polite, gracious and genteel address, is shown in a multitude of ways, and is acknowledged by high and low, and could not be better illustrated than by the success of great Counterfeiters, Forgers, and "Confidence men" generally. They are invariably men of the most polished and insinuating address. They listen to you with a consummate, well-bred air of interest and attention. They flatter you unconsciously, but none the less powerfully by the deep respect they apparently show to every word of your conversation; and when they address you it is as if to a person deserving of the highest consideration. And all this with such a combination of suavity, self-respect and dignity that it is most powerful to please. And these accomplished rascals have trained themselves to polished address and perfection of manners solely for the purpose of winning in their schemes with men.

Judicious flattery is incomparable as a means of pleasing. No person is proof against it, and one of its most delicate and effective forms is in showing a seeming deference to us--our conversation--opinions and advice. The ladies are particularly susceptible to polite and urbane manners. The act of a gentleman raising his hat and bowing gracefully to a lady, is really, or seemingly, a mark of esteem and respect, and the lady is pleased, as she should be. Little attentions thoughtfully shown are certain to please, and to secure that regard the person showing them is entitled to receive.

"He is a perfect gentleman," from a lady simply means that he has been generous in his gallant little attentions to her.

"A good listener,"--and how rare they are!--can not be otherwise than a thoughtful, sensible, and pleasing person. By his apparent deep interest in our conversation, he flatters our self-love; and whoever does that, without seeming intention, has advanced in our good opinion.

There is nothing so grossly rude, nor so little forgiven, as inattention from a person whom you are addressing. Many persons are so thoughtlessly or ignorantly rude, that while you are speaking to them, instead of looking at you with attention, they will look out of the window, into the fire, or up at the ceiling, and, it may be, speak to, or answer some other person, thus seeming to imply implicitly that the most trifling object deserves their attention more than anything you may be saying. The emphatic desire in every well-ordered mind to punish such an offensively ill-bred person we consider highly commendable.

In regard to the ways and usages of society we do not propose to say anything here, as they can be readily learned by observation, or from any of the several good books on the subject, mentioned in another place.

BASHFULNESS FROM ILL-DRESS.

A person may have the education of a College President, and possess the wealth of an Astor, yet let him with soiled or slouchy clothes be suddenly brought into the society of ladies and gentlemen, and he will feel and act constrained and bashful in spite of his best endeavors.

Let a well-bred, well-dressed person make a call and discover, when it is too late, that his boots are muddy, or his finger-nails not cleaned, and he will inevitably act ill at ease, and be glad when he is safe in the street again.

A mechanic going home at night in his work-day clothes, with traces of toil on hands and face, walks along with the well-dressed crowd in a subdued and humble manner. The same mechanic, two hours later, thoroughly washed and shaved, and arrayed in his best holiday clothes, taking his wife to a place of amusement, perhaps, has the appearance of another man. He walks with an erect and manly air, and feels that he is a man among men.

The question of dress is one of the utmost importance. It often determines our characters and our success in life. A person meanly dressed will feel meanly and act meanly. Everybody has experienced the sudden and agreeable change in one's feelings from merely changing from an old, poor suit of clothes to a new one. The dogs, with amazing instinct, look upon the ragged beggar with suspicion, and meet him with growls and snaps, while the well-dressed gentleman coming up the walk, is welcomed with friendly wags of the tail.

"Costly thy habit, as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man."

This, from Shakespeare, is sound advice. City people, including those who are in far more moderate circumstances than even the small farmers, are far better dressed than the average of country people. The farmer's wife going out for an evening's visit, or to church, "fixes up," and makes a presentable appearance. The farmer going to town, ten miles away, shaves, puts on his best suit, and feels respectable. They are going into company--going to meet with people. On other days there seems to be little regard for personal appearance as far as dress is concerned. Now a resident of a city is always in company. He is on perpetual exhibition. He is classed as he is dressed; if like a beggar, then a beggar; if like a gentleman--a gentleman.

Now, young and diffident reader, we insist that you can never rid yourself of the bashful feeling while in company so long as you are poorly dressed. By "poorly" we do not refer to the material, only to the style and shape. A person may wear pantaloons and coat of the finest broadcloth, but if they are baggy and slouchy, will he be considered well dressed? Coarse material for coat and trousers have been popular for several years past, and a good suit of clothes can be bought at moderate cost. If you live within a reasonable distance of a city, always buy your clothes there, as you will be sure to have them in the latest style--that is, if you notice what the style is. Never select pantaloons with large checks or stripes. Light brown, or dark material is the most becoming. If you are obliged to have your clothes made in the country, have them cut, if possible, by a tailor. It don't so much matter who makes them up.

The fit of a collar adds to or mars a person's appearance greatly. It should turn down and both ends nearly meet at the buttonhole. A small brown or black tie, with the ends tucked under the collar, or a plain, narrow silk tie, or one of small white and black checks, will be neat and becoming. A large neck-tie of a flaming color, so often worn by country youths, is a prominent sign of an uncultivated taste.

THE HAIR, ETC.--City men, young and old, are very particular about having their hair kept neatly and closely cut. Why those in the country seem to delight in shocks of long hair we never could see; and we lived in the country twenty years. Don't do it. Cultivate personal neatness insiduously, and give an indication of it by keeping your hair neatly trimmed. Don't let neighbor Smith do it with his sheep shears, thereby saving a shilling or two; but go to a professional barber, even if he is in the next town.

THE TEETH require particular attention. Use a tooth-pick always after eating, rinsing the mouth at the same time. Scrub the teeth thoroughly morning and night with a tooth-brush rubbed on a bit of soap. There is no excuse for not doing this; a good brush will cost twenty cents, and the time occupied about six minutes a day! The feeling of purity and comfort experienced will amply recompense you for the trifling trouble. Take a hot bath as often as you can, using soap and brush freely; and be certain that no disagreeable foetid odor comes from your feet from want of cleanliness.

That you would go into the presence of ladies with soiled hands is not probable, but be careful to notice that the nails are scrupulously clean.

These various little attentions towards personal neatness and comeliness will soon become a second nature. And after you have instituted these reforms in regard to your toilet, etc., you will not fail to observe that you are treated with a much greater respect and consideration, especially by the ladies, than before. Your own estimation of yourself has greatly increased, and you find that the miserable bashful feeling formerly experienced when in the society of those you considered your superiors, no longer troubles you.

It is important for those young men who are apt to disparage themselves in comparison with their wealthy acquaintances, to bear in mind that riches and rank have no necessary connection with genuine gentlemanly qualities. The poor man may be a true gentleman in spirit and in daily life. He may be honest, truthful, polite, temperate, courageous, self-respecting, and self-helping--that is, a true gentleman. The poor man with a rich spirit, is always superior to the rich man with a mean spirit.

BASHFULNESS CAUSED BY ILL HEALTH.

A person who has any noticeable physical deformity, or who has been reduced by certain nervous diseases, cannot be expected to possess that buoyancy and manliness of spirit that he would were circumstances different. Persons with nerves that are naturally excitable, will greatly increase their excitability by the habitual use of strong tea, etc. As a result, they are nervous, fidgetty, and never quite at ease. When in company they easily lose their self-possession and do blundering things generally. There are certain habits known to young men that cause a person to become bashful and sheep-faced to a surprising degree.

We have no particular suggestions to offer where diffidence and bashfulness are the result of prolonged illness or disease. Every means should be taken to restore the health; and with the restoration will come the old manly and courageous spirit.

When the nerves are weak and unsteady from physical debility, great benefit will be immediately derived, in the majority of cases, from the use, for two or three weeks at a time, of Iodoform, two or three grains a day--taken at meal time on a bit of moist bread.

In case the voice and lungs are weak, read aloud daily, enunciating every word clearly and distinctly. Commence by reading ten minutes at a time, and finally half an hour. You will soon acquire a richness and depth of tone to be proud of, besides greatly improving your health by increasing the capacity of the lungs.

TO PASTE INSIDE YOUR HAT.

--And these few precepts in thy memory Hold fast: "Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar To the friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but, being in, bear It, that the opposer may beware of thee.